There is nothing mysterious when two people in a couple cannot stand one another, and are not having sex. But what about the couples I meet in my practice every day? The ones who claim to love each other as much as ever, who describe relationships that are caring and loving, but they are not having sex — at least not with each other?
After more than twenty years as a couple therapist in New York City, I found myself asking the same questions over and over. Why does great sex so often fade for these couples? Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex? Can we want what we already have?
In writing "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence," my point of view was that of a foreign therapist, observing American sexuality. I grew up in Belgium and Israel and even though I’ve practiced in the United States for twenty years, I remain an outsider in some ways and am able to shed a cross-cultural perspective on American mores. And yet these issues are not purely American. Since my book hit the stands fourteen months ago, I’ve traveled to over fifteen countries. In each new locale, I have been met with packed auditoriums, vibrant with the energy of the unspoken. The buzz has been almost electric, palpable, as time and time again people have jumped at the chance to engage in a dialogue about an unspoken pervasive problem: the sexlessness of the modern couple.
For centuries marriage was a financial and social arrangement, a matter of reason. Marital sex was either a "wifely duty" or it was sex for reproduction. We did away with the loveless marriage and replaced it with the marriage of love and desire. Gone are the old rules , but now we face a new predicament: gone is the sex, full stop.
As I continued to investigate the essence of eroticism in long-term committed relationships, I was surprised to discover that in every corner of the globe, the romantic ideology of modern love and coupledom has left citizens of the world wondering about, and preoccupied with, the dilemmas of desire.
This lack of desire that plagues many couples isn’t picky — it affects everyone. How it is experienced is unique, as is the context in which it occurs. Still, at every turn, couples around the the world are chasing the desire dragon. We, the beneficiaries of the sexual revolution, have contraception in hand, egalitarian ideals in our head, and the permission to do what we want. Yet, we don’t feel like doing it — or at least not at home.
Amidst the different landscapes, the similarities among us were magnified. I began to see more and more couples that cultivate closeness, with the expectation that more intimacy will bring better sex. The message is the same; we all got the memo: the more you know, the more intimate you become (and you become intimate by revealing every little detail about yourself), and the better the sex will be.
Or will it? My belief is that in order to better the sex, we must first recognize that reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem we can solve; it is a paradox we manage. Reconciling love and desire is about bringing together two fundamental, but opposing human needs. For some people, love and desire are inseparable. The safety, security and trust experienced in love works to unleash their desire. For others, they are more disconnected.
While on the one hand we seek predictability, and stability — these are the promises of the much sought-after committed relationship — our other hand is reaching for more, for mystery, excitement, discovery. Time and time again, it is coming up empty. To sustain desire toward the other, there must be an element of separateness.
The archetypal exploration is also helpful. -The many parts of human love in its multi-faceted dimensions is important to understand. Eros is known to be the tricky one, the most elusive also.
This is a very interesting discourse. It has allowed me to see things in a different light. All the 'good things' – ie love, intimacy, stability, etc – can be had, but life should not be routine in any case. Life should remain an adventure. You can have stability without uniformity.
A thought provoking post I must say. I guess it is like being able to eat my favorite food everyday would make me bored of it quickly and my adventure spirit would rise to taste something different. Action, variety and thrill are needed for each one of us. As Alex said, anything routine becomes boring. I would also add that a certain distance is really important in relationships. If we are not independently happy with ourselves and things around us, every other thing also loses its perspective in long term. Taking short breaks in the form of renewal of a hobby or anything that brings out our creative potential and makes us happy and also having and maintaining respect for the other human being are very much required in addition to love for maintaining a healthy relationship. For maintaining intimacy and sexual attraction towards the same partner, respect, distance and commitment are needed.
I can speak from experience when it comes to this topic, but only when it comes to relationships and not marriage. In my last relationship I exhibited this behavior towards my girlfriend, but it was all based on fear. Fear of commitment, fear of the relationship, fear of expressing myself emotionally. In the end all I did was push a beautiful person away.
Now the only thing I am afraid of in this world is not getting the chance to have her in my life again . I am lost since I do not know how to cope with what I am feeling, not being able to talk to her about it and having to face an uncertain future. But I have decided to move from where I live to be closer to her, because I think that if there is any chance of us being together we will have to be near one another. I just hope I get the chance to rebuild the friendship I once had with her. Would this be a mistake? Perhaps someone can offer insight as to how to cope with the feelings of remorse and anger stemming from ones past actions/decisions. I look forward to receiving any and all suggestions. Thank you.
I know i get intimate with london escorts and girlfriends, but the escorts its just sex unless im a regular they it's like were just fuck buddies and me having to pay her which is weird when you start getting discounts.
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Expert marriage counselors suggest that when a couple is so associated in mind and spirit then physical relationship develops whether couples are married or not and they feel secure, happy, faithful to their partner. In such case both of the partners never expects infidelity and any other unfaithfulness. It is wrong sometimes and sometimes right depending upon the desires, respect and loyalty to each other. Many times one partner makes commitment for love and marriage but after having physical relationship things will change. In such cases another person is totally faithful to the cheater but unable to find out his basic motive due to emotional attachment, this is know as emotional abuse. People not be able to recognize his/her partner personality because of extra emotional attachment and take his/her every wrong or right action in positive way. It is very hard to recover from the person who hurt in any relationship that accomplished on the basic of emotional abuse. Many time spouses become mentally ill, depressed and addicted, so physical relationship is wrong in each and every case.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
I also find it wired when two people say they love each other so much and are not having sex, it is probably other area where they find sex partner such as London Escort Agencies .Whatever love is different from sex, though they are interconnected
Does girls have similar sexual attraction as in case of boys?
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I am an expatriate living in Dubai with my husband for the past ten years. We have been married 15 years and I must say even though we love each other an are very intimate the desire for sex has completely gone. Recently my husband suggested maybe hiring a Dubai escort may be the answer to our problem with lack of sex. I have been thinking about it but I am not sure I want to go down that road as who knows where it may lead?
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Love with one person can work but is it real?
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