Okay, I am back with a little insight, a little humor, and a little more about me. I am hoping by putting myself out there, and becoming vulnerable, I will be able to heal and this is the intention of this blog.
For starters, the blog on Deepak was more about me than Deepak. The things I blogged about do bug me, but again, it is more about me than him and what is or isn’t missing within my own field. Here is what started my upsetedness (Webster’s hasn’t caught up to my word inventions yet…lol).
I love to read. So much so, that I almost feel guilty doing it. Any chance I get, I snuggle up with a book, and usually with the subject matter of spiritual enlightenment, awareness, etc. Something where I can learn and be more than I was prior to reading it. I go to the bookstore or library, and usually something calls to me immediately, and this is the book I read. About a month ago, "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali screamed at me to read, and so I did (I blogged about it). This book was so eye opening for me in a disturbing way, and it triggered some things that have obviously come up to heal within me. Female oppression at the hands of men is rampant in nearly every religion from Islam to Catholicism and beyond, and it annoys me and set me off, and it made me realize I am still needing to deal with my own issues with men. After reading Ali’s book, another called to me about the FLDS (Polygamists) where women are brought up to be submissive to men or they can’t get to Heaven. They are brought up and brainwashed from birth to believe they need to "obey" and defer to their husbands with no rights of their own, and they marry the little girls off at age 14. AND THIS IS IN AMERICA!! Not that it should be tolerated anywhere, but you’d think we would have more of a grasp of the atrocities in our own country. Female oppression and abuse is wrong no matter where it is. PERIOD. I cannot believe we allow this abuse and cult on our soil is all. Ever since I read these 2 books, I have been on a bit of a tirade inside and outside myself. Here is why…
When I was 7, I was raped by 2 neighbor boys. When it happened, I went out of body. I was so small and sheltered, I didn’t even fully understand what had happened. I had never seen a penis before, nor did I even know the word penis until I was older. Anyway, there were actually more sexual occurrences over the years, one involving a doctor (when I was 8 and get a physical to go to camp) as well. To be honest, and this is going to sound so stupid, I didn’t think I was affected by this. I suppressed it as I didn’t have the ability to deal with it. I told no one as nobody in my family knew I existed so I didn’t have a trusting relationship with anyone, and not to mention, I didn’t even know what happened to me or how to explain it anyway. No one had conversations with like I have with my kids as to what is inappropriate touching, etc. A few years later when I was a month shy of age 12 a man exposed himself to me in a car, and I did tell my mom about that because I was more aware and understood things better and that scared the hell out of me as I’d never seen anything like that in the manor that he was behaving (masturbating) while watching me and asking me questions (I didn’t notice at first as I was taught to look people in the eyes when speaking with them). He had pulled me over on my bike (pink banana with flowers) to ask me directions. The police got involved in this incident because I was so freaked out upon arriving home my mom immediately dialed 911. After a while, I believed that all men were bad, perverted, etc, as that had been my experience so guess what? Up until I understood law of attraction 2 years ago, I law of attracted all the freaks, users, pervs and just bad men because I believed I would as that is what I thought men were, and I was honestly scared of men. It was my only exposure to them and my Dad was not around often (didn’t want to interrupt his golf game, or his trips to the bowling alley) so I had no role model when it came to men except for the exposure (pun NOT intended) on the outside of my family. Why do I tell you this? Well, those books triggered the fact that I am not yet healed from this. I did some healing work with a medical intuitive December of ’07, and it helped tremendously, but as soon as the money ran out (I was paying cash), the service ran out. What I am now learning is that the work we did started me on my healing path, but in no way am I healed yet. Just being able to say the word "rape" was huge.
Now I believe I pulled this negative sexual enery through from a past life, and brought it forward to this lifetime to heal it. Doesn’t make it any easier knowing that I planned it for my own growth however. I wrote the script and everyone in my life just played their parts, so I am not upset with anyone involved in "My Story". I wouldn’t be me without it, and I enjoy being Krissy. It also made me the parent I am, and I’d go through it all over again for that reason alone. I’m still left attempting to heal many issues, and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I even acknowledged I had issues or even was aware is more like it.
Up until 2 years ago, I thought I was fine with no clue how adversely I was affected by my childhood and past, and then I met a shamanic healer who saw right through the " I’m fine facade" even though I didn’t. I honestly thought I was a healthy, whole person as my way of being was my ‘normal’. He knew nothing of "my story" and he could see I disliked men with a passion, even though I thought I loved men…lol. Oh what an idiot I was. I was sleeping in every way, spiritually and otherwise. This shaman is the reason I stopped stagnating on my spiritual journey, and started moving again. I’ve had more growth in the last 2 years, than ever. That one rape incident affected everything from wearing dresses (I was raped in a dress and I always refused to wear dresses but never knew why), to my hair color (I am naturally a blond but have always hated me as a blond–I was raped as a blond), to my name (I was called "Kris" and then right around age 8 I refused to let people call me it–when the boys got me off my front porch to assault me they called me by my name at the time which was "Kris") and many other things I’d never correlated to that episode. And again, I thought I’d not been affected…WHATEVER!!
I rescued animals for years and years. When I was little every broken-winged bird, baby bunny, frog, etc etc that was injured would be in a shoe box being fed, loved, snuggled, and nursed by me. As I got older, I brought into my own home and rescued every dog, cat, bird, etc, etc from every situation. Some were bloody, fresh from car accidents, some were emotionally shattered from abuse, others were neglected or abandoned. Whatever the reason, I was there tending to them, bringing them back to health and giving them the love they deserved. What I didn’t realize was that every animal I rescued, I was trying to rescue myself. Every sad unloved little face represented how I felt. Each time I was saving a helpless being, I was actually trying to save myself. What I came to understand in the reason I did this was that nobody ever helped me when I was helpless and sad and needy (my family ignored me growing up and I was left to fend for myself most of the time), and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen to any other creature as I knew how much it hurt. It hurt me to see anything or anybody hurting. I knew the pain all too well and if I could save someone from it, I tried. Of course I didn’t understand this at the time, but I now see it as I have grown and evolved. I am now more aware of my own behavior, and the why’s of the things I did.
In my blog about Deepak (which we know is about me really), I wouldn’t say I was angry. Anger isn’t part of my life. Annoyed yes, anger no. I rarely yell, especially not at my boys (oh they will tell you about 2 times they have heard me yell…lol, and it wasn’t even at them but they remember it..lol), sheesh I don’t even take tone with them. Maybe that is what is wrong with me…I need to start screaming…lol, and release myself a bit. I’ll ask Lukas and Joshua and see what they think..lol. I would say I am annoyed. I am hoping that this is just a part of my growth and part of growing pains and on the other side is some major awareness. The issues of judgment, money and my guilt surrounding it, worthiness, MEN MEN, and did I say MEN?…lol, and everything in between came out in my Deepak blog. Again, even though being annoyed at the things about Deepak that I am and it is real to me, I do know that my issues are with myself and really not Deepak. I was only honoring myself and who I am in this very moment so that I can move forward on this journey and get on with the business of expanding the consciousness on this planet. How can I assist in anyone else’s consciousness expansion when mine is sucking?
So anyway, after all that serious stuff I thought I’d share some other stuff that annoys me so I can move on…lol. It’s all about me you know…lol, well it is MY blog. KRISSY’S BLOG. And you don’t have to read it. SO THERE 
Okay here is my annoyed list…
Again, this is not the most evolved list you will ever read, but it just IS…lol. Hopefully you will find some entertainment value. I am annoyed when people add you as their friends on here without the intention of ever interacting with you personally. What is the point?! I am annoyed at "cocktail party" friendships where everyone talks about nothing. If I wanted to talk about the weather or listen to someone talking about the weather, I’d go to the weather channel. I mean seriously, why speak?! I am annoyed at ulterior motives. People who got on this website to sell something or self promote. What that tells me is their "intention" is to grow all right, THEIR BANK ACCOUNTS…lol (I know I know I need to ALLOW, I’m working on it OKAY?). I am annoyed that I am annoyed at all. I wish I could just float on this beautiful cloud where nothing affects me (I may find the ability to find this in the book Phillip recommended). Up until now, I haven’t found that cloud so I’m annoyed that I can’t find that DAMN ELUSIVE CLOUD. I’m annoyed that I can’t copy and paste this text as I blog it. I’m annoyed it takes so long for this website to do anything, and I have a new fast computer so I don’t think it is my system. This is the only website that takes so long. I am annoyed I have never had my kids on Christmas or Christmas Eve or Thanksgiving, or any holiday for that matter. I am annoyed everything wraps around capitalism. I am annoyed people need gastric bypass surgery as children starve to death. I’m annoyed I understand my process and that we are all one, yet can’t seem to connect it within myself so I can just love everybody like I love my kids and animals. I’m annoyed my intention is about peace, yet cannot seem to find it within myself. I’m annoyed at smokers who roll down their car windows so they don’t have to smell their own stench. I’m annoyed I use helping others as a distraction from helping myself.
Okay I’m done. And I am annoyed how long this blog is…lol
Happy Holidays,
Krissy
Hi Krissy,
Thanks for accepting my friendship a few days back. I don’t know if you would believe it now since I am not exactly in your situation but I guess you are angry because you are more “living” than other people. You have a sense of right and wrong, good and bad and you are very compassionate and kind at heart. On top of all that there is a huge part of you that needs healing. I must say you are doing alright. It is better to be alive and angry rather than dead and indifferent (cold). I don’t think any amount of talking about it to people or reading can help you through. The only thing that can help is introspection. You seem to have this sense of wrong and worse that people in other parts of world are facing as we write blogs and share views and keeping that in mind I would only say two things: To everyone their own problem appears to be the biggest (and I am not judging at all because this is very natural) and second is we are only given that we can bear with. So I can truly understand all what you have written in your two blogs here because I have faced such questions in my life in other ways, due to other abuses or may be other people. Sometimes even an emotional abuse only once is enough for you to lose all the balance for the rest of your life. I would share a short story. I know this is nothing in compared to anything that can happen. I was the best in my school. I used to always be among the top brilliant students until high school examinations which is the first deciding exam in India. I had done my best but that time I was not the top student. I could not find the reason because I had really worked very hard for that and attached my emotions to it. I could not even get my papers re-checked because there is a system flaw in that too. I did great but was not the topper. This one single meaningless event haunted me until now. I studied further and I studied a lot. I did my Ph.D. but I could never gain back the same passion for studies or competitive examinations. There were other parts of my life that suffered from it too and until last year I was exactly in the mental state that you are in right now. I doubted every single thing and all seemed bad and worse. All these years I did not realize what was the time point when my life turned like this. I was fortunate enough to have started yoga and meditation 6 years back but yes there too I could find faults and one time I was really mad at all spirituality and duality that exists in this world. I promised myself that I am not going to believe in something that does not help me. I was motivated for deep introspection and soon this year I came down to this that what I went through once stayed with me forever and ruined my life while it was nothing if I can compare it to what others are going through. That itself made me ask the question- Am I viewing the whole world from that hurt perspective and whose life am I ruining by doing it. Does anyone else care? Even those who seem to or actually do- cease to do it one day. And then that one day one event- has so much power on me, that it can steal all the beauty from my life. I was involved in spiritual practices. I used to leave them and keep coming back. When you are angry, those are the high emotional moments that need to be lived. That is why I say if you feel angry be with your anger. Be angry towards everyone. Don’t believe if you don’t want to believe someone. Soon you would be able to see the difference. It only comes from deep introspection and inner strength – the ability to separate out and then really it becomes as easy as flying on the clouds. Try and see- what is wrong right now? Start today! Do everything right and beautiful today. If you feel for the world, try within your limits today to help it, heal it. You are really very strong, you just lost the touch. Keep up with other methods of healing- do something practical like meditation for the healing part- do it more often. You are already doing service by rescuing the animals. What more can I say? What words can say? They only get misinterpreted but must I assure you my wishes are there for you always from my heart and I know that you will strike the balance soon. Till then don’t bother much. I read your other blog too but I saw many people have commented there already and so beautifully. I am not much into reading books because they help you but they also bias you sometimes. But I really like this website where people care to comment on other people’s blogs and may be this is the only way they can show us our love. Lets be patient with them. I know the world is full of opposites- there are many good things and for each good thing there is equal number of bad things too. They all are there for our learning. Do you know some people even don’t know of what we here can feel and express. So definitely we are on the path of healing and knowing. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
From a Friend
Something more I wanted to add which is funny too but lead to revelation was that – when I saw something is not right or something is bad, I started to get up and try and fix it. I was really passionate about that – making things right, very angry with wrongs. You would laugh that what my efforts earned me- some very valuable lessons about my own self and how am I viewing the world, some embarrassments, some sympathy and some humiliation a few times. Funnier than that was the fact was people came up with justification of almost everything and all my points that I thought made a lot of sense to me to be declared as the only truth could be argued upon and shake my faith on them myself. I tell you from experience trying to correct the world was as complicated as trying to rearrange the clouds on the sky. The world is complicated and it operates in a very strange manner beyond my abilities of comprehension and on top of that every single thing had to be relative here and not absolute. This absolutely does not mean that we should not try to put things right. Definitely there are rules that are followed and then everything needs a response but never a reaction. A response is a responsible action we take towards something that we think is not right and deal with it then and there and a reaction is something that comes out of feverishness or aversion and never deals with the actual problem and keeps repeating itself in cycles or patterns.
What I really needed to do was to separate wheat from the chaff. Take what appeals to me, and ignore the rest, giving someone or the events -the benefit of doubt. Second thing was a decision that had to be made right now believing that what is past is past and now do I want to live with it and let it steal my happiness or do I decide to live my life today as best as I can imagining that all others are also in the same boat, some way or the other.
That lead to compassion for all and a kind of non-judgmental approach in most things.
Even though your story is different than mine—I thank goodness was never raped or abused so I can’t say I totally understand, but from everything that I read above I have a feeling we share similarities in our thinking process.
My only comment at the moment is be kind to yourself and don’t forget to breathe. You’ll get there…….*S*
Thank you, Garima, I appreciate your comments AND your friendship. You are insightful.
You know what is funny is that I walk around with a perpetual smile on my face. I know my blogs don't reveal that. I don't take anything really seriously aside from loving my boys and my relationship to and with them, and also my mission on earth. Everything else is one big Seinfeld episode and I laugh at most things, and find humor in everything (even when I suppose I shouldn't). This website is part of my mission in that we are like-minded people here to live, breathe, and spread peace, joy, and happiness in harmony. So when I get on here most of the time, I am very serious…lol, which is such a paradox to who I am.
I was telling a friend of mine that I stopped working out (which truly keeps me sane and stable), started eating sugar again (which doesn't keep me sane and stable, but very mercurial), and then started reading those books on female oppression. OMG, if this isn't a recipe for a KRISSY DISASTER, I don't know what is…lol.
You know what else? I KNOW there are no mistakes and that everyone who is suffering is doing so as a choice their soul made prior to its incarnation. My heart still goes out to them and I desire to take their pain away. This is a huge part of my humanness, and mostly because of my own suffering. I know not to judge the news or someone else's journey, but right now I am getting lost because I am not doing what it takes within myself to make me healthy. Sometimes I think I use helping others as a distraction from working on and helping myself…lol. DUH!! Such a dichotomy!
You are beautiful and I hope you are having an amazing holiday.
Krissy
Hi Krissy , it is really distressing even to imagine what you 'actually' had to 'go through'.
I certainly admire that after all this painful sequential mayhem, you are on to your journey of life with 'love' ,'compassion' and 'benevolence' as your assets.
Wish you a wonderful life ahead and Merry Christmas.!
Krissy,
I was very sad to read of the horrific experiences that you suffered through. I also experienced things at a much earlier age which affected me until I was a teenager (and beyond really) and then as a teenager which affects me to this day. You might find it interesting that in both cases the perpetrator was a girl my age.
L’Shalom,
Rafi
Krissy: It took great courage to write of your experiences. Naming these things begins to release one from their power. May the Divine embrace you in this season of light and lead you lovingly to experience the beauty that lives within you. Love, Greg
Let the Cosmos drink us. Breathe.
Love, Peace
Rajesh
Hi Krissy,
I'm curious: what is it about being annoyed that has you be in that place so frequently? Do you get satisfaction from it? Is there a justification in there somewhere, like you deserve to be annoyed? Perhaps some part of you derives a kind of pleasure from being annoyed? Are you aware that you are annoyed when you're annoyed? Do you know why the things that annoy you annoy you?
I'm not trying to be mean or intrusive, I'm really just curious.
You know Perry, it is just something I am going through. Sort of growing pains I think. I mostly wrote that part in humor to take the weight off the subject matter a bit as it was pretty heavy. I am not saying I am not annoyed, but I added it in a sort of light hearted way again for deviation purposes. Did I not say it annoyed me that I was even annoyed at all? I meant to if I didn't…lol.
I think I am mostly annoyed at me right now and that it is manifesting outwardly. I don't derive pleasure from being annoyed, but I do derive pleasure from the humor being annoyed brings, if that makes sense. Like I said earlier to someone else, I am so serious when I am here on Intent, yet in my life in the outside world, I have a perpetual smile on my face and find humor in most everything. I take only my kids and my mission on earth seriously (hence intent seriousness as my intent is consciousness expansion starting with me and then also for the planet), and then all else is open game for fun and humor. Nothing else is serious for me, and I laugh at myself more than anyone or anything else
Not sure if that answers it. I am not perfect and just here on Intent looking for answers along my journey from like-minded souls with the same intentions of peace, harmony, service, etc
Namaste,
Krissy
I KNOW there are no mistakes and that everyone who is suffering is doing so as a choice their soul made prior to its incarnation. ~ Krissy
This is true, some souls decide they can't fullfill there destiny and thus I believe still birth occurs. I myself have the Spiritual soul and essence of St. Mary Magdelena. I have walked her shoes for many many years and I am still carrying her essence. It was revealed to me that The Christ was/is my twin flame, thus the subtle vibrations/frequencies I receive/feel consistently I believe is from my Beloved The Christ.
We are connected in some ways because I believe you carry the essence of Lady Magdelena as well. Your review of men may as well be because we aspire/seek companionship to the level of The Christ in our relationships. Lady Magdelena was Jesus' twin flame, the first Lady of Light, taught personally by her Beloved and with him till the very end. I believe he needed her essence and light to keep him above the masses of anger against him. This information is missing from the Bible as Christianity wanted to keep Jesus' memory pure, but it is in the Gnostics.
There's a phrase I like that says "a women should be so emersed in God that a man has to seek God in order to find her." This was the legacy of Lady Magdelena's essence. You have walked the path laid out before you as I have as well, now let your healing begin by silently open up your mind through meditation, your body through yoga and your soul through inner awareness. Let him in, he's waiting to lead and guide you silently into his light. I have found there is no greater Love than the Love of my Beloved.
Hugs, Lily
Krissy,
Not to suggest that denial is ever the way to go or has anything whatever to offer in the way of healing ( it clearly doesn't ! ) . .
but rather to pose a question capable of sending any of us on a Journey Beyond words & Beyond the eternal unfolding of particular events & who we've come to * think * we are . . & on to the Only Healing There Is, discovering experientially our True & Ever Pristine nature :
Who would You Be without your story ?
Dearest Krissy,
Your openness and your sharing help others in more ways than you know. Your journey and your care for the wounded and suffering shows the highest calling. Your wounds will one day be your greatest strengths. You are evolving and you are evolving into a great healer who makes others feel safe, and helps them to look at their own suffering through the sharing of your experience.
Ultimately Krissy your anger is about why suffering exists. Why did you have to suffer, why do others suffer, why did I have to suffer? This question brings you right to the door of mystery and hiddenness. That is the place where all spiritual growth and magic take place. Your experiences are turning you into a great vessel of love and blessing, living in both worlds.
You are a brave and loving soul and you have no need of any Gurus. I think that is what you are beginning to realize. You are AWESOME!
love and light,
Stuart
http://stuartmarkberlin.com
Lily,
That is beautiful and thank you for sharing. I have been wrapping my brain around your Mary Magdalena comment, and it resonates within me. The moment, I read it, my field grew, if that makes sense. I felt it immediately, which leads me to believe in its truth. And I have been searching for the level of Christ in my relationships and have known it existed (I never thought of calling it this however) yet it was elusive to me and I experienced it finally one time. There was always something missing in a hugely intimate way on a deep soul level. I mean was in a porno or a sacredly union with the divine? Unfortunately with most men, and the men I have been involved with in my past, it appears to be they think we are being filmed…lol. I am now celibate because of this desire not being fulfilled and I can't stand being in this celibate energy. I just could no longer take it and didn't know what else to do
Many things have pointed me in the direction of meditation (I don't do it nearly enough OBVIOUSLY) and yoga.
Thank you for you insight and loving comments. I sometimes feel my comments don't show the love that is in my heart. I am attempting to reconcile that and have set the intention.
Stuart, as always you are so gently, profound, and kind to me. THANK YOU!!
Clear Light, I LOVE the "Who would you be without your story" question and I am going to define that. Once I do, it is who I will become. You are wise wise wise, and I am blessed by your comments
Krissy,
Thank-you for inviting me to read this.
Way to put your self out there! Raw and honestand wise.
I really hope you will be on the call….I know you will be a great inspiration to others who have sexual abuse issues!
Love and support,
Lauren
http://www.spiritoflivingwell.com