My friend Sandy and I had had yet another one of our philosophical discussions this weekend. She said, “I have a great title for your next blog – Marriage is Temporary, Divorce is Forever.” Having been divorced myself I can understand her sentiments. Yes, divorce is forever. But now, truly happily married, I’m in the state where I once again feel that marriage is forever, too. Maybe there really is no delineation – maybe it’s that these relationships we get ourselves into go on and on, and it’s just the definition of the relationship that changes. Whether married or divorced, there is this person in our lives that we love – or loved – and through whom we are tied with children, or finances, or history.
As celebrities give us this great illustration with which we can all better understand, let’s explore this theory with a few examples. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore: married, seemingly happily, for enough years to produce three beautiful daughters. They divorce amicably, and no bad blood shows up in the press. She later marries Ashton Kutcher, and Bruce shows his support as the three attend many family occasions and holidays together. One big happy family! And when Bruce remarries, of course they’re all there, too. Very civilized, very mature. So Bruce and Demi, although married to different people now, are still tied to each other through their children, and have managed to maintain a functional relationship.
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt do not share any children, although they shared years of their lives together as husband and wife. Will the press ever let them forget that? I think not! Even as Brad welcomed his 5th and 6th child, twins, with his current partner, Angelina Jolie, tabloids speculated about an Aniston-Pitt reunion. What gives? These people have all clearly moved on, but why can’t we? Is it because Brad and Angie have yet to tie the knot? They are clearly committed – and they certainly are looking to the future as they raise these children together. I think it’s because we want to see that Jennifer is okay. We want her to be happy, and in love, like Brad is. That way it seems more “fair.” But life is not always fair. Life gives us lessons, and sometimes they’re tough ones. We just have to trust that somehow, someway, through some power greater than our own, that it all balances out in the end. Karma? Destiny? Maybe that’s it.
From Sandy’s point of view, her marriage was temporary. She didn’t plan for it to be that way. She went in with the best of intentions, until death do us part. But as it goes, things happen, people change, and plans go awry. So now she’s divorced, which she considers to be permanent. This is the new definition of her relationship with her ex. Can she “wash that man right out of her hair?” No. They have kids together. They had a life together. And now all of that has to be shifted to fit this new paradigm. It can be painful, and certainly stressful. There are unfulfilled expectations. There is grief, fear, and uncertainty. And what can we do about it? Somehow we have to manage. We have to redefine the relationship in such a way that it makes sense to us, and that we are okay with it, taking the good with the bad, however we choose to see that. We have to let go of any anger or resentment because there comes a time when we realize that we are only hurting ourselves with it.
So yes, my first marriage is over. But am I over it? Probably not. I’ve still got these two kids as constant reminders of the years we shared in it. Those years don’t disappear. They are a part of my memory, and my psyche. They helped to shape who I am today. But I still wouldn’t change a thing about it. I know mistakes were made, but those mistakes helped both me and my ex to learn and to grow. I know we are both better off where we are today. I love my life, I love my husband, and I know that I wouldn’t have what I have right now had the divorce not happened. So it’s all good. And I am sure that my ex feels the same way.
Life is full of challenges and full of risks. Marriage is a big risk. Divorce is another. Both take a commitment. It’s a commitment to living life to its fullest, to being true to yourself, to doing what you feel is best, and to honoring the wisdom that you have gained through your experiences.
Thank you for this post. Sometimes I wish we could change the terminology associated with divorce and think of it as an evolution and change vs an ending, finality and the inevitable "ex" associated with it. You've captured these life changes well.
Thank you. Great to have such clear perspectives. I my self have been married for 3 years. Together for 7 and i have a 4 yr old..
Last year was the hardest, I played with divorcing my husband about 4 times last year. I couldn't commit myself anymore. My life was changing and i couldn't see my life continuing on the way it was…. His alcoholic moments, his controlling nature and fears…drove me to be insensitve unloving and selfish. I had my guards up and I wanted him to change.
But deep down inside, i knew the truth.(after a rude awakeing) Wanting someone to change is not love…i have no control over what people do, say, think, or believe. I am not responsible for anyone. just myself. I had to take responsibility.
I softened up and had to really look within and see that, yes i do love him, but i cannot commit to someone…. when my fear is that i am not able to grow or grow together. when the very nature of things is evolution, constant change and movement.
I checked in within myself and found out that I was acting out and wanting love, attention and unconditional love from my husband. but i couldn't get them because i wasn't giving that to myself 1st. I needed to make a committment to myself 1st. Then i am better able to help another see their own love.
Our love has grown and evolved…check out our website @www.loveofwings.com
Relationships are beautiful reflections for us to heal our own perceptions.
Thanks again. butterfly kisses.
Well in this temporary world, you and I, nothing and no one is forever, let alone marriage and divorce. I like the way you have written this blog post. It sounds very encouraging for the people going through tough times of divorce, especially the ones with kids. It is very good to move on or adapt to a situation. It really is and should be a personal choice. Both take commitment catches attention as I never realized that divorce too takes commitment. So true. It does. People change and so their situations also change. It is only when we get stuck in an event or emotion or even in a moment, that we can't see it. I am neither married not divorced yet but can truly understand the dynamics of how it works like any other relationship. The funny thing is, sometimes the best of your friends become worst of your enemies in no time and a relationship that broke many years ago gets rekindled in no time. One such event is enough for us to realize that what ever we are from inside decides what we do on the outside. Choices choices, decisions decisions. Really to some they come with great difficulties and valuable lessons. Acceptance plays the key. Wonderful post I must say.
Peace and Love
Garima
I have to laugh at this garbage… psychobabble, mumbo-jumbo rationalization and invalidation.
"Marriage is a big risk. Divorce is another. Both take a commitment. " what an idiotic comment. divorce takes no commitment. Divorce is quitting. It is giving up. it takes no commitment to give up…
"So it’s all good. And I am sure that my ex feels the same way." so, you can speak for what someone else feels? You are the spokesperson for his brain and know he feels this way? probably not and even if he did actually say he was OK theres no way to know if he is actually telling the truth or lying to protect your feeling of 'its all good' …
you keep telling yourself you're better off… maybe someday you'll actually convince yourself that giving up and quitting is a good thing.