Last January, I decided to get back into shape. One thing I had always enjoyed was running, so I put on my old sneakers and went for a run. I made it two thirds of a mile before I had to stop. I could feel my heart pounding and it took me some time to catch my breath. At that moment I had a choice: I could call myself a “lazy bum” and judge myself accordingly or I could realize that this was just my starting point. Perhaps being a bit stubborn, I said to myself, “This is where I am going to start. By the end of May I will be able to run five miles.”
And so started my running routine, and I was able to meet my goal even before the end of May. I was quite proud of myself. But like any person who gets wrapped up in work and family, I let go of my routine for a few months. When I did finally get back to the track, I was expecting to be able to run five miles again, because that was the mark of my achievement. I ran two. I felt the disappointment seep in, “How am I not be able to run five miles?”
I blamed circumstances and people for this, then got mad at myself for not keeping up with that ability. The judgment in the form of the expression “you lazy bum” filled my mind. I started to create a new plan for reaching my five-mile mark and staying there, deciding which other responsibilities could be set aside. At that moment I understood the danger of self-judgment.
I had unknowingly, or perhaps knowingly, placed my persona on a pedestal. I needed to run five miles in order to consider myself acceptable, to be perfect. This was just the latest of my needs, having created several expectations over the years of who I was supposed to be based on how I behave or look. Any expectation I didn’t meet, I judged myself, sometimes causing me to forget my own happiness in order to be someone I thought I needed to be or to do something I felt I was supposed to do. All these needs and my “supposed to” made me forget to enjoy life.
By believing that in order to be perfect I needed to be able to run five miles, I didn’t consider myself perfect during the time I worked towards that goal. At two miles, I felt weak. Even running four miles meant that I’m lazy. When I did hit five miles, I have to work really hard to stay there, because it is so easy to fall off and lose my feeling of perfection. And how could I ever accept not being perfect when I once was? Of course, most people find that once they achieve the goal of running five miles, they need to run a marathon to truly be perfect. I knew I had to stop judging myself before I hit 26 miles.
Why did I judge myself? Because I needed to feel acceptance. Not just my own acceptance, but the acceptance of everyone around me. I needed to be perfect. How could I accept myself if I am not perfect? I used perfection through the eyes of judgment instead of realizing that I am already perfect and don’t “need” to do anything to become perfect. My judgment made me feel inadequate.
How can we stop self-judgment? By accepting ourselves just the way we are at this very moment. You see, the trick about self-judgment is that it doesn’t allow us to see and enjoy who we really are at this very moment. We have been educated to believe that the only way for us to have “self-acceptance”, is by reaching accomplishments or obtain our goals. When we reach them our self-esteem rises, when we don’t, we think less of ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with having goals or expectations; they are the motivators for us to create the existence we desire. The problem lies in the fact that we use them to either love ourselves or reject ourselves. Thus our happiness relies on our success. Since our success mainly exists in the future, we are never able to enjoy who we are at this very moment. We spend so much time looking ahead and waiting for happiness to come to us, we forget to look around and enjoy who we are and what we have. And if we do manage to achieve our success, we live with the constant fear of losing it.
Who I am right now is perfect! Why? Because I exist at this very moment. Even if I am able to run two miles or two thirds of a mile, I enjoy who I am simply because I exist. If I want to run for five miles, I am doing it because I want to, not because I have to. Whether I succeed or not, I am still happy being me and enjoying the stage that I am in during my process of obtaining that goal.
We are all magnificent, flawed and perfect as we are. Heavenly!
Thanks for your honesty and openness, don Miguel. You are a beautiful being. Namasté : )<= Aimée
I find myself slipping into the same traps at times. Thank you for writing this piece as we all could use a reminder every once in a while that we are loved and worth loving.
Your insight is a blessing, thank you for sharing!!!!
Your insight is a blessing, thank you for sharing!!!!
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