It came, this stick (the drawing above), it came from this quote:
“I try to deny myself any illusions or delusions, and I think that this perhaps entitles me to try and deny the same to others, at least as long as they refuse to keep their fantasies to themselves.”
I responded to this quote, and it was then that this stick begun to take shape. I said:
“Denying illusions doesn’t work half as well as embracing reality”.
You see, I read this quote and it felt tense, it felt confrontational, a bit combative even and I thought there must be a positive orientation, there must be a way to spin this such that there is openness and gentleness and inclusiveness. And so I said what I said.
The conversation continued. It was said that “It (the illusion) has to be understood and for the illusion to be understood, it has to first go through a process of exposure and denial, to finally realize that it is just a mirror of its own self.” and I thought: well, does it really?
Does exposing illusions for what they are, does cleaning away the noise, understanding and healing the pain, does it eventually leave me with a clear, quiet space where my self resides?
And that is the key question: does my self reside there?
Because, you see, I do imagine that clearing away illusions and noise and pain will bring me to a clear, peaceful space but … but I am not so sure that what I find in this space will be me. I am not so sure that I can find myself in this way.
Because, you see, I feel that the only way to find myself is to choose to be myself. Choose to see myself. Choose to feel myself.
Choosing not to be something in order to find what I am will not work, because I am only where I am, not where I am not.