Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
–Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., founder of Non-Violent Communication
Having been inspired by Deepak Chopra’s invitation, I, Manny Otto, hereby join all of you in taking a vow of non-violence in my thoughts, in my speech, and in my actions.
In taking the vow, I have to reflect on what that really means. In some ways it’s kind of like saying "I vow to no longer crave meat" or "sex" or "power" when my body may be conditioned to consuming meat on a daily basis, enjoying sex frequently, and having a certain level of influence on (i.e. power over) my life conditions." How is this transition accomplished successfully if despite our best intentions we–and most of us do–continue to engage in countless "minor" expressions of violence throughout our daily lives?
The obvious answer, one we all know well, is that the key to the transition is our thoughts. But we are a communicating species, so the bridge between our thoughts and our actions lies fundamentally in the manner with which we communicate with one another.
I opened this post with Marshall Rosenberg’s powerful statement on the seed source of all violence: ANGER. I think that if one can understand that statement–every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need–the transition to non-violent living becomes one that is healthy and realistic, not just another form of repressed emotions. It becomes a matter of changing our behaviour by changing how we communicate with one another. We must switch from a "dominator" (right/wrong, good/bad) to a "needs-based" model of communication.
From The Center for Non-Violent Communication (NVC) website…
NVC involves both communication skills that foster compassionate relating and consciousness of the interdependence of our well being and using power with others to work together to meet the needs of all concerned.
This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.
With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what “is alive in us”. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, needed, and wanted, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
For those of you who really want to master this powerful and pragmatic approach to ending violence, check out The Nonviolent Communication Training Course.
Be well,
Manny
Thanks Manny. Enjoyed reading your post, as I absorb your thoughts on the process of non-volience. Cheers, Char
I loved hearing about what you learned from the non-violent communication course. It has come in handy even with my family- in helping everyone understand all they have to do is express their needs. I don't even think people would be prone to violent behavior at all if they didn't spend time storing up all of that energy by staying quiet, and thinking the same poisonous thoughts over and over again.
Interesting perspective……….I wrote a blog on wrath and I will post it on my blog – one of the key points is that the word anger comes from an old Norse word meaning "deep sorrow". It is much easier to say, "I'm mad" or "I'm angry" then it is to say "I'm hurt". Alot of our sorrow comes from our attachments, desires and fears versus our true needs. Distinguishing between need and want is a part of this process. Thanks for the catalyst!
Excellent point, Peter. I have involved myself over the years in a lot of 'men's work', primarily through the ManKind Project. Anger as a mask for sadness is one of the most important concepts I learned–not only in processing myself but in processing others. Anger is but a doorway to the deeper work of uncovering sadness …then the real healing begins! Thank you for raising this point. =m=