Working as a therapist, I have come into contact with countless forms of suffering. One of the most devastating is self-criticism. Nearly everyone has an inner-critic, but how harmful it is depends largely on how we respond to it.
For most people, the inner-critic is formed through the psyche’s eternal process of trying to make sense out of our experience. When someone treats us badly, the mind immediately begins attributing some meaning to that experience, generally outside of conscious awareness. In other words, some deep part of the mind is trying to answer the question “Why did this happen to me?”
I don’t believe it is possible for a human to go through life without anyone ever treating them with some hostility or callousness. It is an experience we all share. An inner-critic is most often created when some part of a person believes they were treated badly because there is something bad about them. As the mind tries to make sense out of why a negative experience happened, its best guess is that it must have been our fault. This way of thinking is particularly strong in children because they are wired to be dependent on the adults in their lives. If I am dependent on my mom for my very survival, it would be terrifying to believe that she might treat me badly even when I haven’t done anything wrong. So when my mom is stressed out from work and doesn’t have the support or the communication skills to connect with me in a positive way, I end up believing she yelled because there is something wrong with me.
Now it is years later and this part that has decided we are defective has stayed with us. What can we do now? The most common answer in the mental health world is to argue with or ignore that voice in us. While this advice can be helpful to some people, for others it causes huge problems.
It is my experience that people who turn their inner-critic into an enemy and develop negative feelings toward that part of themselves end up in a hopeless conflict they can never win. People who seek to make peace with the inner-critic can find their lives improving tremendously.
Reconciling with the Inner Critic
The process of reconciling with the inner critic begins by understanding that this part of you is trying to communicate something. If you can translate its judgments and demands into feelings and needs, communication becomes possible.
There are two main exercises I do with my counseling clients to this end. The first begins with going back into a memory of being treated badly as a child. Generally I guide the client to ask him or herself as a child, “Why is this happening to you?” The child’s response is just about always some version of “Because I am bad.” Then I guide the client to tell the child a truer explanation for why this thing happened. Some clients need help with this part, but there is always a way to convey to a child that something is happening because of the adult’s lack of skillfulness or support rather than any intrinsic fault of the child’s. Many clients experience huge relief after this exercise.
The other main exercise I use is guiding a client to ask the inner critic, “What do you need or how can I help you?” Often clients get a very strong message about something like taking better care of themselves or staying connected with a parent. When this happens, I guide the client to thank the inner critic for caring so much about their well-being. I explain that you don’t need to agree with the inner critic’s methods to appreciating their intention. For most people, as soon as they are able to listen to their inner critic and hear how much that part wants what is best for them, the war is over. Over time, people are able to feel compassion for the inner critic and find that part of them becomes less critical.
If we are able to treat ourselves with compassion, especially the parts we don’t like, we can grow toward wholeness.
Tim Desmond, LMFT is a therapist in private practice and director of a mental health day treatment center in Oakland, CA. He offers therapy and consultation through his website www.phonecounseling.net
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