Each of us experiences some kind of loss in this lifetime. People come and go from our lives, whether by choice or circumstance. How we cope with these events affects how we move forward, how we see the world, and how we feel about our lives.
I’m not the only person to have been through a divorce. When my first marriage ended after 17 years, I thought I handled it well. It was an amicable parting, and we maintained a friendly relationship. But then a few years later my sister’s husband died unexpectedly. My grief brought up new emotions, and I felt sad and angry and hurt as I relived the divorce in my mind. I realized through this experience that although I had moved on, I hadn’t really gotten over it; I didn’t have closure. I saw the parallels between my sister’s loss and my own, and I actively sought to come up with a formula through which we could both alleviate our pain.
Relationships take many forms: marriage, friendships, family, co-workers, classmates, lovers. Whenever two people have some kind of a connection, a relationship is established. Our energy goes into these connections, our emotions, our hopes, our human vulnerabilities. A relationship is an organism itself, and it can have a life cycle. But since relationship is a spiritual organism, it doesn’t die. It merely changes shape. The relationships we build with the people we encounter continue in spirit, in memories, and in lessons learned.
We are invested in our relationships with other people. We spend our time, and emotions, developing a kind of bond with a person. We give of ourselves, through our love, our friendship, our concern, and our efforts.
When we are faced with what seems to be the “end” of a relationship, we may feel loss, grief, anger or pain. We might even feel relief, or freedom. We may question the purpose for this change, whether it is abrupt or expected, and the necessity of it. The change may or may not be our choice, or our desire, but something we must learn to live with. The uneasiness may nag at us for years as we struggle to understand. How do we get that “closure” that our hearts and minds so desperately seek so that we can move forward with our lives?
We need to shift our perspective a little bit when it comes to relationships. In our human form, we see the illusion of death, and the ending of relationships. But what really takes place is a transformation. As we learn and grow through our relationships, our relationships evolve. We can use this evolution as an opportunity for continued growth, and for personal transformation. The pains that we feel are growing pains. However a relationship changes, whether it is a loss from physical death, a divorce, a move away, a growing up, or a falling out, we can not only survive, but thrive, knowing that everything, always, is exactly the way it is meant to be.
A Natural Law works whether we are aware of it or not. It is a principle of nature that is in effect at all times, without favoritism. Gravity is a natural law. It works the same for everyone, at all times. By being aware of gravity, we can move about more freely, with less risk of pain from falling down.
The Law of Relationship is two-fold. It says:
1) We are all connected.
2) We are here to help each other.
We are all connected in one way or another. We feel the same emotions; we share the same experiences. We are brothers and sisters on this planet. This connection bonds us, and gives us a relationship with each other. A mother in any part the world, can relate to another mother she has never seen because she knows what it means, and how it feels, to be a mother. We are all born the same way, and have to learn how to walk and talk and find our way in the world. We face challenges and heartache, no matter where we live, or how we live. Our connection cannot be broken.
With our challenges and experiences we learn and grow. Our relationships bring us many challenges and experiences, and through our relationships we learn and grow. This is how we help each other. We may not even know that we are doing it, but just by being in a person’s life, in some small way, we are contributing to the learning process, as they are contributing to ours. Our actions affect other people in ways we can’t even imagine. Even in times when we feel hurt by someone, that is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. We might not realize it in the moment, but in some strange and miraculous way, we are helping each other by going through this experience together.
Closure is different than grief. Grieving is looking back; closure is about looking ahead. We want to let go and move on. This is what closure gives us. We may have gone through the grieving process and still not have the closure we seek. The law of relationship helps us to maneuver our way through the five set process of closure: Recognition, Acceptance, Understanding, Integration, and Gratitude. When we reach a feeling of gratitude, we know we’ve come full circle to experience closure.
Closure is actually the perfect word for it. It’s more than neatly tying up loose ends. Think about life as a series of events and relationships, all linked together in some sort of artistic way, like a beautiful piece of jewelry. We can’t wear a necklace or a bracelet if the chain is just left dangling. The jewelry maker finishes off the piece by adding a clasp, one loop that kind of ties together the beginning and the end, the start and the finish, so that what we are left with is one strong continuous chain. Our closure is that clasp. Closure helps it all make sense. It turns something seemingly broken into something useful, purposeful, and lovely.
Lissa Coffey is the author of CLOSURE and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings. http://www.ClosureBook.com
thank you for this.
it is really helpful & right on time.
Interesting post.
Disagree with the concept of closure, and actually think it's a rather dangerous concept that's been picked up by mainstream practitioners — it seems to me the psychological equivalent of Prozac.
Thousands doping up on closure, but not really getting a the root of grief.
We may all be here, we may all be connected. I'm not certain that this is a valid justification of the concept of closure as its usually packaged.
Next time I'm in Afghanistan or Iraq, I'll try telling a woman who has been repeatedly raped or burned incomprehensibly about our western psychological notions of closure, and see how well it works. Or how about those in the Congo, who've known more violence in a few years than most of us will know throughout the course of a lifetime.
And I truly don't think closure is at all the perfect word, and I am not trying to be unduly shrill or argumentative.
I think it's trite, overused, and easy.
I think you're actually referring to a deep level of acceptance on life on it's own terms, and that means integrating the most heinous (don't think divorce or death really counts, as death is the most fundamental principle of life) experiences and making them work. You don't experience "closure," you incorporate the most valued spiritual principles into your existence while navigating some pretty complex psychological realities.
To talk glibly about closure does a disservice to the depth of human emotion and the complexities of life.
This entry seems to me less about "closure" than a very specific response to a couple of expectations that weren't met. That. Is. Life.
But most individuals with PTSS and experts dealing with trauma victims will tell you there is no such thing as closure. It's become a very easy and overused concept that actually does more harm than good. Wrapping it up in spiritual talk simply compounds the problem: good people of good intents expect that some "closure" in the guise of "happiness" is just around the corner if they get it
Granted, you're dealing with relationships in this entry — but the fact is that this concept of closure has been shilled to all kinds of folks who have a lot more than divorce and death to deal with. Group meetings for rape victims or inner city violence, focused on closure, while well intentioned, just miss the mark for too many people.
Again, I am reading your entry as more about missed expectations.
All best to you. I do wish you well, and apologize if I have misread you.
Hi!
You can't judge a book by an article… there's nothing "glib" about the book – it's a very thorough look at a very serious problem that many people have in releasing relationships that have changed. Closure is different than grief, and we look at that extensively in the book. No book can replace therapy for those who really need it – but for those who are looking for self-help, this book is a very good start. If you want to read the whole book and then do a review, I welcome that. I encourage people to look at the video on our site, and learn more about the book. We are having a great promotion today where you can get tons of free gifts with purchase. http://www.closurebook.com/promo
Hi,
Thanks for your response. I wasn't judging the book, because I haven't read it, just the article. As I mentioned, I understand your focus is on relationships, but my primary concern is the wholesaling of the idea of "closure" which I find has been transplanted inappropriately and very easily.
Glad you mention the difference here between the type of support needed for many trauma survivors (my primary concern) and the unavoidable way relationships change with time.
Thanks also for the link.
Be well.
I just started to read this book, as my husband walked out on us thus past June. I look forward to my new found journey! thank you~