Saying no to others can be a daunting experience. Intellectually, you tell yourself that you can say no calmly and assertively – that it means saying yes to the self. However, when it comes time to actually use the two-letter word, many feel anxious and stressed as a more rapid, shallower breathing takes hold. At the moment of truth instead of speaking up, you lie with a “yes, of course” and then ruminate about your inability to stand up for yourself internalizing a negative opinion about being weak and a people-pleaser – turning that “no” inward instead of outward.
In stress management you learn to redirect attention to the positive. However, this does not mean that you can’t say “no” or should not accept an honest “no” from others. In order to facilitate responding with a “no” you need to reach for a happier thought, a better-feeling thought. No begins on the inside stemming from a positive perception about yourself, what you stand for and how you stand up for yourself. No comes from being in the “know” that you don’t please others by compromising your energy, ethics or time. You are good enough and do not have to prove your self-worth to earn love and popularity by doing everyone’s bidding and suppressing your own needs. Relationships are always based on balance. Remember the first relationship you need to balance is the one you have with yourself.
Therefore it’s time to learn how to say “no” – nicely! In this case practice makes perfect. Besides you have “no” lodged in your memory when you were a toddler. Most toddlers say no quite easily and emphatically. In fact, they put their whole being into it. The “no” asserts their will as a separate entity. This is a great lesson because through contrast, how you differ from others, sets you on the path to self-discovery.
How to say no-nicely:
* Take the intensifiers and modifiers out of your language. Use a simple structure of subject, verb and object.
* Don’t go into lengthy details about why you can’t do it. This weakens your position and opens up plenty of room for a big debate where temperatures will surely rise. This is readily evidenced when saying “no” to a teenager.
* Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror. This way you can practice your body language, slow down your breathing and reinforce the words while you shake your head from side to side.
* You can remove the sting when you refuse a legitimate request by explaining that you would like to help out or do it, but you can’t this time. You can add that you wish this person a successful outcome. However, don’t say this to a parasitic request.
* If you have a friend who calls with dramatic requests at unreasonable hours, let your phone message center take the call. Respond when you are ready. If you happen to pick up the phone, simply say, “Now is not a good time.”
dear debbie,
this is one battle i always fight unsuccesfully (esp in close circle) thanks for the invaluable points.
Wish you love, peace and happiness.
Trisha
Dear Trisha,
Make peace with it and you will find it much easier.
Best,
D
dear debbie,
and Basu
for me too it is one battle i always fight unsuccesfully, thanks a lot for talking about this and every time im angry about myself as y i didnt refuse. wat has happen to me several times also i dont know y is i let my boy friend do things which i dont approve and was sure to say no as i dont approvwe of it, i made up my mind but whn it the time arrived i dont know y i see his point of view only even if he thinks only about himself. It also happens with other people who was lying and they steal my money not doing the work. 4 this also i said i will be firm. but i turned out to be weaker for accepting to please others egoistic intentions even if its bad 4 me. i turn out to be the looser and the other people wins always.
Hahaha…this is a very nice post. i have learned some tactics to say no so nicely from here. I was having problem before in this matter.
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Good evening dear Debbie, I am writing a thesis on this topic, "Ways of refusal", can u tell me where can i find an appropriate book, or a sientific article about it…Plzzzzzzzzzz help me, thanks