Do you think it’s possible to not trust someone and not even be consciously aware? A month ago I’d have been certain it wasn’t possible. Today, my mind is shifting and wondrous feelings are coming at me so fast I don’t know if I recognize them all. It’s energizing and humbling at the same time. I thought I was broken. As in, certain biological functions were lost to me, that I had missed the boat per se.
Back in the day, I was so needy and insecure that faking it was second nature because I didn’t want to give anyone reason to leave me. Pathetic I know. But true none the less. When my firstborn’s father threw the switch and I had my first real ‘event’ I became his slave for life. My body and mind screamed “MORE” and I guess more was too much. My last real ‘fireworks show’ was in 1986. No that is NOT a typo. 24 years ago, wow – I better move on (I’m starting to get depressed). I realize now that needy and insecure coupled with desperate and green were a devastating repellant for what I then thought I needed most. Love. Inexorably confused in my immature heart and brain, so cliche in retrospect; love equalled sex. It doesn’t, but back then it did.
After fireworks guy left me and my son was born, I was disappointed to learn that just because someone flipped my switch, it wasn’t automatically “on” with everyone. I know, I know – many of you are reading this thinking “Is she for real?”, “How naive can one person be?”. The answers are yes and very, respectively. In another post I’ll have to explain a little more of my background but for now you’ll just have to take my word for it. Anyway, not only wasn’t it “on” – I started wondering if it disappeared entirely! Women weren’t supposed to peak until their 30’s, so at 19 I was wondering if I could be a freak of nature? Ho hum, ho hum – it was back to faking it for me.
No one has since come close to manifesting the big O for me. I might start to get there, but evidently it was a very elusive, ummm, creative, um circumstance… You get the idea. Regretfully, I had no support system, no one I could ask and feeling broken at such a young age is very isolating. A couple years later my almost-ex husband found me and I continued to fake it for the majority of our 20 years together. I say majority not because he was able to take me to the top but because toward the end I just didn’t care enough to fake it anymore.
Or maybe I started caring about me more. Finally… Hmmmm, that will require further analysys. But, again, I digress. We separated 18 months ago and in the past two weeks, simply by intercepting a call for my son, I’ve experienced such sexually charged emotion through phone conversation that it has been amazing. My first instinct when it started was to run from it. Instead I took a deep breath and allowed it to wash through me. Not fighting it, not encouraging it, simply experiencing it with intent was amazing.
The rationalizing started the next day. Again, facing each moment with intent – no expectations, no judgement, no need for permission – was and is empowering. In my more somber moments recently, it ran through my mind that I trust my caller more than I would have thought possible. The anonymity may play into that (another thing to think about…) but I trust him. I feel comfortable enough to just be me. I knew that in the last several years I no longer trusted my husband. In experiencing new trust however, I look back and realize that I stopped trusting my husband very close to the beginning of our relationship and I didn’t even recognize it for what it was.
I can say with absolute certainty that I will be all of me, no faking allowed, from here on out. I will wake up each day with the intent of being the best and most of me that I know how to be. I intend to face each day with integrity and banish the sense of failure and shame I’ve wrapped around me like a shield. I intend to build a life full of the promise of intent and the wonderment of following through. I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. Intent.com – who knew?
I can be silly again too. Me – silly. Not the comedic relief I’ve developed over the years but actually silly! Anyway, I had to look it up on Wikipedia to be sure but since he’s 12 years younger than me, if I allow the next phase to evolve, I’ll be a ‘cougar”. RaWR… or maybe PuRR… We’ll have to see which suits me – maybe both or neither.
Well, after a short break on Intent.com, I’m refreshed and ready to finish my workday with focus and mindfulness.
I’m so glad you could join me. This is KrisSalys – still emerging, still becoming…