Question:
I am a 24 year old girl from Iran. I am a meditation beginner . These days I am getting out of a 3 year complicated relationship with a man which I loved so much, and I must confess I still do love him. He had a hard life while he was a child during the Iran-Iraq war, many other problems and pains in the previous years, death of his best friend and then the year after his mother died (they were really attached to each other) he went through a very serious mental problems, not accepting the fact of his mother’s death, anger, addiction and I can make u a list till tomorrow!!!and last year his older brother died!
He loves me so much ,but I think it’s no good for me to continue being in this relationship and he is not making any progress, I tried so hard to help him but he is the one who has to help himself. I am so tired, so hurt and i want to heal my own pains but why there is still a tiny little hole of hope inside me that makes me dream that maybe one day we can be together and everything will be fine and he will be healed and he will become wise.
I am doing my life on my own, everything around me is fine, education, work, art(I am studying illustration),but I am trying to forget that this relationship maybe be on again in a long future, why do I have this hollow hope yet? Everybody tells me that u have still hope, but why really?!How can I le t it go? What should I do not thinking of it,???:(
p.s: sorry if my English is not rich enough, I hope I could convey what my question is…
Answer:
The reason it is so hard for you to let go is because you still love him and he loves you. I appreciate that you are tired and hurt and feel you are ready to work on your own wounds. Perhaps some of your frustration and difficulty lies in your perception of the situation. You said you have tried so hard to help him but that he is not making any progress. When one is in a close relationship with someone who is recovering from as much personal loss in their life, as your ex- boyfriend is going through, then the best help they can receive from their partner is simply their close presence, not their active work in “helping” them get better. The other point is that progress in recovering from grief and trauma does not usually follow a straight upward line. From your point of view you may not be able to accurately assess his real progress based on your own frustrations and unmet needs.
The other point I wanted to make is that when we are closely involved with someone whose problems are so obviously more dramatic than our own, we tend to think that we are not able to heal and work on ourselves because the others difficulties are so dominating the situation. In fact, whatever feelings we are going through at the time are the exact issues that we need to heal. So even feelings of being overlooked and insignificant, or not being powerful enough to heal someone you love—whatever emotional frustrations you are dealing with are precisely the wounds in your heart that you need to heal, whether you are with him or not.
I believe the spark of hope you still hold for the relationship is your soul’s recognition that it is better to heal your heart with someone you love than alone. It’s not going to be easy either way, so consider what speaks to your heart, not to your frustrated mind.
Love,
Deepak
It's so beautiful and so enlightening thank 's Deepak for your wisdom
love
jocelyne
I concur.
ed
The Jigsaw of the Universe is a complicated one…
The wisest person in all creation couldn't ever take away the confusion you feel, when you understand why that is… then the Jigsaw clicks into place and was never seperated.
If you are alive then you will know suffering to a particular degree, it really hurts I know… consumes your mind it does.
The hardest thing to understand about personal suffering is that it is absoloutly neccasery… it is not even questionable to the point where deserve or undeserve comes into it…. You are it… you are suffering.. thats what you have become…
avoidence is futile… recognition and inquiry into emotional pain is a step forward… for example facing the source of your pain head on and bringing it under the scrutiny of your understanding or having realization into its relevance to your lifetime.
The Karma that your ex boyfriend has around him and is living out is not really that extrordinary yet it feels that way to you I suppose.
Love will always conquer the great divide no matter what that divide may be…
Love xx
I am your reflection as you are mine xx
Granpa Ed and crazee Simon…damn!
Beautiful answer Deepak.
A beautiful response. I too am still learning that being in relationship is the hardest work, the richest work, and perhaps the whole point of being a human being on the earth walk.
Peace be ~~ Julie
Wonderful reply. When I heal myself, I automatically heal my partner without my consciousness. Healing myself is the best way to help my partner.