Betsy Chasse: Lost in The Rabbit Hole

I am lost. All this constant contemplating the meaning of life, asking the “great” questions has made me numb.  I yearn for the ignorance of just living without knowing that it’s all an illusion.  It’s days like this I wish I hadn’t unplugged from the matrix and that shopping would fix it all. I want to blame someone else, for a change, but ultimately I know deep inside it’s all me.

How do I find balance when I feel that nothing is in balance? Lately, when I grab ahold of something it seems to evaporate into the abyss – because every time I think I know I am not so politely reminded that I don’t know anything.

It seems at this moment I am neither happy with knowing nor happy with not knowing. I’ve spent the better part of a year in this rabbit hole, twisting and turning through dark corridors, popping my head out into the light every now and then. But basically I have been lost in the quagmire of the question “what does all this mean?”

Especially when the answer seems to be it means nothing and everything. What do I do with that?  There is nothing definitive in that. I like definitive. Sometime I prefer the black and white of materialism. It’s so much easier to have the apple in hand.

I’m tired, I feel like I’m covered in dirt and muck and so thirsty for the answer.

Sadly, I don’t seem to be willing to drink from the goblet of truth, that great work requires a level of commitment I don’t think I’m up for right now. I’m tired. I’m tired of this journey, I’m tired of feeling like I take two steps forward and get shoved way back again.  I’ve fallen so far down the rabbit hole of contemplation I think my head is going to explode. Nothing is what it seems to be. How can one find the ground when there is no ground? Balance – Ha! It doesn’t exist in a world where one cannot be who they are – really.

What do you do when you have actually you’ve thrown out all of what you were? When you’ve shed the masks of your past. That’s a lie isn’t it? Can one really throw out the masks? I mean sure – we can see them, we can watch from a distance as we don the mask of the hour. But really, can one exist in this world without a mask? I say I’ve dropped the mask of knowing – yet all I talk about is knowing. I say I’ve dropped the mask of fear, yet everyday I live in it. I face it, the ugliness of the reality I have created. The separateness, the disconnection to self and to selves? I feel moments of connection and then I become addicted to it, I crave it and hunt it. But I must not be a very good hunter, because the more I crave it, the more it alludes me.

“Just be” you say. How can I be if I can’t find a place to be that feels safe? Truly safe.

There are moments of sheer bliss. You know what I mean. I want to be lost in those moments forever. But then what would I do? My daughter says she wants to live in Disneyland and I say- but then Disneyland wouldn’t be special. I guess I could say the same for life. If there wasn’t this polarity, these seemingly disparate parts of life filled with joy and pain – how would we know either?

Is the trick finding balance in an unbalanced reality?  Is the answer accepting who you are in this moment and changing if the person you are being isn’t who you want to be? And then being ok with change? I honestly don’t know. I guess that’s the real answer. It’s ok not to know. Really it’s ok.

 

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Betsy Chasse

About Betsy Chasse

Betsy Chasse is a filmmaker, author, speaker, and mother best known as the co-creator behind the film What the Bleep Do We Know?! Chasse is a featured blogger on IntentBlog.com. Huffington Post and Modern Mom. She has been a featured columnist for multiple magazines and online sites most-recently Select magazine, Common Ground, and Yahoo! Shine. She has written three books, most recently Tipping Sacred Cows. Find out more about her at www.betsychasse.net

Comments

  1. cheyl says:

    This is so how I feel lately. it describes my life to a "T". The best I can describe it as " the knowing of not knowing " . The waiting to find the answer that never is the truth of the being;the mask of reality. The blessing of being able to ask the questions escapes me on days like this.

  2. rose shah'traa says:

    dear betsy, why is not a question. When we have expectation at every turn regarding results and outcome, the resistance is so great to what actually is, in itself and all around, that it is painful for the mind, body and spirit. prolonged exposure to questioning purpose or reason usually results in a state of distress that likely can produce illness. please take care of you as much as you can . – peace – rose

  3. Chrys says:

    Although it is important to me to understand myself , I have been gifted with the suggestion that it is not important to spirit or creator for me to understand, only to be motivated by love, and this has made life much easier to navigate. Let go, and like the current in a river, spirit will carry you.

  4. Love love love love this post!!!!!!!!! Thank you. I wrote something similar today on my blog. My house burned down 3 1/2 months ago in a forest fire in Colorado. I have always been a questioner, now even more so. I rant and rail and have moments of clarity only to suddenly crave that next cup of coffee. I loved your message from the first time I heard it. Keep it up. And, I would love to connect.

    Your fellow CTR Host, Kristen Moeller

  5. Betsy says:

    Thank you for your comments- I really do need to get out of my head and back into my heart. It's just been a scary place lately and my head felt safer. After I wrote this I went to sleep and dreamt of empty space. At first I was scared – funny thing I felt first my son and then my daughter snuggle in bed with me. Their warm little legs and arms wrapped around me and suddenly I felt full of light and love. I remembered to see the love I have all around me. But I just needed to get this out of me.

  6. Inspiring Quotes says:

    The never ending unraveling of the mystery of life. Maybe the answer is just: keep looking for the answer :)

  7. Julia Rueger says:

    I know exactly how you feel….I decided to take a break this summer and NOT read any more books ….unless they are some meaningless murder mystery or a good cookbook! My head is spinning with all the different theories/ideas~~ Since I don't like being any more dizzy than neccessary…I stopped all the learning for a change…just let my mind and heart absorb all that I've been studying these past few years~~WHEW~~ thanks for sharing…. Julia Rueger

  8. Ariela says:

    I think this is the most beautiful and accurate post I've read today. I feel the same way at the very bottom of the rabbit hole

  9. Elysia says:

    I totally get this.. The following quote kind of helps me out when I feel like I'm trying to figure out what the definable "answer" or "truth" is:
    “The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” – Stanley Kubrick

  10. Abraham says:

    We long for freedom, but we do not know what we will commit ourselves to, once we have gained our liberation. Maybe we long for the mere ocquairance of free will, the mere ability to chose, but think nothing of chosing or what we wish to chose. We only want to have a choice but sometimes even in that we do not wish to chose and become bound in choice making.

    And so Life remains unknown.

  11. Elysia says:

    I totally get this.. The following quote kind of helps me out when I feel like I'm trying to figure out what the definable "answer" or "truth" is:
    I totally get this.. The following quote kind of helps me out when I feel like I'm trying to figure out what the definable "answer" or "truth" is: “The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” – Stanley Kubrick

  12. Dani says:

    Betsy, you have put into words what I have had swirling around in my head for a long time. Thank you. I try to remember to think "love is everything", but get caught up in the daily drag. Like your daughter, I would like to live at Disneyland, especially in Minnie's house, and I'm 71 years old. Dani

  13. Sonya says:

    Betsy, thanks for this blog…when I was 6 years old, every day when walking home from school, my cousins and I used to play with a neighbor's dog. One day we walked over and he was laying in the backyard dead – someone poisoned him. The first thing I said was where did he go? My cousins said "he's right there" but I couldn't explain how he wasn't there. I remember not being able to stop thinking about why someone could do that to a dog. Since then I've been trying to understand the human condition, but lately, it's easier to just take one moment at a time and remember even in it's indifference, life is beautiful.

  14. Cindy says:

    The timeless and universal existential crisis. Could it be ignorance really is bliss?