What is mastery in life? Is it to know when the mind that has been empowered to be discerning is not discerning, and to then know what is real?
My conscious mind chatters at me in the equivalent of Technicolor. It vies for my attention, turning up the volume and occupying space. When unfiltered, it fills my head with fears and concerns. It hides in the quiet of night, plotting ways to catch my attention next, interrupting my sleep in hazy pre-dawn hours, luring me away from my dreams to another day of vigilant reporting, questioning, and judging.
My mind is a master of worry and concern. For me, these have been difficult times filled with uncertainty. I have lived through personal tragedy where fear and loss have left me tender and vulnerable.
When loss devastates, nothing stands up to replace it. There are moments when the mind tries, but loss won’t let you fill its deep chasm until it’s time. Loss can bring you to your knees. It tears the breath from your lungs and pushes you to let go; there is no bridge or roadmap to the other side. Even time loses meaning. All that is left is to surrender. The mind attempts to recreate certainty, to soothe the pain with logic, but it is never victorious for long. When you hit up against loss, you are exposed and powerless.
Too many days living in the eye of the storm has changed me. Those things that defined me have been stripped away. Life has taken on a new rhythm; it is the dance of the unknown and I lie watchful and surrendered. I do not seek grace, reason, or knowing. The healing has only begun and I want the lessons learned to reveal themselves in their own time. I can only live in this moment, this place of quiet and simplicity.
Those things that have brought security and safety are now simply reminders that life is change and comfort fleeting in times such as these. I look out my window and see sailboats on peaceful water. I see the bright spring sun light up the day in a kaleidoscope of colors; a lone hummingbird pivots by on its search for nectar.
What is real is that we occupy a world filled with beauty and ugliness, dreams and nightmares, light and shadow; and it is how we experience, interpret, and grow from our daily life revelations that determines our mastery of life.
I am too tender to know for sure what my lessons are right now. I know I have walked through a fire that has rendered me incapable of living as I once did. My mastery for now is to love myself with tenderness as I would a small child. It is to accept those places within me that I have turned away from over the years, having found lacking in some way. It is to find joy in my accomplishments, even if they are small, far, and few between. It is to find generosity, humor, and acceptance with what is left and what will be.
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