Good enough parent

How to be a better parent? I want to start by saying sometimes I am a "good enough" parent. I agree with Yumi’s statements regarding the multi-faceted nature of parenting and therefore parenting tips can come from all different angles.

The common denominator to all good parenting advice is unconditional love AND acceptance. Not only should you verbalise this, but you should model this as well. Children learn by what they see more than what they’re told/taught. You should love yourself, love your partner, and act with love and from love. Avoid messages that confuse a child. If my son feels his is being compared to his sister in any regard then he doesn’t feel accepted for who he is. It’s okay to be "you" even though you are different to someone else. If one child is fun-loving and the other more sombre then just accept and let them know this is okay. Children are desperate to feel normal and fit in.

Leading on from that is playing the player and not the ball. I feel that certain behaviour is unacceptable, therefore I must focus on that behaviour and not the child, which would make it more personal. "YOU are not a bad boy/girl but what you DID was unkind, unnecessary, unacceptable". Avoid words such as right, wrong, good, bad, ugly, nice – they are generic and judgmental. Be specific with words like kind, caring, sensitive, helpful, thoughtful, etc. "That was helpful" rather than "that was nice".

No matter what you’re dealing with, always try to catch your children doing something positive and praise worthy. Don’t dish praise as if it were oxygen, this does nothing for their long-term self-esteem. Again praise something specific and be genuine, kids have a radar for BS! "I love your drawing, especially all the colours" is better than "that’s nice" or even "that’s awesome" esp if they didn’t put much effort in. Psychologists agree that overly praising average work is more detrimental in the long run.

"I noticed you helped your sister with her shoe, that was very kind" shows you are paying attention when they do something noble. Often we only notice the negative behaviour and pay it the most attention. Even negative attention is attention and a child will continue "bad" behaviour just to get the attention.

There are many other practical tips to parenting that all involve love and acceptance, playing the ball, using positive words and praise, banishing punishment in favour of negative and positive reward systems, giving them more choices and control over their lives in an age appropriate way, preparing them for the challenges of modern life by giving them responsibility, creating opportunities to learn from their mistakes, teaching them appreciation and gratitude, and much more. Perhaps those are separate "action" blogs on their own?

I want to say a bit about conscious parenting. To be a "whole" mother I need to nourish my soul and feel centred and calm. Parenting is NOT for sissies! The best gift I can give my children is a solid relationship with my husband. Our marriage is not only a commitment, but we work (or have fun) at having passion, intimacy and friendship too. Our children are a physical embodiment of our deep love for each other. I am keenly aware of how powerful modelled behaviour is in teaching children about love and life. If you want your children to be spiritual, love themselves, respect others, and so forth then you must model this first.

Lastly, see in them what you wish them to become. See it now. If you see an ungrateful brat, you will relate to this brat and the brat will be born and become a BRAT. If you see a loving soul in need of your patience and understanding this shift in perception will create a new way of relating and the loving soul will be born, grow and become. It’s all in your perception, you create the reality you see in your mind’s eye. It might be helpful to see your children as little souls, bundles of God’s love, pure energy, disguised as young, naive and unwise, but deceptively so.

Have fun, families are about joy, energy and passion. Bring light-hearted playfulness into the home and let that be the rhythm and heartbeat of your family. You are raising adults not children and you are making their childhood memories every day. Enjoy!