“A Complexity Complex”

http://familyscholars.org/2010/06/06/a-complexity-complex/
A Complexity Complex
Alana S. 06.06.2010, 1:32 AM

"My director just posted this encouraging letter(http://www.rumur.com/news/just-to-be-clear/) as an afterthought to his previous blog (http://www.rumur.com/news/i-am-somebodys-daddy/)- commented on and shared by Karen Clark in her FS blog (http://familyscholars.org/2010/06/04/challenging-donor-conception-and-cr…).

As this debate and the tangled webs of reproductive technology extend into a colorful range of people’s lives (infertile heterosexual couples, gays, lesbians, SMbC)- we are brought together by one common thread: an interest in children. Some of us are interested in children because we would like to have them ourselves- cuddle with them, watch them develop and grow, name them, thoughtfully select for them birthday presents… Others of us are interested in protecting children- even the ones we won’t have the pleasure of raising ourselves. This is a tricky position to be in because there are a lot of opinions out there about how to raise kids, and for what kind of society- and if you’re not the direct parent, than why should you have any say in the matter?

My director has been one of the most important friends and mentors of my life thus far. His guidance and precise questions have pulled my thoughts on donor conception and all of the relationships involved into a tighter, more articulate position. It has been through co-writing the script of this movie with him that I have been able to find the truths in my personal story. I am abundantly thankful for his thoughts and energy on this topic, for his care and nurturing, for every unit of wisdom he’s been generous enough to impart..

One of his points to me recently has been the recognition of the complexities of family situations. We should be accepting and tolerant of a diverse range of family types he says. And here is where the words get muddy to me. I think there is a difference between being tolerant and supportive as oppose to…. encouraging and deliberate.

Simplicity is a beautiful thing. The human mind handles a huge amount of information- often not well. I encourage everyone to listen to a wonderful episode of Radio Lab on Choice and Decision-Making (http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/11/14). Start at minute 6. Their point is: as the information we’re required to retain overloads our brain and our neurological highway system gets bogged down with too many words, too many statistics, too much data… we end up making bad choices.

Idyllic family models (like a biological, two parent unit) exist as a technology to help us make better families without the burden of having to think too hard about it. It is simple. It is beautiful. It serves as a relief to parents and a gift to children- free of the headache of evaluating too many market options in baby procurement. It allows for space to think about the more important things in life, like moral and spiritual endowment, your child’s health, where you will live, where you will go for summer vacation, which dress you will wear to the party, fruit-salad or cake?

So as much as I get that there is family complexity out there, and yes, I am absolutely willing and respectful and BELIEVE ME understanding of the difficulties of alternative families, I don’t see how it serves society to encourage complex familial entanglements and evaluate them to be as simple and effective as the biological, two-parent unit. I don’t think it serves us well to present them as equal in their ability to create healthy, wealthy, wise children.

Superlatives in family structure serve society. Let’s not get too muddy and subjective about this."