If you are neanderthal or cromagnum man reading this, your reaction to the title may be “What? Me must procreate!” If you are somewhat more enlightened you may be saying, “Yeah right, like there is such a thing.”
We are all sexual beings. It’s part of our design. Sexuality plays a role in most everything we encounter. Our society has become more and more sexualized. But in a marriage, there’s more to life than sex. Did I really just say that out loud?
A major component of a fulfilling marriage is the connection you sustain with your partner. However, many times this bid for connection can be met with skepticism. As if there is an ulterior motive with your wanting to touch your spouse.
There may be times where your spouse sees right through your motives. It may also be that your “moves” need a little work.
It’s my belief that most of the communication within marriage happens on a covert level. Speaking up and saying what you really think or want involves too much risk. So we figure out how to get what we want through covert action. Now to be fair, both members of the marriage are complicit in this exchange. In order to break this pattern, the truth must come out.
This could be as simple as speaking up when you are interested in going out for a guys weekend, or when you want to buy the newest techno gadget, or even when you want to have sex.
An interesting phenomenon occurs in most people when the topic of sex comes up. Everyone claims they are interested in the act, many claim to really enjoy the act, but most people have a hard time talking about it with their partner.
Pardon me while I paint with a stereotypical brush for a moment. Most men will report that in their marriage, sex is a way to gain closer connection. While most women would state they are interested in a closer connection in order to be more interested in sex.
With these differing views of the same thing, somethings bound to give.
Interesting though, both men and women report that they are interested in greater connection with their spouse. But they are going about it differently.
So what exactly is the benefit of a closer connection in marriage you ask? You tell me.
A marriage that is fully alive experiences better things in life. Better joy. Better love. Better families. Better children. Better jobs (not necessarily better money, but better fulfillment). Even better sex. While the quantity of sex may not increase, the quality will.
Incorporating more non-sexual touch in marriage will increase the level of connection. Bear in mind, the point of this type of touch is the connection, not the possibility of sex later.
How to increase the non-sexual touch factor.
- Hold hands. This may seem grade schoolish but it really is a great way to connect with your spouse. You may already be a hand holder. Most guys seem to lose this ability after the relationship has worn down a bit. Next time you are with your wife watching TV, walking in the park or mall, at a ball game, reach over and grab her hand. Most likely those around you will not make fun of you like back in school. If they do, next time you’re in the locker room together, give them a wedgie. That’ll teach em.
- Put your arm around her shoulder. This is actually a very comfortable way to sit together. You can do this smoothly, you know, it starts by stretching your arms out to both sides then one arm just naturally lands around her shoulders. Seriously though, sit next to her and put your arm around her. Tell everyone else she is important to you.
- Give massages. The art of the massage often seems to most guys to be a prelude to something more or a chore to be avoided at all costs. A relationship can receive a serious kick if you were to give good massages. Shoulders. Feet. Back. Full body. What a great gift to give.
- Hug. As simple as it sounds, hugging can be a great tool for connection. Stand on your own two feet and hug your spouse. Hold them in your arms. Feel their presence. Make note of their heartbeat. Notice yours. Connect on a deeper level. Hugging is often done during difficult times in life. It’s expected then. Hug them other times as well.
- Pats on the rear. I’ll admit, I’m a rear patter. When my wife walks by, there’s a good chance she’s going to get a pat on the rear. I have no idea when this started. But now my kids have even exhibited signs of following my lead. The other day my oldest walked up and slapped her mom on the rear. While this can be a playful expression of connection, I guess I need to be careful about developing followers. I also need to be careful to not apply too much force.
- Hand on her leg. While you are sitting together, a great bid for connection comes from placing your hand on her leg. An obvious word of caution, the further you place your hand up her leg decreases the non-sexual factor of this touch. But if you sit together with your hand on her knee or even mid thigh, it demonstrates an interest in her and her presence.
- Eye to eye. Although this is the last one in the list, it’s perhaps the most important. Make a habit of looking your spouse in the eye. Whether you’re talking or just in the same room throughout the day, make a connection with her eyes. Respect her by giving her your attention in conversations. Close the laptop, pause the TV, put the paper down and look her in the eye. Let her see your eyes. If you do this several times a day, it will only take a few days until you both will notice a deeper connection with each other.
Interesting topic, Corey, though as a woman i have to question one of your assertions, i.e. " most women would state they are interested in a closer connection in order to be more interested in sex. "
i have to say that is certainly not my personal experience nor has a lifelong experience of communication with other women lead me to believe it is generally true for them. [ N.B. : i wasn't going to post this, but since i see your bio has you as a marriage counselor with a doctorate, i figure it's fair game & would guess you're more interested in the topic itself than you are ego- invested . . so, voila . . lol ]
i think most women, including myself, are interested in a closer connection in personal relationships, especially with a partner, & most are interested in sexual contact as an expression of that closeness, but i don't think they seek a closer connection * in order to be * more interested in sex.
i suppose, of course, it could be argued that Creation is geared to sustaining itself & therefore very much interested in furthering procreation / sex – & that we are all very much wired inwardlyfor that, whether or not we are aware. But that women generally seek closer connections for the purpose of increasing sexual interest, if true at all, i think, is not ordinarily in their awareness ~ though it may well be in the awareness / intelligence of Nature itself.
It would seem more true that seeking closer connection is part of a woman's natural attunement to the emotional aspect of interrelationships, whether as observers or participants, & is secondarily an aspect of nurturing as well. And is true for them as regards relationships generally, whether family members, friends or even on the job, though in the latter regard their interest may be more veiled.
That said, for most women sex without a close connection of some sort – or, in some cases. the hope for it – means sexual intimacy is less likely to occur.
The planet continues to evolve, however, & it's just as interesting to speculate how over time inner wiring itself might actually be changed by behaviors & rewards in vogue, as it is to speculate how inner wiring affects those behaviors. Certainly at the moment, at least in the west, we see all around us a push for the expression of female sexuality free of emotional ties or expectation apart from the sexual act itself ( though i am not at all sure that is a dharmic / life supporting direction for society as a whole ), so perhaps your statement is a force in the making . .
We shall see ; )
"If you are Neanderthal or Cromagnum man reading this, your reaction to the title may be
I can honestly say that after 23yrs of marriage, the best part of my day has always been suggling up in bed at night, so that should definitely be added to the list.
Hugs, Lily
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A better (non-sexual) connection (established beforehand) definitely makes for better sex!