The 7 Worst Things to Say to Children During Divorce

 Are you considering divorce or separation? Are you already divorced? Are you presently dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, and feelings of animosity towards your spouse? Are you in the space where you realize divorce is not the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back? 

So that do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them minimize the negative effects of divorce? As a way to help your children make the transition in a positive manner avoid the seven worst things you can say to your children during divorce, listed below.  

1. “If you behaved yourself more, your mother (farther) wouldn’t get so mad at me.”

Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible your divorce, wounds the spirit and slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate. 

Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Although divorce affects the children, you are not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you are married. 

2. “Your mother is a tramp.” or “Your father is an adulterer.”

Name calling in front of your children is inexcusable. Regardless of what your partner has done and how you feel about them. Remember this person is still your child’s parent. If they ha ve had an affair or done other mean things to you, it is not your place to tell the children about their behavior. Saying hurtful things to the children about their parent does not hit the intended target, your “ex.” It hits and hurts the ones you still love, your children.  

3. “What does your mother say about me?” or “Is your father seeing someone else?” 

Do not place your children in the role of informant whose job it is to keep you updated on the events and happenings around mom’s house. They are not conduits of information to be pumped for information. Keep them out of the middle and off the witness stand. 

The main focus of your communication with your “ex” should be that of your children, their development and continued care. Those questions that do not pertain to the kids may not be any of your business. Ask yourself if the answers to your questions benefit your children or yourself. Be honest with yourself at this point. If it only benefits you, let it go. Your children are what is most important. 

4. “I want to get back together, but your father doesn’t.”

This statement may be true, but telling it to your children is nothing more than a play for sympathy. It is a subtle attempt to fix blame and make the other parent look bad. You are trying to place yourself in a positive light, as the only one who wants to keep the family together.  

If this statement is really true, explore your role in how the relationship with your partner has gotten to the point where it is now. Tell your partner that you want to get back together and work on correcting the mistakes you made in the relationship. Your children have no place in that process. 

5. “No, I won’t give you any money. I send you mother child support. If you need any money ask her.”

Your children do not need to know how much child support you pay and when you pay it. A child’s request for money is not a request to be told about the family budget or about how much you pay for child support. Neither is it a request to hear about your financial troubles. If the money is not available, and there are times in non-divorce situation that this is also true, tell them that the money is not available right now without mentioning how much you pay for child support. 

The purpose of child support is to make available a percentage of the finances needed for everyday living. Your children need far more than what child support provides. Your children need extra love, extra attention, and yes, extra money on occasion. 

6.  “I’m sorry I didn’t get you last week. I was really busy.” 

If you are scheduled to have parenting time with your children and then you don’t show or call at the last minute with a change of plans, your kids feel abandoned.

When you have scheduled parenting time, keep it. When you say you’re going to do something together next time, do it. Your children remember and they are building an image of you based on your actions. What image of you do you want them to hold? 

7.  “I don’t care what your father said. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

No two homes are run alike. With the establishment of two separate homes comes the establishment of two sets of rules. The goal is to create as much consistency as possible between your house and your ex-wife’s house. Arriving at mutual agreements on issues of bed time, homework structure, video game and television viewing, and basic rules of respect for others’ boundaries is important. 

Divorce does not have to be the devastating end to your family. It marks the beginning of a new family for you and your children. Focus on creating a new life together. Hold on to some of the traditions of the past and look for opportunities to create new traditions, new routines, and a new found joy to being together. Show your children how to divorce gracefully by eliminating the seven worst things you can say to them during divorce. 
 

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 Authors of several parenting books, Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman write an extraordinary and uplifting blog for parents at www.uncommon-parenting.com