Late Teen Rebellion

By Deepak Chopra on July 29, 2010 in Relationships

Question:

I have been a stay at home mother for the last 23 years. I love my kids with a passion and want everything for them: health, happiness, love, success. Out of the 3, I have one child who is very rebellious and has acted out in ways the other 2 have not. He is an older teenager- he experiments with drugs, is arrogant , self centered and immature. When he is around us, he causes strife because he breaks rules of the household. My husband is apathetic and is tired of raising a rebellious kid. I feel guilty, but I am very anxious when he is home from college. He tells me I am a mean spirited person who doesn’t take him as he is. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and feel terrible about our relationship. Everyone tells me to "let go" but to me letting go means I don’t care anymore. Please advise.

Answer:

Given that he is now a college student and only returns home for visits, he is past the age of being raising in your house. That is the thing you have to let go of—the expectation that you are going to be able to have a significant influence on his behavior at his age. He is a young adult now, and his life lessons will now come to him directly, not through his parents. Coming to terms with this does not mean you do not care anymore. You will always love and care for him as your child, but now you must do it with the full recognition of your more limited role in how he lives his life.

As regards to him telling you that you are mean-spirited person, you still get to set ground rules for discussions in your house while he is there, and you can tell him that everything he is thinking and feeling can be expressed in a non-hurtful way by using the principles of nonviolent communication. I recommend the book of the same title by Marshal Rosenberg. In the meantime, try not to take his comments personally. Remember that he is still young, not very wise or experienced about life and his is likely making extreme and exaggerated statements as a way of expressing his confused feelings and as a way to elicit a response he can emotionally react to.

Love,

Deepak

For more information go to deepakchopra.com

Follow Deepak on Twitter

About Deepak Chopra

Time Magazine heralded Deepak Chopra as one of the 100 heroes and icons of the century, and credited him as "the poet-prophet of alternative medicine." Entertainment Weekly described Deepak Chopra as "Hollywood's man of the moment, one of publishing's best-selling and most prolific self-help authors." He is the author of more than 50 books and more than 100 audio, video and CD-Rom titles. He has been published on every continent and in dozens of languages. Fifteen of his books have landed on the New York Times Best-seller list. Toastmaster International recognized him as one of the top five outstanding speakers in the world. Through his over two decades of work since leaving his medical practice, Deepak continues to revolutionize common wisdom about the crucial connection between body, mind, spirit, and healing. His mission of "bridging the technological miracles of the west with the wisdom of the east" remains his thrust and provides the basis for his recognition as one of India's historically greatest ambassadors to the west. Chopra has been a keynote speaker at several academic institutions including Harvard Medical School, Harvard Business School, Harvard Divinity School, Kellogg School of Management, Stanford Business School and Wharton.His latest book is "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul."

View all posts by Deepak Chopra →

Subscribe to our e-mail newsletter to receive updates.