“Just get over it!” “Get past it!” These commonly-given and common-sense responses to our breakup experience just don’t help for some of us. There are many reasons why we are not open to moving on after a heart break (usually in this case we are the Break-ee as opposed to the Break-er; otherwise we wouldn’t be so upset).
In general, most people do need a certain period for dealing with their tough emotions after a loss like this. What amount of time that is optimal for you is a good thing for you and your therapist to decide, not everybody else. Some people feel fine in a relatively rapid amount of time. I remember when my long term marriage broke up (decades ago). I had done so much grieving about the loss of the marriage before the actual breakup that, when it was finally over, there was a relief. I felt so fine, so fast, that the marriage counselor claimed I was stuffing my feelings – I simply couldn’t feel that good he insisted. He didn’t account for all the time inside the marriage when I was sad and heartbroken about it.
But, for others — like some of my clients, readers, and friends — the leftover feelings can last for years. Uh…perhaps that might be a bit overly long.
One reason this occurs is one, or both, person involved still feels an continuing emotional or energetic (or both) connection. These cases are typified by a continuing affection, or continuing anger. People in this situation say they might think of their ex often, or even dream about them at times.
Will We Ever Get Back Together?
I have sometimes found, when doing readings, there is still energy between the two people, or as I tell them, they are not done yet with each other. In these cases, many want to know then if there is any chance they will get back together. It makes sense, to me when doing an energy reading, that a person would feel this way. He or she can sense that the existing connection and want to know what will come of that. Left alone, this feeling can go on for years in some situations.
If this is your question, let me give you the very best metaphysical answer possible: “Act as if you will Never Get Back Together.” In some cases, I can certainly read a future possibility of coming together again. However, it is in your best interest to always, after a breakup, act as if there is no chance. As you see, this is somewhat similar to the common sense advice illuminated above.
There are two reasons that I would put forward why this is your best post-breakup mantra. First, cutting off any hopes of a future with the ex helps you begin to fashion and build up your own life, now without that person. This contributes to you becoming amore happy and fulfilled YOU, in a faster, clearer way, than if you continue to hold out for the possibility. That leads to a second reason. If you are one of the statistically rarer couples that does get together again, you return to it a more fulfilled, happier you, which always benefits a close connection.
So, the best answer for the question: “Will we ever get back together?” is “Act as if you never will.”
This is most excellent advice! I'm going to quote you to my clients who need to hear the "Act as if you never will."
Thank you and namaste,
Katy Allgeyer
Feng Shui By Fishgirl
http://fengshuibyfishgirl.com
Wow that is a powerful statement you made there. cant come at any better time , i just started a blog on breakup so there you go I have something to write about in my blog.
http://www.stoppingbreakup.com
Hi Margaret,
I would like to comment on the Phrase<usually in this case we are the break-ee as opposed to the breaker,otherwise we wouldn't be so upset>
I do agree with this as this is the main cause of the pain a break up can cause espesially to the break-ee.This is another example of our super EGO.Most of us have created a superb image of ourselves and we find it unbeilevable that some day a person tightly connected with us would d a r e to reject us.It is the rejection that makes us suffer.The matter is rather emotional,because as you say .it would be different if we were the breakers.In that case there would always be the other who would suffer not us.But now it is us ,our wounded feelings.It is our thoughts that create all this suffering and the luck of selfrespect.Because how on earth one would like to live again with somebody who has already rejected us.This is something out of my thought reach.
One rather could pick up the wrecks of his life ,uprise her/himself to the situation,neglect the whole situation and find the courage him/herself and carry on with his/her life.
There is no need for someone to cry over spilt milk.
This is just my point of you
Despina
In my humble opinion rejection is our greatest fear. We live our lives running from it. We build in many cases thick walls around our tender psyche to insure we never have to confront it. We became aware of the fear when we were young and most impressionable. Many of the fears we have today are mirrors of the fears we had as a child.
It is a difficult thing to experience the end of a relationship with someone you love. Especially if the person left you. The rejection almost feels impossible to deal with. It's the same feeling as a death in the family. Only with death there is a finality you can not or even hope to ever change. Knowing the person you love who you shared everything is down the street, a phone call or click of a mouse away, is torment to say the least.
Although I have come to know rejection is purely based on ego, it is something we get to learn about in this lifetime. We certainly did not have the cognitive skills to deal with it when we were young. So there has to be some purpose behind it. When I was in the forth grade I remember someone making fun of the boots I was wearing. My family was very poor and my Mother was doing all she could to raise our family alone. My real father left the entire family to fend for themselves. I can not imagine the feelings of fear and rejection my Mother experienced. Perhaps it is what brought on her cancer which eventually took her life. To this day I still remember vividly the person making fun of my boots. I was rejected and it stuck.
My point is rejection is our greatest fear and the greatest form of rejection would be feeling a person was rejected by their creator. Margaret stated that living as if it will never be is a statement of resolution that doesn't minimize the intense pain of loss, but helps us wake up in the morning and know we have another day we get to chose into.
Dave
Hi Dave,
I completely understand you ,but in this life unfortunately more or less we have all felt the bitterness of rejection and the fear of being rejected.However one is called to decide for himself if he wants to release himself from all the painful experiences he has had so far in his life and look ahead on how to reorganize his life and continue to live,or he can chose to be confined in his past for ever without the strenght to fight it and delete it from his data.
Everything has to do with our programming our brain and thoughts.It is our stagnant thoughts,perhaps the way we have been taught to think,that keep us confined in the past.
In this site ,we all try to improve ourselves ,perhaps to learn how to cope with these matters ,how to become more realistic.I do not mean that we should supress our emotions,I do not mean to uproot our personalities ,what I mean is to try to faciliate our way of thinking and the way we react to certain emotions that hurt our being.It is a hard work I know it may take you a life time but the longest journey starts with the first mile.This effort may take long ,but as soon as somebody gets aware of how harmful the poisonous emotions are for his Health and wellbeing ,I believe that it is worth its value.
Nothing important is gained without pain.I wish life was an easy issue,all joy and hapiness,but life is a struggle ,nothing is given ,eyerything must be gained with a lot of effort and responsibility.And what is hapiness anyway? a big house? a swimming pool, a brand shining car? then all wealthy people would have no problems neither Psycological or physical.Do you know to be so?
Real Happiness is one's inner balance .Balance is the key to happiness and to have balance one needs to have self awareness.
So everything depends on somebodies priorities,How he wants his life to be and he acts accordingly,
Best wishes
Despina
Despina,
Thank you for your thoughts. I wanted to share something with you that I am deciding on whether or not it is a truth I can live with. We have all heard life is hard. It requires hard work and persistence to get what you want. I have worked hard all my life to get what I want and I still don't have it. Why? Because I have never been really clear about what it is I really want. Had I established clarity on what I really wanted then it would not matter what I did, what I wanted would manifest at some point. In other words, it doesn't matter what we do but rather our way of being. Our way of being gets us what we want. When our doing is aligned with our "way of being" then we truly get what we want.
In the context of this thread, perhaps we were clear on the relationship we wanted. Perhaps in our minds and hearts the relationship seemed perfect. Obviously something changed somewhere along the path and the dynamics of the relationship disintegrated. No matter how hard a person wants the relationship, there is a point of no return. There is nothing a person can do. And obviously the "way of being" has shifted for both parties in regard to each other.
I feel the advise in this thread is sound because so much energy is expended in trying to "fix" whatever the problem might or in many cases, might not be. When we can step back and realize that the things I really can affect are only those things that affect my way of being, then proper focus is brought to bear and life will continue in it's abundant course. What was perceived as the perfect relationship might indeed be something that was not.
I do agree that balance is key. I am also open to the possibility that I might not understand balance and that the universe will yield her fruits in every situation if I establish clarity on what it is I really want by focusing on the good things and living as if the life I want is now.
All the best,
Dave
Dave,
I do agree with you especially with <What was perceived as the perfect relationship might indeed be something that was not>- When we can……..in its abudance course-Obviously
something changed….relationship disintegrated etc.etc.
I would like to ask you a question.Do you believe in Fate and Destiny?
I will tell you a few things after you have answered.
Despina
Despina,
Well…the concept of fate I may challenge. Here's why: I believe everything happens for a reason and everything that happens for a reason follows rules. Eventually what we call coincidence arrives at some point to the "one in one chance". It is distilled down mathematically to one. So I have to dismiss fate. However, there is a randomness to possibilities that could be acted upon by a thought which could affect an outcome. The possibilities are endless and yet they do end somewhere.
Destiny is a concept I would adopt more readily than fate. Destiny has direction and power and in my opinion is resolute. But I do believe that destiny can have many paths to the same end.
So please share.
All the best,
Dave
Hi Dave,
I do share,But since we have done a lot of use of Margaret's Blog,and I thank her for her patience ,let's move to my blog under the post< Can Positive thought change our Destiny?>
Waiting for you there
Despina
It is a great thread Despina and all! Thanks for it!