I am lost. All this constant contemplating the meaning of life, asking the “great” questions has made me numb. I yearn for the ignorance of just living without knowing that it’s all an illusion. It’s days like this I wish I hadn’t unplugged from the matrix and that shopping would fix it all. I want to blame someone else, for a change, but ultimately I know deep inside it’s all me.
How do I find balance when I feel that nothing is in balance? Lately, when I grab ahold of something it seems to evaporate into the abyss – because every time I think I know I am not so politely reminded that I don’t know anything.
It seems at this moment I am neither happy with knowing nor happy with not knowing. I’ve spent the better part of a year in this rabbit hole, twisting and turning through dark corridors, popping my head out into the light every now and then. But basically I have been lost in the quagmire of the question “what does all this mean?”
Especially when the answer seems to be it means nothing and everything. What do I do with that? There is nothing definitive in that. I like definitive. Sometime I prefer the black and white of materialism. It’s so much easier to have the apple in hand.
I’m tired, I feel like I’m covered in dirt and muck and so thirsty for the answer.
Sadly, I don’t seem to be willing to drink from the goblet of truth, that great work requires a level of commitment I don’t think I’m up for right now. I’m tired. I’m tired of this journey, I’m tired of feeling like I take two steps forward and get shoved way back again. I’ve fallen so far down the rabbit hole of contemplation I think my head is going to explode. Nothing is what it seems to be. How can one find the ground when there is no ground? Balance – Ha! It doesn’t exist in a world where one cannot be who they are – really.
What do you do when you have actually you’ve thrown out all of what you were? When you’ve shed the masks of your past. That’s a lie isn’t it? Can one really throw out the masks? I mean sure – we can see them, we can watch from a distance as we don the mask of the hour. But really, can one exist in this world without a mask? I say I’ve dropped the mask of knowing – yet all I talk about is knowing. I say I’ve dropped the mask of fear, yet everyday I live in it. I face it, the ugliness of the reality I have created. The separateness, the disconnection to self and to selves? I feel moments of connection and then I become addicted to it, I crave it and hunt it. But I must not be a very good hunter, because the more I crave it, the more it alludes me.
“Just be” you say. How can I be if I can’t find a place to be that feels safe? Truly safe.
There are moments of sheer bliss. You know what I mean. I want to be lost in those moments forever. But then what would I do? My daughter says she wants to live in Disneyland and I say- but then Disneyland wouldn’t be special. I guess I could say the same for life. If there wasn’t this polarity, these seemingly disparate parts of life filled with joy and pain – how would we know either?
Is the trick finding balance in an unbalanced reality? Is the answer accepting who you are in this moment and changing if the person you are being isn’t who you want to be? And then being ok with change? I honestly don’t know. I guess that’s the real answer. It’s ok not to know. Really it’s ok.