Accept and Forgive Your Dog (and Turn a Negative Mindset into a Positive Mindset)

When you walk down the street with your dog, is it a “problem” when they bark ferociously at another dog, or when they sniff out a half-eaten sandwich under a bench, or when they dart off the sidewalk after a squirrel? Do you leave those situations with anxiety, like something is wrong with your dog for having done such a thing, or, even worse, that something is wrong with you for letting it happen? Or, if another dog owner lets their dog lunge after your dog, do you spend time thinking about how bad that other owner is? All of these responses are natural given our general training in high expectations and judging people (including ourselves).

A much more productive way of looking at these situations involves acknowledging a few key things:

1. Our dogs are never wrong. Typically, rather than “thinking” about a situation, a dog responds, in the moment, to how a given situation makes them feel. Dogs are constantly looking for the highest value prey in their environment, and so, if that isn’t you, then it could very well be the discarded panini they just found.
2. People are never wrong. Without exception, people are generally doing the best they can in a given situation. We respond in the moment as well, and how we respond is the product of our experience. As with our dogs, it’s what happens after the response that counts, and that ultimately affects us. Your dog just started barking ferociously at a passing black lab puppy and you get that sinking feeling in your gut, which worsens as the puppy’s owner glares at you. At that moment, your patterned response to that sinking feeling kicks in, which is…what? Anger? Guilt? Blame?
3. We have better things to do than think about who’s “wrong.” This could be called the “appreciative inquiry” approach to life. If you have to label things as “wrong” and “right,” then why not call them “right?” If our dogs are never wrong, and people are never wrong, then by extension they’re always right. More importantly, this approach gets us to the heart of the matter: it’s time to forget about “wrong” and “right,” accept what is, and do something about it.

A dog whose behavior creates new and sundry ways for you to practice acceptance and forgiveness can be considered an “opportunity dog.” So, let’s look at the black lab puppy example in a different light. Your dog just went off on that poor little puppy. In this situation, your dog is probably saying “hey, that was too much energy for me to handle, and it knocked me off balance. I had to do something.” That’s not your dog’s fault, it’s not the puppy’s fault and it’s not your fault. It’s just what IS. Breathe. Accept it.

The puppy’s owner, who can’t believe you let your dog go all crazy on their pure, innocent sweetums, might be more understanding if they knew what was really going on, but they don’t. And you feel, well, bad. That’s ok too, of course. Breathe. Accept it. Accept responsibility, too (as in, “sorry about that”).

Next, forgive your dog, and yourself. Seriously, this is an important step. That other person might storm off in a fit of rage. They might write a letter to the editor of the local paper about you. They might…well, whatever they do, it doesn’t matter. Just forgive yourself, and forgive that other person for whatever nasty thoughts they might be thinking about you and your dog. Then forget it.

Finally, you can start taking positive steps. Recognize that you might have missed some warning signs in your dog that they were about to go a little bonkers. There was probably some initial alertness, some tension in their body that wasn’t dissipating, some signs that perhaps you missed because you were busy looking out for cars. Or maybe you did sense that tension, but now you see that you weren’t acting on it.

But the next time you’re about to cross paths with another dog, you’ll be much more able to focus on what’s happening. You’ll be observing, accepting, experimenting, observing again, etc. This time around you’ll be trying something new to help relax your dog and yourself. You’ll remember to breathe. You won’t waste energy trying to figure out who’s wrong and who’s to blame and what the other dog’s owner is going to do about it. You’ll just accept the situation and take steps to fix it. As long as you remain open and relaxed, you’ll eventually get it…right.

In the future we’ll write more about the importance of relaxation for both you and your dog. In the meantime, your primary job is to figure out what your dog is saying to you and how to give your dog a healthy outlet for their stress. Then they’ll be able to deal with all the proverbial black lab puppies that come their way.

Neil Sattin is the author of www.naturaldogblog.com a website devoted transforming your relationship with your dog (and yourself) with a centered, nonviolent, and radically different way of training.  He released "Natural Dog Training: The Fundamentals", an instructional 2-DVD set that teaches his methods.  Neil lives with his wife, two children, three cats, and, of course, his dog Nola outside of Portland, Maine.