Dealing with an eating disorder, isn’t so very different than an alcoholic dealing with alcohol…but in some ways it’s much more insidious, as food is everywhere and sometimes an enemy that can’t be eliminated, only hopefully tamed.
I injured my back in Jan, ’07. I had a disc replacement surgery in May, ’08. It is now October, ’09, and I am heavier than I have ever been in my entire life. It makes me miserable. Food is sometimes not only my best friend, but my only friend. It is where I seek solace, and nurturing. Not nutrition, nurturing. Then I reach out for too much of the nurturing, and my best friend becomes my worst enemy.
It is in the very essence of the definition, a ‘love-hate’ relationship. It makes me sad, because I thought I had tamed this beast years ago. I have not. Yet again, I am using food to control my need for emotions. Food is what it is, emotions are precarious at the very least, and a car with no brakes at the worst. Sometimes emotions aren’t easily controlled, they disguise themselves as something they are not, and can betray you. The only betrayal accompanying food is too much of it in your body~and when you are looking for something resembling an ability to control an out of control life, food can be the saviour/demon that can fix that need.
Before January of ’07, I had lost a massive (for me) amount of weight. I felt better than I’d ever felt in my life, and my self-esteem was on the mend. I did it sensibly and responsibly~and it was only the second time in my life I’d ever taken that route to lose the excess weight. Yes, I’ve battled weight all my life.
I used to be fond of saying I "binge and purge my way through life". People never realized all the different truths that resided in that one statement. I was bulimic. To satisfy mental/emotional/physical cravings I would binge, and then purge.
I wanted to make myself as miserable as I possibly could, then change the feelings at a whim. I grew to hate the full feeling of eating even a sensible meal. I could not wait to get to the bathroom, or outside, to make myself throw up the offending lump sitting in my stomach. I didn’t realize it at the time, but a portion of the offending lump never went away. I could not throw it up. It was that feeling of fear, dread, and hatred, and there was nothing I could do to get rid of it.
Since everything happened in ’07, with the injury, the surgery, and continuing issues, and NOW also a torn miniscus in my right knee, I have gained a grand total of 70 pounds. I cannot scream loudly enough how badly I hate myself and my body at this moment. I am in misery, and I try very hard with conventional methods to fix things…but they haven’t worked.
So now, I hear the wolves howling at my door. They taunt me in the dark, reminding me of the ways I tamed the beasts in the past. It scares the hell out of me, that these thoughts are running wild through my mind again.
Robin,
My friend. First, thank you for sharing. Second, it is so easy to go back to old habits that give you a sense of control and punish yourself at the same time. Don't do it. Remind yourself of your accomplishment of loosing the weight the first time and that you are worth the self respect of not harming yourself.
I am here for you. MaryTGPA@Verizon.net
Mary
Robin,
I hear so very much in your blog — so very, very much. I would welcome an opportunity to connect with you, maybe there is something that I can say that might help. I would send you a private message, but that is not possible right now with Intent's construction, but if you would like to send me one, my regular email address is:
socratescoco@earthlink.net.
I encourage you to reach out, Robin. To me, to Mary, to anyone/everyone that offers and you feel a resonance within your heart. I would also suggest that you not limit that to just one person. If more than one "feels" resonant, then reach out to all of those.
I know that can be scary, but I would also encourage you to not let another "beast" — the fear beast — have it's way with you. Even if it feels scary, I hope you will reach out anyway. A favorite acronym (from Neale Donald Walsch) is FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.
Sending you tons of pure positive energy and love, and internal knowing,
Kitty
Robin, Thank you for sharing one side of the truth of what is going on w/ you and your life. Your honesty is very heroic!!…Very!…I heard a Kundalini yoga teacher say once, "That the distance btw our ideal selves and our perceived self is good barometer of your happiness or sadness." What always struck me was how powerful that "ideal self" must be b/c of the constant and intense desire to close that gap. And that brings up the other side of your truth, that you already know this and the awareness of'…."some static in the line." Robin, you are perfect, whole, and complete NOW!! I believe in you and will be sending you constant thoughts of support this day!!!! NAMASTE'
You have all brought me to tears. Thank you for being out there, for listening, and for being there for me. That's all I can say right now, I'm a bit blinded by love, lol. xoxo
Robin, yes, indeed, you are very very brave. Thank you for sharing your demon. This is certainly a step in the right direction. Generally it is wise, and healthy, to accept yourself as you are. With your particular situation is not at all healthy to accept that it is OK to overeat (sorry to be so blunt). There are multiple solutions to everything. I get the sense that the eating is simply an outward expression of something much deeper. Treat the cause, not the symptoms. You are not alone.
xosteveaustin@hotmail.com
thankyou-Universe.com
There is a lot on my plate at the moment. Things from our pasts that we think/believe have been put to bed (permanently) tend to rear their ugly heads, when we are experiencing times of despair. The eating too much doesn't come from just eating too much~when I reach a point where I feel blind-sided, weak, and unable to change direction when I know I'm heading for a cliff, I turn myself 'off' emotionally. That's not a desirable place to be and the psyche fights it tooth and nail. When you are not being yourself fully, when there are parts of self that you've tried to close down (because of pain), they will make themselves known somehow. They aren't the enemy, but they aren't choosy in how they end up appearing, and they will find that weak chink in your armor, and will explode forth with all the pent up fury of a madman (or woman, lol)…and it's of your own doing. Emotions can't be dammed off without paying a price somewhere, somehow.
I'm in therapy trying to overcome some things that have decided now to spring up from my past~unpleasant, violent, abusive things. When I find it difficult to process them through normal means, this is what happens. It is a weakness on my part, and I fully accept that~and I'm trying to get a grip on some of these control issues…and if you read that the way I just did, lol, it's soooo obvious. I have to find my way to let go, and the present is a touchstone for me … but sometimes my present is jerked back into the past.
Thank you, so, so much.
xo