The Big Mistake about Mistakes

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

                                    ~ Mahatma Gandhi 
 

I have a very vivid memory of being in the 4^th grade, standing at the blackboard with a long division problem in front of me, feeling completely in the dark. I’d been absent for a week, in bed with the flu while the rest of the class learned how to configure this foreign concept. As I stood facing the blackboard, my back to my terrifying teacher and my class, I remember that my hand started to sweat as I turned the smooth chalk over and over in my fingers. I could feel my stomach turning and my cheeks flush, this time not from the flu but from dread—the dread of facing my teacher’s ridicule and my classmate’s judgment. I knew whatever answer I’d write was sure to be a mistake. And so I, myself, felt like one big fat mistake.   

Mistakes are nothing in and of themselves. Yet, one of the biggest reasons we limit ourselves from new experiences is because—although we’ve all made and lived through so many of them—we dread mistakes.  

What is a mistake? James Joyce called them, “portals of discovery.” No matter how big or small you perceive your mistake to be, once you realize that you have erred; this simply calls for correction, nothing else. To judge ourselves for our mistakes is to make yet another mistake, based on the first, and then reinforce it. It is this self-condemning process which must be put aside so that we can gain the most benefit from our every blunder. Then our mistakes are not mistakes at all, but become stepping-stones to liberation. 

Because much of our learning took place under judgmental conditions, many of us, as children, felt deprived of love and acceptance. Now as adults, we relive that fear over and over everyday. I’ve found that one great way to jump out of a self-defeating identification with mistakes is to encourage the children in my life when they are feeling vulnerable to the notion that they are, or can make, big irreparable mistakes. For instance, when my daughters brought home papers from school, I always made positive comments about their mistakes as well as their successes. I’d say, “Oh I see you must have learned a lot doing this paper because there are a few mistakes. I have always learned best from my mistakes. Let’s take a look at them to see what they can teach us.” If my girls ever spilt milk on the kitchen floor or otherwise made an unintentional mess I would sing a little song, “Everybody makes mistakes….la de da…” while helping them to clean it up. Their focus would automatically turn away from the blunder to my silly song, making it fun and perfect to be “less than perfect.” 

Personally, I’m an expert at making mistakes. Fortunately though, because I learned to embrace myself in the midst of an oversight (it usually starts with a deep breath and small smile), I’ve become a master at correcting them as well. I believe this is one of the main reasons I have always had an easy time taking on a new challenge. Once you’ve lived through a million and one mistakes, they are no longer threatening to you. They seem like just another part of life. Now, I actually like mistakes. To me they are a symbol of a life fully lived. I just admit them, learn from them and go on.  

It’s interesting that any tendency to judge or condemn other people stems from our own desire to be mistake-free, our own fear of mistakes. How we treat others is how we treat ourselves. So it’s true then that the best way to learn patience with yourself is to empathize with—rather than judge—others who have made mistakes. And vice versa: the easiest way to ease your judgment of others is to practice compassion with yourself. A mistake can be a blessing—an opportunity to connect with and learn more about the people around us. Let your mistakes blow you open—to awareness of new possibilities—instead of shrinking you down.  

You are the judge; you are the jury. And if you find yourself guilty (of not loving yourself or others) you’ll feel like a prisoner. Though of course, the good news is that you’re standing behind the bars with the keys to your own freedom in hand. How about it, can you learn to love mistakes?