This year like any year has brought family issues to the forefront of my life. Dysfunctional family issues and drug and alcohol abuse I have tried to remove myself from. I made the conscious decision to change ME almost 2 years ago. I am succeeding at it but it is an uphil battle! I dug my hole for many years with escapism and drugs. The greatest decision I have ever made was to stop digging!
I am finding it very difficult to be around my family at Christmas except my daughter. We will have Christmas together but I am struggling with seeing my siblings. Not one of them has ever said a kind word to me when I decided to change my life. I hurt myself mostly in my drug abuse and never them. I have no amends to make to them and they have none to me. It is just the respect level that was never there. Some siblings are still actively using substances. I will not put myself in an emotionally chaotic situation anymore. IS THIS STILL ESCAPISM?
I have decided to donate my time on Christmas to people who are less fortunate than others. I will help at the local church and food bank. That is the only way I think I can show ‘gratitude’ towards my recovery. I am blessed to have been saved from my addiction and I am truly grateful for that. I have spent enough years thinking of myself! Please give me some feedback and let me know kindly if you think I am still acting out of fear. I am doing this I think out of wanting to give back to life but the thought did not occur until I was faced with having to spend Christmas with my siblings. I want to break the cycle of my family dysfunction but I know I can only change myself. I cannot change them. I have no desire to either. I only want to stay happy and love myself. I think giving myself and time for charity is a healthy way of dealing with my dillema. PLease let me know how you feel?
Peace
Stu Restrup
No, it isn
It is not escapism to want to put yourself in a more harmonious environment. It is your right as a sentient being to be drawn to what feeds your body, mind and spirit.
Stay focused on your intent "to stay happy and love myself", without letting the past interfere. How? Sit in quiet stillness for at least 10min a day, repeat your intent, and feel your body's reaction. Exhale any tension like blowing out a candle – blowing out the fuel that feeds past memories.
You're doing the right thing for yourself and showing a great example to your daughter.
Cheers!
Hi Stu,
I don't think you are escaping at all!! Just because we chose to incarnate into a family does not mean once we are adults and have learned the lessons necessary, that we are stuck with them if we don't want to be. Who wants to be around negative people whether the same blood is shared or not? I don't. We create our lives in each moment. This time of year is to be celebrated with people we love, and that love us back. Not people that judge us on who we used to be and never allowing us to grow beyond who they think we are. Each day, I am more than I was. I am not perfect, but I am more. I love people as they are in this moment and who they are right now, and surround myself with people who do the same. I had to let my family go. I have 8 bros and sis that I do not interact with. This gave me freedom to soar. Stu, this is your life and you deserve to live it harmoniously and to create whatever you need to in order to achieve peace, joy, and love.
It is awesome you are going to help others during the holidays!! I've done this too, and when I did, they reminded me that there are 364 other days of the year where they need help as well. A lot of people forget that as did I
Namaste and happy holidays!!!
Krissy
Hi Stu et al, Merry Christmas! I read your post with some interest because I know the challenge you face! I was fortunate to begin my new life with an immediate family that was already `well`. When I was sick I kept my distance – and that`s what I had to make amends for. Missing family functions, not being in touch, avoiding any responsibility to be `present` when they had problems in their life, these were the things that I try to make right as I go along. That`s not your story though, in your case it sounds like the more spiritually sound and safer choice is to do your thing with people who would appreciate it.
Here`s a thought to ponder… A wiser man than me once said: “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation
Stu,
Kudos for you in taking the big step of "getting your life back on track." I am moved by your story and inspired by the choices you are now making to "give back" and take the focus off of YOU. Please read my recent blog entitled "Family Matters: When Holidays are Tough." I think you may resonate with my suggestion for "re-inventing" family in a way that heals our wounds and creates a new-found sense of community in our lives.
My one specific suggestion for you would be this: Offering to work at a church or food bank is a GREAT way to step outside of your own pain, to shift out of fear–and be inspired by the power of reciprocity. BUT…take it one step further: when you go to do your volunteer work, seek out one or two souls with whom you resonate and strike up a conversation, get to know them…reach out.
You can "hide out" even in a soup kitchen…but you can also break through your own fear by connecting to just one human soul…sharing your story and being a good listener. Real community starts with two people–not a crowd. And who knows…you may just find a true friend–which is what a "sibling" in life is really all about.
My best to you on your amazing journey toward wholeness…you're on your way!
Best,
Jeff Hull
Dear Stu – Your title threw me a little! I read a beautiful post about a very healthy and functional Christmas. I didn't discern any judgment or condemnation of family members who do not share your quest for wholeness and peace. I read the words of a young man who is successfully becoming the person he was always intended to be, a man who is finding his center by reaching out and caring for others in his discovery that truly we are one. I hope you and Madison have a wonderful Christmas together. Love, Greg
Well,
Thanks to all for commenting on my blog and sharing some love and compassion. I truly am grateful for your kind words. I decided to have other addicts over to my home on Christmas Day and cook them a meal. It was very gratifying to give back directly to the fellowship that has given me more than I could ever return.
Jeffrey you made me realize that. I thank-you. As always Greg you are an inspiration Of how to give instead of take.
Again thanks to all who commented nad reminded me of what matters most. Jason , Bill W.'s words and the Big Book are always a guiding light. It is my attitude that I can change and NOT the world. What a relief to only have to change ME and NOT the world Phew!
Peace to all and Happy New Year!