It has both bothered and perplexed me to see my husband, who I think is the most loving and gentle man on earth, publicly get righteous with the security person at the airport who refuses to let him on with his carry-on bag because they “changed their carry-on dimensions.” Or get pissed off at the computer store sales clerk who decides he forgot to mention a $75 charge for removing a hard drive. There have not been many of these incidents, but enough to rattle my world and wonder how the same man who loves and cares for me so tenderly can have such a “beef” 
with other people.
How do I handle and is it okay when he gets mad at people who he believes are incompetent or liars?
Right now I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book “Committed” – her follow-up to her ever-popular “Eat, Pray, Love.” “Committed” is about Elizabeth’s journey through her questions about marriage, peppered with historical, cultural and philosophical perspectives on marriage from around the world.
To be honest, I wasn’t that taken with the book until about two-thirds the way through where she caught me with an AHA moment.
In reference to her soon-to-be husband, Elizabeth says, “Felipe has the bad habit of sometimes snapping impatiently at people he feels are either behaving poorly or interfering somehow with the quality of his life. This happens rarely, but I wish would happen never.”
I have 
been married now for eight months and while everything about marriage is actually way better than I ever imagined, this one area of my husband getting angry at outside people has not settled with me completely.
But why?
In Elizabeth’s case, she explains that whenever she sees Felipe “fly off the handle” in public it messes around with her cherished personal narrative about what a gentle and tender-hearted guy she has chosen to love. And it is this messing around that, as she puts it: “frankly, pisses me off more than anything else.”
In my case, I think there is definitely an element of that and also frankly, a fear of my own anger. Let’s face it … if a woman vents her anger in public, she is usually classified as “crazy” or “a bitch.” I don’t really want to be called either of those things, and I would fancy a guess that there are a good number of other women who feel the same way.
As a result, women generally tend to vent less than men in public, and internalize the anger instead.
“While he [Felipe] expresses zero tolerance towards idiots and incompetence, I think that behind every incompetent idiot there lies a really sweet person having a bad day,” says Elizabeth.
I would say that this is also an element to my equation. Researchers have shown that females have a brain that is more oriented toward interconnectedness, global thinking, and as a result, more compassion. But I wonder, does this compassionate view sometimes keep us from speaking up for ourselves?
In a conversation on this topic, my husband wondered if women also forgo the rightness or wrongness of a situation (the morality, let’s say) because they don’t want to take the heat of looking bad. “A woman might want to save face instead of admitting that someone else did something wrong,” he says.
If someone does something “wrong” to him like try to overcharge him, he’ll write the CEO of the company. He doesn’t care about being nice. In other words, he’s not worried about the CEO being upset with him.
Maybe we can learn from each other, my husband and I.
Maybe he could gain some compassion for those he is considering “idiots” and let go of some self-inflicted stress. And maybe I could gain some chutzpah and let go of the fear of speaking up for myself.
(Actually, I am learning already because I recently wrote my first CEO letter to a company that had crossed some professional boundaries, and … IT WORKED!)
When it comes to anger, I’m learning there is a difference between losing it and using it.
What do you think?
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Tabby Biddle, M.S. Ed. is a writer and editor specializing in health and wellness, women’s issues, social change, personal growth and empowerment. Her work has been featured by The Huffington Post, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times, LonelyPlanet.tv and other popular media sites. She lives in Santa Monica, CA with her husband.
Headline photo: Flickr / paolotarantini
I vent my anger in public quite frequently.
Given your previous posts, I was certain I'd disagree with your premises, as they belie a great deal; if you're socialized to be a good girl and have a script, then all this good girl stuff makes sense,
Otherwise, it's really way too stereotypical for my tastes, as many of your entries frequently are. And like my single working mother who had to fight tooth and nail for everything as opposed to having it handed to her, I have no problem with calling anyone to task in public.
My challenges are quite different. I have to refrain from taking to task the incompetent and holier than thous, you know, the ones who are afraid to get dirty with real life.
I am not worried about being nice.
Doesn't bother me at all.
And I take it you missed out on Gloria Steinem and a few others on your journey.
I definitely agree! It's how you use your anger that is important. I know this is something I'm personally working on- standing up for myself more and learning to speak my mind in a way that is calm and conducive to solving the problem.
Thank you for being an active member of our community & sharing your thoughts!
Best,
Marissa
ummmm, it's cool that you're sharing an alternative view point and you don't agree with the blogger, but turning it into a snarky personal attack at the end kind of undermines everything that you're saying. FOOD FER THOUGHT ^______________^
Much like your David Letterman, "let's blame the other woman" post which was one of the most galling things I've ever read, this one irks me the longer I think about it.
At the risk (oh the shame) of being truly obnoxious …. what planet do you live on that allows you to either think yourself or be so completely passive that you can come up with an analysis like this?
Political responsibility?
Personal responsibility?
Good lord, the well behaved femme fatale is alive and kicking, still.
Meanwhile, women the world over are having to defend themselves against the worst violence imaginable, and getting angry to save their lives. And your worried about the luggage.
Be angry. Be public.
Fight. For them and for yourself.
See, impatient snapping isn't the domain of men.
Point proved.
I agree totally with kafka m, I think it's healthy & great to disagree but the way you're going about this- essentially attacking the writer- is very off-putting and missing the point of the community.
Word_Bandit,
How you remind me of myself back in the early 1970s. I was living in Washington DC, a hot bed for feminists then, especially Roe v Wade. Some of us old timers still can get up on a high horse when in conflict with women's 77 cents on the man's dollar for the same work.
All of us are involved in some capacity in helping women in other countries as well.
Now, at 60 y/o, we know the best women can do for each other is be supportive, regardless of our own thoughts and choices. We are encouraging each woman to rise up and stand on the legacy each generation is leaving. With accepting each other as we are, there is no stop to the world we can build.
Love,
Jules
PS
I can't remember the last time I felt angry. My power is authentic, quiet, and not reactionary. (It's amazing how threatening some people become when I don't respond!)
There's not a soul on earth happier than I am…. who knew?
Love,
Jules
Hi Again,
In the negotiations I've been involved, men and women express themselves very differently. As a global community, to have a consistant balance is key.
Snapping at someone is always verbally abusive ~ I've been working in this field for more than 20 years. Snapping is NEVER acceptable. (I am not including physical attacks.) Snapping destroys trust and damages the sense of safety. Even watching another snap at someone can be harmful. If a person is snapping, s/he has lost a sense of well being. Compassion in our daily lives for ourselves will turn outward to others.
We all have wounds that need healing. The healing journey is of one only and it takes great emotional courage.
Love,
Jules