(Since I’m a woman I’ll be using a lot of he’s – but you can and should insert she when appropriate because it works both ways.)
Ahh love… so magical, so thrilling, that feeling of butterflies when he calls. The effervescent glow you carry around when you’re in Love, Just thinking about them sets you all aflutter. Then the stories start (at least in your head) This is the one! He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed about! Heck, most of us women are married with kids after the third date – even if it is only in our heads. And that my sweet love stricken cherub is where it’s time to pull the arrow out of your derrier and get real. To often (and especially when it comes to love) we confuse our dreams with reality and we forget, that just like buying life insurance, when falling in love, there is research to do.in
Why do we do that? Jump head first into love without really doing our homework. A while back I wrote a blog about it. (http://intentblog.com/love-blame-it-on-the-brain/) – essentially we can blame everything on our brain body chemistry. And if you want you can leave it at that and happily dive into those alluring waters hoping they won’t turn into a giant whirlpool and suck you into the pit of despair. Endlessly playing a game of Russian Roulette with your heart.
Or you can step outside of your bubble of bliss for a few minutes and get practical. I know, how unsexy, how un-romantic! But the truth is most of us spend more time researching our car insurance then we do learning about the person we’re spending a significant amount of time with. How often do you take your doctors word for it? You know you go home and scour the internet reading everything you can. But do you do that with the person you’re in love with?
As I delve back into the world of dating I started poking around to see what kind of advice I could find to help me find the right mate. Because clearly I need help.
I met a woman at an event who wrote the book –– Every Single Girls Guide To Her Future Husbands Divorce A catchy title designed for the modern Cosmopolitan (materialistic) woman –certainly not for someone like me, very spiritually aware, in touch with my feminine, in tune with the universe and allowing for it to provide me what I truly desire…you know what I mean. I want to read books about attracting my soul mate, and making my man feel like a king to my queen, how to be a goddess. (Not that those books are bad- they are important too!) I also wasn’t looking to get married, but I did notice that a lot of the men I had been dating have been married at least once and therefore been divorced at least once. I was in unchartered waters for sure – no matter how inviting they seemed, so it couldn’t hurt to check it out.
At first, as I read this book, I was shocked. Ugh! How utterly un-dreamy, how utterly devoid of conscious awareness, the person who needs this book is so completely out of touch with who they are, they can’t even attract the right kind of man! I would never do anything in this book. You’d have to have serious trust issues to do this stuff! I mean ask a man for his financial records? Ask a man to show you his divorce papers! And if you’re really serious, meet his ex wife? Seriously!
And then as I read further it dawned on me. I am exactly that person, and I was each time I got married and if I had pulled my head from the soft, warm clouds of love for one minute and followed her advice, I probably still be married and to the right person.
I mean maybe I’m just talking to myself here, but with the stats on divorce and the speed in which my single friends seem to go through engagements and boyfriends- the truth is there is something to this idea of taking a moment an examining your love like a business deal.
Why wouldn’t I?
Because I was afraid. Because as I began each failed relationship, these are questions I knew I should be asking, and deep inside I was afraid that if I was honest with someone and asked them these questions they wouldn’t like me, let alone love me. I just went along doing the love part, the oooey gooey warm and fuzzy side of love, because that was safe and easy (and fun and sexy!) Hoping that was enough and convincing myself that nothing else really mattered.
I have spoken to many relationship experts over the last couple of years and they all say the same thing. Love is great, Love is grand, but if you want to truly be in love, fully and completely you have to be willing to put it all out on the table, you have to be willing to open up your heart and expose yourself fully, even if it means exposing your credit score. We can all say it doesn’t matter, and on some level it doesn’t. Love is love, right? I mean, in my position it doesn’t matter whether their score is 300 or 700, but there is a lot one can learn about someone just by understanding how they take care of themselves, what their thoughts are on money – since money is often the leading cause of a break up. There is a lot you can learn by understanding why they got divorced and their relationship with their ex wife and their kids. And these things do matter. Because at some point, the fireworks will fade and life will settle in and then that’s when the true love shows up and you should probably know who that person is before you start registering for silver ware.