There is an American myth that two halves can come together in a loving relationship and become whole. However, contrary to cultural myths, close intimate relationships are not additive, where one half plus one half equals one. Close relationships are actually multiplicative. It is the whole Jerry McQuire myth problem: “You Complete Me!” This is all utter nonsense. The rule is that it takes Two Happy Healthy Whole People to make One Happy Healthy Whole relationship – and there are No Exceptions to this rule.
When two not-emotionally-whole people — roughly meaning people who still have emotional scars, insecurities, baggage and such – come together, whatever personal holes exist get magnified in intimate relationships. What happens is intensified holes, not wholes (Sorry Could. Not. Resist. that one and I really, really tried…).
It turns out that that instead of one half-person plus another half-person making one whole wonderful relationship, everybody involved is at risk of feeling even worse by the time it is done. In intimate relationships especially, what happens is that one half is multiplied by one half and the result is one fourth. People feel reduced. What this means is that many times, by the time the relationship is done, everybody feels worse than before.
We can extend this. If I am only about ¾ healthy, joyful, whole person, and I join into a close relationship with another 3/4, we are going to get about one half of a “whole” relationship out of it, due to the multiplicative properties.
The only way out of this is to realize that it takes two healthy, joyful, whole people to make one healthy, joyful, whole relationship. Try to imagine two very emotionally unhealthy people enjoying a healthy close relationship. It is hard, no? Another way to put this that the least healthy person in a relationship will dictate the overall health of the relationship.
So, your job then is to become an entirely whole, self loving, self assured, self trusting, emotionally healthy, authentic person first. Your future relationships will be all the better for your efforts here.
Thank You Margaret,
Now let's repeat this post every day until it is global common knowledge.
In other words: when 1+1 = 1, 1+3/4 = slow growth and disillusionment. And the smaller the fractions multiplied, the less likely 40 years will solve the problems.
(To multiply the following blessing, read aloud.)
Let us daily increase in: wisdom, love, gratitude, reverence, healing, peace, joy, happiness, laughter and prosperity.
Blessings X 10,
Ed
Thank you for this post. I am often thinking and writing about this very concept. You're multiplication concept is fascinating and I had never considered that though! It really is true that when you're not a whole person your intimate relationship magnify your issues and this can be incredibly overwhelming.
I just wish there was a clear cut way to find completion and love in one's own self. It is proving an arduous, long journey for me but I see it is worthwhile.
Sassy,
Try this handy little shortcut. Every day, tell your heart how much you love it, out loud. Your heart will not only love you back more, but your loved ones as well and all of our others.
(To multiply the following blessing, read aloud.)
Let us daily increase in: wisdom, love, gratitude, reverence, healing, peace, joy, happiness, laughter and prosperity.
Blessings X 10,
Ed
What happens when a couple of fairly emotionally healthy people get married, but one person doesn't necessarily stay emotionally healthy? web site design Is the relationship doomed to fail? P.S. Love you on RFH!
This so speaks to where I find myself in my current relationship.
I have come to the conclusion, thru alot of introspection- spotlights into my dark shodowy places, that it is time to own and share honestly the energy that I canno longer give to this relationship. I am tired of dancing to try and keep him comfortable or feeling secure. His self- confidence is his, and my voice needs to be released from the halls of my head.
The growth that is needed by us both needs to happen long before this could ever become
a healthy, "permanent" relationship.
Thank you for the resonance that coaxed and clarified a very pressing topic for me.
Robbyn
Namaste'