It was done in self defense, you know. The pain was too great and I had to face it, or die.
“There is no pain,” I heard from the mouths of my teachers. “It is an attachment,” they said, “it is when you lose yourself. This is not what you are. You are God. You are Buddha”.
They said it, I repeated it, I said I believed it but … when Christopher decided to leave me all there was was pain, I was a crushed little human in pain and all the wise words were worthless.
“This is the time, this is the very moment to make them worthwhile,” I decided, and I begun to believe. I dusted off the old prayers, the wise words, the sage lessons and I decided to believe them.
I decided to live as though I believed what I said I believed. As though I believed it indeed.
“I am not this trauma,” I told myself once every minute. “This is not what I am,” I told my pain every moment. “What I am is nothing other than joy and bliss,” I stated over and over while letting my pain float away and my trauma leave. They were not what I was, I did not care where they went.
“I am God,” I would say, and the small, crumbled human woman stood up straight and squared her shoulders.
“I am God,” I would say, “I am my life.” And my life stood up straight and squared her shoulders.
The trauma fled, the pain was gone and only bliss and happiness remained. Only I remained.
I have changed, my life has changed and the world has changed.
When I chose to change it.