What’s the point in getting married?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, and several of our girlfriends feel it is their duty to bug us about our future wedding date. Neither of us are very thrilled by this. We’re not in any rush to move in together, and we are certainly not in any rush to legally tie the knot.
Maybe it will happen one day, but then maybe not. As my boyfriend had wondered outloud on more than one occasion: how would a legal court document make our relationship any stronger?
Don’t get me wrong: I do believe that for many couples, getting married carries a symbolic spiritual weight that is extremely important, and that shouldn’t be denied. Still, I am in full support of another alternative for partners: the idea that it is possible for long-term couples to be happily committed to each other for life–and it’s totally cool that they’re not married, and may never get married.
(Let’s not also forget that getting married is still not an option to gay couples, and that’s complete bullshit.)
More and more long-term couples are making a conscious decision to not get married. One of the more famous examples that come to mind is actor Johnny Depp, who has two children with his long-term partner Vanessa Paradis, but is still not married after nearly 12 years of being committed to each other.
Interestingly enough, a recent article on CNN reveals testimonies from 15 women of varying ages who are in long-term relationships and are not in any rush to tie the knot with their respective partners. Some have already been divorced and are wary about rushing into another marriage. Others are afraid that getting officially wedded will make the relationship stagnant. Still, others, like this woman from Seattle, simply do not see the point:
"I just don’t see the point in paying money and having a wedding to prove how much we love each other. We have been together for seven years and have three amazing children together. We have four cats, a dog, an aquarium, a nice little house, are financially stable, and most of all we are incredibly happy with things just the way they are."
Another woman shares an interesting example of how calling off the engagement with her long-term boyfriend actually made their relationship even stronger:
"This is a question I am asked often, specifically by my female friends and family members. To be perfectly honest, I do not have an exact answer. I just have a bad feeling that marriage isn’t something Keith and I should do. I can’t really explain it, but the feeling is there, and it gets stronger and stronger every time someone asks me why I do not want to get married. In the end, I will continue to go with my gut and just stay the way we are now."
So what are the advantages of not getting married to your long-term romantic partner? Here are some reasons:
1. You don’t have to deal with the financial stress and burden of planning a wedding. No trying to appease both families. No guest list drama. Plus, think of all the money saved from not having to deal with: the dress, the rings, the venue-planning, the invitations, and so on.
2. There is no societal pressure to stick it out if a relationship has become unhealthy, stagnant, and is probably better off ending. In a marriage, you are expected to be with your partner forever "’Til Death Do Us Apart." Geez, no pressure there. On the other hand, simply being in a long-term relationship without the marriage works for many people because they don’t have to deal with that psychological back-lash of being obligated to stick with the same person for the rest of their lives.
3. You will never have to deal with divorce, ever. Just imagine your ugliest, most painful break-up, but with the extra time-consuming, expensive and tedious work of dealing with legal stuff with your ex.
4. No last-name drama. Enough said.
While marriage is an important institution for many people, I would also like to see the option of not getting married become more socially acceptable for couples. Maybe there will be less unhappy marriages. Maybe there will be a loosening of the stereotypical husband and wife roles that box in so many people once they get married. Maybe there will be more constructive dialogue, a more fluid definition of what long-term love can look like.
Plus, in the grand scheme of things, love is love whether you have a legal court document or not.
Interesting article. I agree with your point. Even though I'm married for the last 11 years, i don't think it's that big of a deal at all. Marriages definitely have a religious undertone to them. It's mostly people who are very religion oriented who claim the "sacredness" or the "holiness" of marriages. To me, it doesn't matter whether someone's married or, in a long-term relationship. What you feel for your partner is more important than the approval from peers and priests.
Marriage is very important if you believe in God and wish to obey him. There is no reason to not get married unless you are not religious or do not truly believe that your relationship will be successful. These are only my beliefs.
I have been with the same person for 18 years and I refuse to get married. I agree that it's not necessary and honestly, he's financially retarded while I'm uber-responsible. Since I cannot seem to teach him how to handle money, I don't believe it'd be fair to allow him to pull me down. Other than that, he's an alright guy. There are some complications that you should be warned about, though. The longer you're together, there are some things that come up. For instance, if only 1 of you owns your home, and you break up, the other can take up to 60 days to leave if he/she wants to be a jerk about it. Even if they've never made a house payment or have ANYTHING to do with your home purchase, their stuff is in your house and therefore they get the same rights a renter would. There are, as you know I'm sure, still people who treat you badly because you're not married. And, it's pretty easy, when co-habitating, for someone to open a joint banking account (which you don't do) without your permission and get joint car/life insurance. Whatever you do, be VERY very very careful to keep your finances seperate.