Looking For Direction In Signs

I started the new position, it was challenging but I kept telling myself to work through – don’t give up.  The company sent me over to The Netherlands on a business trip; I was on top of the world until it all began crashing down on me.  I was exhausted from work and felt everything good about me being depleted.  I was going through the motions of trying to learn my new job alone. My superiors were not very good teachers – I felt thrown to the wolves, so to speak.  I also had to travel with an awful person – mean spirited, condescending – someone who liked making people feel inadequate (which he never held back from doing to me).  So one day I’m sitting in my office thinking about how I dislike my job and my ex-director contacts me.  As I’m speaking to him – all numbers around me had a 34 in them.  He goes on to tell me that the Sr VP at the old company wants me back and is willing to give me more responsibility and match my increase in salary that the travel comp
 any paid to hire me.  I was shocked but also very confused.  I went home that night and just cried – asking for some kind of sign.  I needed to know if leaving would be giving up and going back to comfort – i.e. giving up on a chance for personal growth.  The next day I went to my current VP, I needed to talk to him about everything dealing with the job, my unhappiness, and the mean co-worker.  He said “give it more time” and asked me to go have drinks with him to blow off some steam. I was so torn; I didn’t want to give up on this job but I also found it odd that he asked me to “blow off steam with drinking.”  It wasn’t how I wanted to deal with the issue.  I also mentioned to him how I felt my life was spiraling out of control with this job, like I was going to wake-up 5 or 10 years later – a workaholic, with a heart condition, a drinking problem and nothing close to true happiness in my life.  As I explained myself, I realized that he couldn’t grasp what
  I was saying – he was all of those things mentioned above.

The very next day, my ex-director called me again with a written offer to return to my old job.  I would get a new title, better salary, an office, more responsibility, etc.  That day I walked into my current VP’s office and resigned.  They let me leave that very day so I took a week off before going back to the previous company.  During that week off, I spent a lot of time thinking – I didn’t want to admit that I slightly regretted my decision.  I felt like a failure – going back to something I was familiar with.  I then watched a movie – “The Pursuit of Happyness” – there is a scene where a door closes – the number on the door read 34.  I wondered then, if that is what my number meant.  The 2nd weekend after I left the travel company, the VP had a heart-attack and was put in the hospital for 3 weeks.  The company let him go after he returned to his job – stating, Position Elimination.  A few others in the department lost their jobs as well and then the econo
 my took a really bad turn.

I tell you all of this history because synchronicities and the number 34 have appeared in my life again.  After going back to the old company, I felt like I was headed in the same direction, dead-end job, etc. I was thinking I wanted to make a move out west, something I had always wanted to do, but never had the confidence to do.  I started looking for jobs in Colorado, searching apartments, etc.  I heard back from one of the companies I sent my resume to and was going to set-up a time to go interview for the job.  The very next weekend I met the man of my dreams (I’ll call him Tom) – September 20, 2008.  I walked into a place where I was meeting a friend and BOOM.  The sight of him and his energy hit me like a bolt of lightening –we spent just about everyday after that together.  I moved-in with him – I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him.  I fell so deeply in love with him and it wasn’t until just recently that things began to appear off with our relationship.  I fell in love with Tom so fast that I started to lose myself with him.  I found that he had a little bit of a controlling side and heavy expectations for me – he didn’t love the free-spirit in me – he thought it was too reckless and too free for his safe, very practical life.  I felt like he wanted certain pieces of me…sort-of like  parts of me a la Carte – but wasn’t willing to take the parts of me that needed work.  Also – during our relationship I thought an awful lot about my ex (Ed) and at times, I would see his name appear in weird places, bill-boards, radio LCD screens, etc.  Another oddity is that I would always see Colorado license plate tags.  Tom and I rented a car in NYC and the license plate was Colorado!  I found that to be weird and seeing it distracted me from the relationship.  I wondered if I would make it out West after-all.  My head was so full of distractions and thoughts that I decided I needed to end the relationship – as I was making my preparation
 s for moving-out and breaking-up, I started to see 34 everywhere.  That number drives me to make decisions, it seems like.  When I went in to break-up with Tom I felt like something was talking for me.  The words just flowed from me.  I almost didn’t want them to because I was scared to lose him – but I had no choice, it felt like.  Two days later I heard from my ex-boyfriend’s mom and then my ex-boyfriend who asked if I could meet him at the park.   Seeing Ed was great, he was a sight for sore eyes and it was a nice escape for what I was going through.  Every time I heard from him, the time was 3:40 or 11:34 or 3:34.  It’s that number over and over.  Last night Rob came over – we went to the store to get something to eat – I look down at a box of crackers and the brand name is 34.  What can this number mean?  I’m afraid that it might mean don’t go back to the past…or maybe it’s a sign that I’m on the right path.  I’m hurting pretty bad over losing  Tom  – now I miss him and can’t think of anything frustrating that he ever did.  I just think of the good.  I’m wondering if the 34 was a sign that I needed to stay on course with him…hence – not go back to old ways like I did with the job.  Any help or guidance would be so helpful to me.  I can’t find the meaning of this number but I know it has a huge significance on my life.  As you can read, I’ve been struggling for some time now.