Question:
I am in a dilemma. How far a person can go for one’s family? What if family members are lying to us. is it still necessary to help them financially if they are in need of money? I have supported my family ever since I have been employed. My parents are not alive anymore. My siblings are dependent on me financially but I discovered they are wasting my hard earned money and enjoying their lives. When they make financial decisions with the money I give them, without asking me beforehand, is it still my duty to support them since they are not earning any money themselves. They do not even make any effort. They tell me they will beg in streets if I do not send money. I am just fed up of their behavior but in a dharam sankat I feel that they will not have anything to eat if I do not send money.
Answer:
You do not say how old you are or how old your siblings are. Are they adults, are they healthy enough to work? Have you been supporting them for years or just a few weeks? Are you making enough money that you can afford to help them comfortably without any hardship to you, but you are upset only with the idea that they are manipulating you through guilt?
Different answers to these questions would bring different answers. But let’s assume for the moment that your siblings are healthy adults who could work if they had to but don’t because you are willing to give them money. Unless you are willing to support them the rest of your life you are eventually going to have to call their bluff about begging in the streets. Why wait? Encourage them to try their luck on the streets and see how they fare. If they find that doesn’t work out so well, offer to help them out financially for a few weeks while they are actively looking for work. Make it crystal clear that your support is limited to a specific number of days and make your payments conditional upon daily reports and updates on what they are doing to find work.
This will only work if you really mean it and stick to your decision. They are counting on you being so ashamed of the idea of them begging on the streets that you will never really stop giving them money. So it’s up to you to make it clear to them that even though you will feel embarrassed and guilty if they go begging, they need to recognize that what they are doing to you is not right and cannot continue. It is not dharmic and it is not a loving and respectful way to treat family. It might actually help if they spend a few days begging in the street, because when they agree to your help to look for work, they will have a real incentive to get a job quickly before the time runs out.
And finally, keep in mind that once they start earning their own money, they will start to grow in self-respect and hopefully will understand that the position they were putting you in was unfair to you. By helping them get on their feet, to be productive and in control of their own lives, you will actually be doing them a favor, and that is what your parents would have wanted for all of you.
Love,
Deepak
Family Ties flipped the typical sitcom dynamic on is head. Instead of conservative parents butting heads with rebellious kids, the heart of the series is the generation gap between former hippie parents and their square offspring. גננות