I have a very strange fascination with North Korea’s Great Leader Kim Jong-il whose people die of starvation while he’s surfing the web for designer shades, gourmet food, and the finest cognac.
Following are some of Kim Jong-il’s fetishes all of which are from reputable sources across the internet:
–Kim Jong-il insists that his rice be cooked over a wood fire using trees cut from Mt. Paektu, a legendary peak on the Chinese border. Female workers inspect each grain of rice to ensure that they meet the leader’s standards*
–Kim Jong-il is a movie fanatic, and is said to have a collection of over 20,000 films. In 1978, in order to advance the North Korean film industry, he ordered North Korean agents to abduct the famous South Korean movie director Shin Sang Ok and his ex-wife, actress Che Eun Hui, and kept them for eight years while making them produce propaganda films.**
–Kim Jong-il keeps a very large liquor cellar. Famous liquor brands from around the world are lined up, maybe about 10,000 bottles in all. He prefers Johnnie Walker Swing for whiskey and Hennessy XO for cognac.***
–Kim Jong-il rides around in a specially fitted Japanese-built train, with its 21 carriages, lobster tanks and two armoured Mercedes cars.****
–Kim Jong-il injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young.****
If you noticed the highly publicized photo of Kim Jong-il next to President Bill Clinton from this last week’s meeting in Pyongang, you couldn’t help but notice Kim Jong-il’s amazing outfit. A one piece jumper with moose knuckle. Freakin awesome! I can just imagine the Great Leader’s assistant, "Great Leader, President Clinton of America is arriving to meet you today at 12pm. Pickup at 11."
Kim Jong-il must have thought to himself, "What should I wear? What should I wear? Hmmmm" as he looked through his closet. "How about this one piece jumper? Yes this looks nice. I think I’ll lift it nice and high in the crotch. Hmmm, should I let my junk lurk to the right? Or maybe it’s better on the left? Or maybe the right? Or maybe the left? Goddamit I can’t make up my mind! Somebody will die for this!!!! But first I’ll have a Henri IV Cognac, a Cohiba Behike cigar, and watch a Grace Kelly flick with 3 naked hookers, and hurry!!!!"
*****
The official state ideology of North Korea is called Juche which is, for lack of a better word, a "religion" and the only religion allowed in the country. There are 19 million North Koreans who embrace Juche thus making it the world’s 10th largest religion. ***** The God of Juche is the former leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il’s daddy. Being that Kim Jong-il is the son of their "God," he is given Christ-like status. "In one particularly blatant borrowing from the Christian tradition, the official biography of the son, Kim Jong-il, relates how farmers saw a star rising over the mountain where he was born. This Bethlehem on Mount Paekdu makes the junior Kim, the son of God." ******
It’s scary to think that if most any human were to grow up in North Korea, he would be brainwashed with a wholehearted belief that their Cognac sipping Great Leader has the power of a prophet or savior. Granted, the poor North Koreans have no choice but to believe. Should a North Korean dare to rebel, she is certain to die in labor camps. But the North Korean circumstance shows us the frailty of the human mind. Especially in oppressive conditions, a human being can believe with complete conviction the strangest things to be true.
But even in non-oppressive and totally free conditions, it’s a rare day that one dares to disagree with their own religion, to raise a voice, to object to a commonly held point of view. Granted, most religions aren’t led by a moose-knuckle loving Great Leader with a bouffant. But I dare to say…if I was taught as a young child in Sunday School that all roads lead to Kim Jong-il, I very well might start each day by jacking my pants up high with a sacred push of my junk to the left before sipping a Cognac, puffing my hair, and kneeling in prayer.
Namaste
David Romanelli
www.yeahdave.com
*http://www.boingboing.net/
** http://www.globalsecurity.org/
*** http://www.theatlantic.com/
*****http://www.atimes.com/
******http://www.independent.
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