I am alone. We are all alone. I fear loneliness as though it were a cold, wet army blanket wrapped tighltly around me. I do not like being alone. I want to accept being alone, to "lean" into it. Stop resisting, even though I am not really here to feel it. I fear pain and loneliness so much that I turn to negative thoughts just to numb it. What really is "IT?" A feeling. Feelings can’t harm me. They don’t have power to make my bed or clean my clothes. I soak the army blanket in water that is fear. I am afraid. With pain comes a heaviness I don’t want to wear…I want a down vest from LLBean that is a bright color and fitted. I want more things than I don’t want. So, that is positive, right? I have had more blessings than most in this world. I have a son. I have a family. I had many dogs. I have had cancer. I feel I should have had an "Ah-ha" moment somewhere between 0 and 41. A moment where I found balance in my life. If I wasn’t fat, I was in competitive athletic shape but worked out so much there was no time to have a relationship. If I was fat, then I was too depressed to go out and find a relationship. When I think I am ugly… then fast forward 3 years and look at photos of the past, I think, "You missed it! You were beautiful and you thought you were ugly!" I am trying to find my space. My place. My purpose. My 18 year old son loves and hates me at the same time. I live with my mom and step-dad because I had to declare bankruptcy after cancer. I am 41. Breast cancer took my front and my back stepped in to fill the void. Touch my back and you are making a pass at me. You would never know I had a double mastectomy at 36. Now I am considered old in the breast cancer arena. I got through everything. I always get through everything. But after I am "through" everything, I return back to me. ME. I don’t know if I lost ME or never found ME to lose. I feel off course. Not even a ship in the sea. More like a figure on the sand looking at the sea. I have decided to write a little ditty (love that word) every day. I have time. I was just laid off from my job because I said I was unhappy. Honesty does not always pay well in the workplace. I do not feel sorry for myself…I got myself into a lot of this mess. I am lucky to be here. I will commit to a thought a day. Today’s thought: Be the sand, the moon, the water. All three. No need to sail the ship…just be. Sweet Dreams World… Take Joy!