Helplessness is a state of mind, sometimes brought on by external circumstances and oftentimes brought on in the course of encountering obstacles when living a life. When we feel it, it is a frightening state, with a feeling of not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Regardless of the obstacles to what we want or our actual limitations, helplessness as a mind state is so problematic because it feeds on itself. In order to emerge from it, one has to not believe it, so that whatever our efforts at helping the helpless are, we need to show them their inner strengths. How we do this depends on the cause of the helplessness.
In depression for example, one of the leading theories is that depression results from “learned helplessness”. After encountering block after block in life, people “learn” that they have to avoid certain situations in order to avoid not being in control over getting what they want. They often lose their motivation, and find themselves stuck in recurring patterns of behavior. If we examine almost all situations of helplessness, this mentality exists. Poverty stricken individuals may have “learned” through their own difficult circumstances that they can never get what they want. A lover who has been rejected over and over again may have “learned” that they will never get what they want. A physically or mentally “disabled” person, by virtue of their specific “disability” may have “learned” to ignore their abilities. How then can we help people overcome learned helplessness? Below are some suggestions.
1. Education: Education about helplessness is important. It is never too late to provide this education. Whether raising a child, or teaching an adolescent, or working with a paraplegic person, we can educate people that they have the power to remove themselves from this state of helplessness. By educating, we empower people to help themselves, and in so doing, remove the self-perpetuating cycle of helplessness. We can do this by speaking to communities, writing articles, blogging, or writing books. The main message here is that helplessness is the brain stuck in a habit of thinking, and that there are ways we can refocus attention on what we want to do. Fear is often an important underlying factor in encouraging helplessness.
2. Meditation: By teaching meditation, we can help people understand that things are possible through non-rational means. Once people are able to understand the power of meditation, they will see that paths can be cleared simply by enhancing one’s relationship with the mind, and that helplessness is actually brought about by identifying with the vagaries of the mind rather than a deeper understanding of the self.
3. Support: Sometimes, regardless of how much we meditate or feel educated, we still feel helpless. In circumstances like these, loving supportiveness is critical and can help a lot. Hospitals, for example, are places where people can rest until they feel strong enough to access their own strengths. Similarly, by supporting others, we give them a chance to gain access to their own strengths. Charity, providing a shoulder to cry on, active listening, and essentially providing temporary resources until the person can find their wings to fly again, are some of the ways in which we can provide support.
4. Showing: One of the most powerful examples of helping someone overcome helplessness is by showing. Real life examples of people in similar circumstances who have overcome their obstacles can be very encouraging to those who feel helpless. Positive movies, inspiring books, actually holding someone’s hand through a difficult task and showing him or her that they can do it provides the impetus to believe.
5. Seeking help: Sometimes, professional help is necessary. Redirecting someone to a professional may be helpful. This could be a spiritual healer for spiritual direction, a psychologist or psychiatrist for medication or therapy or a group where people with similar experiences can share how they have overcome their obstacles.
By helping the helpless, we inevitably help ourselves feel a sense of purpose and also, inevitably, we feel better about our own lives. This is a complicated situation, as it may make us avoid our own limitations and may make us stuck in patterns of helping without advancing because of an unconscious feeling of helplessness. It is important then to always remember that when we are helping others, we are also helping ourselves, but that in order to help others, we have to continue to help ourselves.
The process of helping cannot simply be an indulgence of pity or an indication of one’s moral compass. True helpfulness comes from recognizing that we are all interconnected and that helping is only an indication that we are interdependent. Helplessness is the light turned off. If we turn the light on, we can help people focus on what is possible rather than what is not. If we don’t turn the lights on with education, meditation, support, showing or providing help, we end up creating a society where the less fortunate are dependent on the more fortunate, This is not good for anyone eventually. I believe that while support is important, empowerment is key. An increasingly self-sufficient society is a wonderful mission and much more likely to enhance a sense of community and interdependence than one that depends solely on doing things for the helpless without eventually providing a vision that they can do it themselves.
Dear Mallika,
Thanks for selecting yet another desperately needed topic, i agree to every word of your article. thanks.
Wish you love, peace and happiness.
Trisha
Most of the life I spent planning and caught up in thinking and never accomplishing anything I planned. When it coming to helping people, I do not think or plan much which could potentially end up no action at all. I just donate(fortunately I can) whatever I can. Just a minor step. This is good and bad at the same time. But I take some action and focus on Intent even though my mind is skeptical about the organization. On a deeper level I do feel that am I really helping anyone at all? Can we really help someone on broader perspective? From many of the books I read from Deepak I think my mind is opening up to the idea that by helping someone, I am helping my self. Thanks for posting about Anouradha Bakshi and other articles. I did stop using plastic spoons at home
Hi Malika:
"how can we help support those in need? "
I basically know two forms: Clarification and consolation.
Consolation is usually necessary in extreme cases like you must feed the person
or she will die. There
Dear Mallika,
I feel touched by your compassionate question! How considerate you are! I heard that two periods of quiet time (Transcendnetal Meditation) can create more harmony in the school comunity and reduce bullying to quite an extent. See http://www.tmeducation.org or http://www.stressschools.org .
Then I think it is important to closely follow up on what bothers the mind and heart of our kids – but without urging them too much to speak out or intruding into their privacy as in that age kids are very sensitive in regard to that.
The mother talked 7 or 8 times to the school administration – and nothing changed. I would seriously consider then to have the kid change the school (or do home schooling maybe in that case). Children should know that parets will protect them and will show the courage to fight for them.
Also, there might have been other issues that added up and led to the suicide. In that age kids watch the world of the adults' and their lives closely and they tend to generalize what they see.
A teenager in that age might see the lack of perspective, hope and change in the adults' life , lack of money, lack of opportunities to realize one's dreams and find that quite oppressing – and for that reason life and living in general not worthwhile. Maybe as an adult or parent one can talk about how oneself views the world and what are the motivating factors in one's own life – but not as an educative talk, more a deeply personal statement. Also, it is important to look at how school is perceived by the kids and have an idea of what is taught in those different school subjects. Depressive literature or the history of dark periods can be quite a heavy load on a sensitive soul as well.
I find it very important that we teach children that conditions and circumstances are changeable and that we can shape life so it fits to us and it is enjoyable. We need not stay victims of circumstances and conditions. If your find like-minded people and you can change a lot of your living conditions and find spaces of freedom and latitude. To see this and experience it is sooo important for kids entering adolescence.
Excellent post and question, Mallika. Helping to keep hope alive is one important way we can help the helpless. Sometimes people who are helpless have simply lost all hope in their lives. Inspired by your blog, I've posted mine on this important topic at:
http://www.intent.com/blog/2009/04/28/restoring-h…
Michelle Schoffro Cook, DNM, is a best-selling & 6-time book author
The Life Force Diet, The Ultimate pH Solution, The 4-Week Ultimate Body Detox Plan, The Brain Wash, and Healing Injuries the Natural Way.
http://www.TheLifeForceDiet.com
Your post has inspired me to respond because it is a question that I have been thinking about for quite awhile now. Four years ago my 15 year old son was a victim of suicide. He had struggled with anxiety for years, but it was a very inner struggle – not something that was very apparent on the outside. It left the lingering question, how do you save a life when you don't know it needs saving? There are the obvious helpless, and the not so obvious. And then there are the survivors of the helpless. The lessons that our family has learned from our experience have been powerful and I think that we can all practice these lessons in the form of accepting things that we cannot change, forgiving those we do not understand and replacing our judgments with love for those who need it the most. Often times we don't know that the helpless are in our midst and sometimes just looking someone in the eye and giving them a smile is the best we can do.
Please help me to stand in my feet, I’m a unemployed youth of this generation. So that I could take my family in a good position. Kindly contact me in this email address swrandeep@yahoo.co.in
Please help me to stand in my feet, I'm a unemployed youth of this generation. So that I could take my family in a good position. Kindly contact me in this email address swrandeep@yahoo.co.in
Dear Mallika:
I completely agree with your thoughts and concerns regarding helping the helpless kids/adults. Many times I have thought about this. For example…
Because I am from Southern part of India and I have seen lot of poor kids who don't even have enough money to buy books or go to school. I thought of randomly walking in a poor neighbor hood and talk to any kid/family whom you can visibly see their poorness , talk to them and their kids. Understand their difficulties and just pick up a kid or sponsor a kid's education etc. These things comes in mind many times but nothing has happened yet.
So I really wanted to help those kids/people out there. Let us find out a way for that and I will be with all of you supporting financially or physically.
Thanks
Mohan