Mary Pipher’s 8 Simple Rules for Helping Yourself While Helping Others

Mary Pipher credits her husband for coining the subtitle of her latest book, Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World, after he observed her stressing herself into a frenzy immediately following a meditation session one morning.

Pipher, the author of the best-selling book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, which was No. 1 on the New York Times best-seller list for 27 weeks, is not alone. As she learned during a visit to Spirit Rock, the renowned meditation center in Woodacre, Calif., even the most revered Buddhist monks have said that they’re not certain they could stay focused with all the distractions of modern life.

And the more you care about the world around you, the harder it seems to be.

"People who try to do good work are very much in demand," says Pipher, who as a lifelong good scout has experienced this firsthand. "They become victims of their own kindness by becoming absolutely burned out."  

So what’s a worn-out do-gooder to do? Well, when the Buddha was enlightened, he just sat down. For the rest of us, Pipher has some suggestions:



Build a Support System

"I’m a giant believer in communities and the power of long-term relationships." Pipher says. It’s a theme that pops up again and again in her books, and in her life: whether it’s turning a collective bad day into a memorable evening by cooking a dream meal with her husband and daughter, or skipping out early on a film about cloistered monks to go dancing with her friends. "There’s something so grounding about people we love, that we take care of, and that take care of us."



Be a Support System

That includes our relationships with fellow travelers. In fact, maybe even most of all. "Idealistic people get into organizations where everyone is overwhelmed. Sometimes, they want to just go home and hang with their cat, but they see things in such apocryphal terms that it’s very hard to just slow down and relax."

As a result, Pipher says, they tend to treat each other with less consideration. "The greatest gift you can give to your coworkers is just give them a blessing and be aware of their humanity and be present in your interactions with them."



Obey Your Animal Instincts

In order to do this, Pipher tells Tonic, we must take care of ourselves first. "We need to do what all mammals do. I say mammal, because we’re connected to a history much more ancient than human. An animal knows what it needs. It eats when it’s hungry, it sleeps when it’s tired. It tries to stay warm, have fresh water to drink and needs to stay comfortable."

Sounds simple enough, but even Pipher has experienced the counter-productive consequences of forgetting this fundamental rule of (opposable) thumb. In Seeking Peace, she writes of being so exhausted during her years of public speaking, that she sometimes felt she was letting down the very people who she was trying to help. It was only after taking a winter off that she began to feel like herself again.



Make Decisions About How You Spend Your Time

Her experience opened her eyes to an urgent pandemic: a time famine she describes as equal to our economic crisis.

Even leisure activities can sometimes be a chore. "Everyone I know is scheduling their barbecues two and half months out," Pipher observes. "When they look at their schedules, they don’t think ‘this is going to be fun,’ they feel tired.

"We need to create white space for our lives every day. Quiet is not some kind of luxury. It’s when people have an opportunity to regroup."

As to why this is so important — particular for self-appointed superheroes whose only speed is full-steam ahead — she quotes the poet David Whyte, "The great tragedy of velocity as the answer to the complexities and responsibilities of existence is that after awhile you can’t perceive anything that isn’t moving at the same speed as you are or faster."



Self-Correct by Giving Thanks

Easier said than done, of course. With self-depreciating candor, Pipher frequently acknowledges that she is teaching what she most needs to learn. "When I meditate, I start thinking, ‘remember to get out the hamburger for dinner, change that dentist appointment …’"

But, she says, when a chattering inner to-do list becomes a deafening tower of babble, "Immediately plug into that gratitude. Something major like you’re alive, or small — like you have a good cup of tea to drink. Learn to find one beautiful thing. Stop for joy. No matter how many things you have to do, notice a Baltimore oreole in a tree and stop to watch it."



Take a Deep Breath

Even when things are going smoothly, Pipher advises giving yourself three breaths in between tasks, or even before answering the phone.

"Everyone needs a set of self-calming skills. As you move around the world, you’re constantly seeing things that hype you up and make you anxious. You run into people that are sort of anxious agitated energy everywhere you go. You need time to disconnect and refocus."



And When All Else Fails …

"I tend to be anxious and guilty when I think I’ve let someone down," Pipher confesses. "When I have that feeling, one of my coping devices is to say a prayer for everyone on earth who might be feeling that way. Then instead of feeling uniquely messed up, I feel connected to everyone in the human race."



… Accept Yourself

When she’s in a particularly self-castigating mood, Pipher channels the advice of the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, "Give yourself a hug and say, ‘Darling, I love you just the way you are.’"

Photo by Angie Zegers, photo courtesy of Mary Pipher.