There is an affliction quietly and insidiously affecting us that crosses all lines of age, gender and race. It began when we were young and learned that in order to fit in with our families we had to ignore our own needs, stay silent, follow along, and give away our power. As adults this syndrome continues to rob us of our ability to ask directly for what we need and want and drives us to violate ourselves and our own integrity. When we’re in its grips, we contort ourselves to fit in, to belong, and to ensure our status as a "good person". In a moment of desperation and powerlessness, we forsake ourselves in order to avoid confrontation and the mere possibility of rejection.
This is the dis-ease of trying to be liked, being nice, seeking acceptance, and trying to please others as a strategy – as a way to feel safe in the world and worthy in our own skin. What is even more important to recognize is that seeking the approval of others is a way to avoid how deeply we disapprove of ourselves. The feared rejection of another is actually an outward reflection of how we have already rejected certain aspects of ourselves.
In all of the books I write and the trainings I lead, I encourage people to acknowledge the cost of their limiting beliefs and behaviors. When it comes to people-pleasing, the cost is so pervasive and damaging that I want to draw special attention to it this week. The moment we try to please another and abandon our own truth for theirs, we essentially hand our power to them, violate our own integrity, cut ourselves off from our inner wisdom, and – at least for a while – disconnect from our ability to love and nurture ourselves. [I know this so well, because I've done it a million times!] We may do this with our children, spouses, employers, friends and society at large. When being a "good girl" or a "good boy" becomes a way of life, we can be sure that exhaustion will accumulate, resentments will build, desperation and neediness will increase, and we’ll travel deeper into the land of victim consciousness.
This week, look to see how you might engage in people-pleasing and contemplate what the cost is in your own life, especially in the area of your self-respect…all the while keeping in mind that transformation begins when you tell yourself the truth.
As you practice being completely straight with yourself, you will notice miracles unfolding in your communications with those around you.
Sooooo glad I read this! Your blog is so elegantly and poignantly written. Thank you for writing that you've done it a million times. I read it just as I was thinking the same thing myself. It's a shame how many times I have bent over backwards to maintain an illusion of peace, not to mention for how long. It is encouraging to know a genius wizard like you has made the same mistake repeatedly too. I have recently been facing some hard truths and taking challenging action on my behalf. That process which you brought to life here brought up a wave of grief for what I have sacrificed and Gratitude for all there still is for me and ALL as I reclaim myself a little more every day… Many thanks!!!
"What is even more important to recognize is that seeking the approval of others is a way to avoid how deeply we disapprove of ourselves.". Does that necessarily mean that if I am confident and convinced of my abilities I don't need approval from anybody else. I think you are right, I think in that case I would be please to get the appreciation but not approval. Thanks for your insightful article. Awesome.
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When good parents go bad, they can create negative life coping skills within their children. My mother is impossible to communicate with, and I am often forced to conform myself out of repect to her. This often goes against my inner self-respect and my growth as an adult. It's a never ending cycle of avoiding manipulative attitudes, which is unhealthy. I am working at claiming my own inner power more and more these days, sometimes I slip back into the intolerable traits I am trying to break free of, but I find that the more I do the things I love, the more I come back to my authentic self that I like to be. Thanks for sparking these insights in me with your blog post.