I believe the Chinese call it seven years of darkness. The time period in someone’s life where it is one challenge after the next or one long challenge, could be seven years or decades. I am beginning to emerge from seven years of darkness where life was particularly unkind. However, as I reflect back, life was trying to teach me some very important lessons.
I refer to that time in my life as dragon slaying. I call it that because no matter what I did to try to eliminate the circumstance externally with my own power (i.e. end a friendship or move residences) the ‘lesson’ or ‘dragon’ would appear again, in another person or place. There was no escape. Somewhere in the last two years I realized I couldn’t run, hide or dismiss, it was slay or be slayed. This had to be the final round or resign to a life unlivable. So with 5% of energy left, I went for it. I finally slayed this 20 year old dragon.
What does this have to do with loss? My particular dragon involved alot of loss. I lost alot of relationships. I lost myself. I lost time, family and I lost parts of my precious childhood. Now here I sit, the dragon’s body laying deflated behind me, exausted and going through the motions. denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance. And its a jagged little pill. I didn’t feel victorious, I was hard on myself. I took 20 years to slay a personal dragon, when I could be doing other things. I needed to accept the loss that came with the presence of this dragon. The realization that I had the power all along to rid my life of it.
The dragons name was fear. It was inside me. What a loss. What a harsh reality, the night had been unkind. But it was my reality none the less.
I struggled in my recovery to focus on understanding the wisdom gained. The reality of who I was. Becoming someone new. Accepting the loss as a vital piece of the puzzle. I gained alot of wisdom. I learned to love its taste. I can now embrace life fearlessly because I know the sweet taste of wisdom. Patience, attitude, intuition, self love, faith, and embracing the darkness, transcendance to name a few….
The best piece of advice ever received was, though the night may be unkind, do not let it push you around. It pushes you around with self pity, judgment, guilt shame, blame, anger, denial and whole host of other viruses to try to take you out. At one point it had me spinning. Once I stood up to it, it was an instant snowball effect. I would rise again almost effortlessly. Even though I thought I had nothing left. Once the dragon was gone, I plugged up a huge whole that leaked out my spirit by the gallons every moment of every day. Fear is loss. Loss of life in every shape and form. I now know the meaning of fear nothing except fear itself. I know fear therefore I know loss.
At last though, the new me is ready to live and love again but mostly it is asking for permission to enjoy life. I owe it to myself. Loss and fear took its toll on my spirit, but it is tired of grieving. Its asking me to let it live again. It is its true nature to rise again and defy the darkness adn the loss. I am proud of surviving but now I want to live.
Its beginning to happen, slowly but surely my spirit is blossoming again, lightening up. What I am I doing? I am simply staying out of its way:)
What is the name of your dragon? wisdom gained? How did you rise again after loss?
Loss is part of life. I now know loss and it is unkind..but it will no longer push me around.
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