Question:
How does one deal with betrayal?
And on top of that, a system of "justice" that invariably rules in favor of property rather than people?
I have been seriously betrayed by a man I lived with for many years. We signed an agreement 15 years ago that we would share ownership of a large apartment in Paris. which he purchased and I furnished. I’ve been living there, and maintaining the place for the past ten years; he has basically stayed in his home on the Côte d’Azur, coming to Paris from time to time.
Now, he has succeeded through a lengthy court action to seize ownership and evict me. He has trashed our contract (drawn up by a lawyer), and so has the court. He does not want to live in the apartment — he is going to sell it and quadruple his original investment. I get nothing.
Clearly, I am not asking for sympathy — I am getting that from my children and my friends. But I am asking how one deals with overwhelming betrayal, and a legal system that defends the betrayer. It is a crushing example of evil, on both a personal and cultural level.
I am sure you would not give the Christian answer of turning the other cheek, nor the Eastern answer of karma. In fact, I don’t recall that you ever addressed the question of malevolence in the world and in people….please do!
Answer:
The pain of betrayal is a very deep and difficult trauma to heal. What makes it so hard to heal is due in large part to the powerful story that we are right, and have been sorely wronged, and therefore the only way to fix things is for the bad person to see the error of their ways and redress the wrongs. Whether we consciously think in these terms or not, the person who feels deeply betrayed harbors and nurtures this story inside and then waits for justice. The trouble is justice almost never unfolds according to this story line. Furthermore, when you take on the label of the “betrayed”, you automatically place yourself in a powerless position and perspective. You trusted someone to act a certain way, and when they don’t your reaction is to feel wounded. If you can step outside that betrayal story, you can simply look at the change of actions from your expectations as a signal that it is time to make your own life adjustments and move toward what you now want to grow toward.
You will still need to heal the feelings of hurt and loss, but if you can avoid letting your energy get stuck in the unproductive activities of blame, self-pity, revenge, and anger, then you can use that energy to creatively take advantage to the new opportunities that this change in life situations is offering you. Often when we look back on the wrenching episodes of our life, we see how they actually led to new vistas and experiences that we would have likely missed if the major upset didn’t occur. If we abandon the mental framework of betrayal and expand our horizons to look for that new direction, then we can speed up the healing process and get on with the business of living our life fully.
Love,
Deepak
This could be posted on the "world bulletin board!" Thank you Deepak and the questioner as well — just in the few minutes of reading this I have found some profound healing and much courage to go on with my commitment to this life lesson…
It takes so much from a person to heal from this kind of situation. Easier said than done. Harder for the unenlightened. There is a time for joy, sorrow, anger, hurt, pain, remorse, and everything else Life throws at our plate. Whatever it is you find yourself in… you simple stay in that moment, live it as meant to be lived. You can only be true to yourself. Life happens to you and your response to it is your journey… whatever the response be. But you will soon discover at some point a loving merciful Presence takes you by the heart and moves you forward. And blessed of all blessed wipes away your tears and restores your joy. Of such was my joy. We have a magnificent God.
having had extensive and extremely painful experience with betrayal by a number of very close people, i can tell you that forgiveness and compassion are the best ways to deal with it. you have to realize that the people who betray you do so out of a lack of awareness, fear, and the weakness of being unable to resist the temptation to do harm in order to satisfy their selfish desires. this is a spiritual disease. they deserve to be treated with compassion. what Mr. Dee says about stepping out of the betrayal story is important, too. my own experience with betrayal did exactly what he says: by forgiving, forgetting and moving away and on, my life launched into a whole new and wonderful direction. the cultural thing? you can't blame the system. justice works according to who can tell the better story. unfortunately, some people are very skillful liars. don't PLAY the victim. BE the victor.