Everyone knows that even roses, some of the most exquisite flowers in the world, grow with thorns and find themselves in manure periodically. But when it comes to relationships, we expect nothing less than absolute perfection from our mates. Unrealistic expectations create a difficult terrain for budding relationships. Nearly all of the couples I know who have survived and thrived for more than 30 years together will confess that life brings challenges. With the challenges come tests that forge deeper bonds.
What kind of glue keeps them together?
Build respect and self-love. Developing love and respect for one’s self contributes to building a healthy relationship with a partner. Sometimes we’re blessed with partners who have an abundance of Self-confidence and can help us to cultivate this quality within ourselves. At other times we need to look inside to find the qualities we love about ourselves. A good partner will help us to find our best qualities and build our self-esteem.
Make a best friend and coach of your mate. Respected relationship therapist, Rick Brown, suggests that our mates may be the only people who will be honest with us when we have muck on our faces. While others might ignore it or walk away, our partners will say, “honey, clean your face.” Our partner is usually the one who knows us better than anyone else and if we listen to their feedback, he or she can help us become better people.
Listen and affirm. One of the biggest issues in relationships is a lack of effective communication. While most couples communicate all the time through slamming doors, yelling, criticizing and complaining, this kind of communication is destructive. Good communication means really listening to a partner in the same way we might listen to a dear friend. With a friend we seek to understand. We will sit and listen patiently and often repeat back some of the things they’ve said to let them know we’ve heard and understood. “I feel like you don’t pay attention,” a mate may say. Repeating, “I understand that you don’t feel like I pay attention,” may be a good way to connect and move into deeper understanding. But this must be done with sincerity and heart.
Be attentive, not defensive. It’s easy to fall into the blame game where both parties start to blame the other for how they’re acting. Make a concerted effort to step out of this, take responsibility for actions and move into a softer more receptive space rather than onto defensive terrain where the language can sometime turn brutal. By stepping back just a little and taking the ego out of play, the barrier to real connection falls away and a door to a sincere, heartfelt connection opens.
Make the first move to improve. If you’re willing to make a change for the better, but your mate isn’t on board, then don’t be deterred. Go ahead and follow your agenda. Listen and affirm. Be attentive; stop criticizing and hold good intentions and thoughts about your mate and your partnership. By simply making changes in yourself and your actions and attitudes, the world around will change too.
While the path may not be strewn with flowers, holding a positive, helpful attitude will set you on the right journey. Some 50% of marriages end in divorce and about 63% of second marriages suffer the same fate. The issues that remain unresolved in the first marriage will come back again and again until they’re resolved and worked out within us. Make the best effort to work through the challenges and enjoy the sweetness of the flowers along the way.
Bio: Debra Moffitt-Leslie
Debra Moffitt-Leslie’s book,"108 Spiritual Practices for Challenging Times" will be published by Llewellyn Worldwide in 2011. Her essays and articles appear in publications around the world and focus on drawing attention to the spiritual in a mostly material-minded world. She’s on the faculty for The Sophia Institute and gives workshops in the U.S.and Europe. Her fiction was broadcast by BBC World Services and published in numerous literary magazines. Read more at www.debramoffitt.com
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