Life used to be somewhat predictable, even if the ‘predictable’ was unpredictable. Let me explain. I have ADHD, had it all my life but only was diagnosed with it at age 32.  After I had come to know failure and almost constant frustration and being labeled as ‘different’ ‘ and feeling as though I was just slightly off, the odd man out, as intimately as I might my own face in the mirror.

Still, bad as it was at times, at least I knew, could count on the factors and therefore be somewhat comfortable with my life as I knew it. There is a certain security in an unvarying factor, be it good, bad, or fuggly. Despite it all, I managed to graduate high school, get an associates degree, support myself to the point of paying my bills. Another security, espcially in a world that was always chaotic  and nothing ever quite went the way it was planned.

I developed protective coloration early on, to better blend in with the crowd and had many coping mechanisms in play-I managed, if not ever achieving success to the level my parents had instilled in me, being the firstborn who ‘had such great potential’ and would do ‘wonderful things, if only she applied herself”, as after all, my parents had, and later, my 2 younger sisters did. So…I was the odd man out, even within the confines of my family.

I embraced this difference when I grew older, became the rebel, the one who made her own way and made her life the way shechose, not following conventional methods and the stepping stones of lifelike everyone else did. It worked for me. I answered to no one but myself came and went as I pleased and followed whatever whim might have smacked me on the nose that particular day.

Ah, but as I grew older still, I had a son and I went from that rebel, that woman who had life on her terms vanished and an abrupt 360 was executed. Those whims no longer seemed much worth pursuing and the very things that had built my character were carefully put away, as responsibility, care, caution and love moved in. That laughing girl was replaced by a quie careful woman who loves her son more than life itself and it was her parenting him and struggling with her own ADHD inconsistencies to be the very best parent she could be, by which she willingly even eagerly chose to define herself. That and her ability to be self supporting and dependant upon no one.

Along the way love happened again. Real love, the type I had not yet allowed myrself to experience, except in the role of that as of a parent, and life changed again, as my family of my son and myself grew to add a man. I had made it, in my own way of thinking, achieved what I had  wanted, viewed as important goals in my life. I was content, even if I hadn’t quite ‘made it’ as far as my parents would’ve liked, I was happy knowing I had what I did.  And life was good. Until the actions of a vengeful ex, my son’s father, took the one security in my life, my definition to and of  me- my self worth that I felt was irreplaceable. My one source of pride, aside from my son, that wasn’t dependant upon anyone or anything. My ability to be self supporting.  A job.

Without making a long story longer still, suffice it to say that despite playing by the rules as I had always faithfully done, as it applied to court orders on support, custody, etc-my ex played by no such rules and when I had the audacity to leave him, four years ago, fleeing his mental abuse and training that I was HIS possession, having to ask permission to leave the house and just lately, to re-open the court case, to take him back to court, make him answer for the things he had done to me, to my son, to my entire family, my ex found a tiny loophole in the child support I am ordered  to pay each month and ran with it. "I’ll ruin yo", was his parting shot. And it was well played.

Though I was able to prove what had been done was done maliciously, and an expungement was scheduled, the damage had been done. No company will hire a person with a felony, even if the person shows the papers of the judge determining malicious intent, the date of an expungement. No one will even care to look at these documents she thrusts so desperately in prospective employers faces, as she has already been deemed unworthy for employment.  The one thing I was always able to count on is no longer here and I know anxiety and absolute despair and utter humiliation every waking minute of my days.

3 months now, with no money and no job, no sense of purpose or worth. Constant resentment from the one man I truly love, ‘I took on this debt for you and you can’t even get a job?!’ is a phrase I hear every day and the worst part is that I can’t blame him. I know he still loves me but resentment over this situation that he didn’t ask for or bring on, that has been thrust upon him is quickly curdling that emotion. My relationship is quickly disintegrating, my ‘luxuries’ in life ( a beat up car and a cell phone in similar shape) are about to disappear and I’ve grown increasingly desperate. And guilty, for making another obligated to try to support me, my son, take on my half of the bills and work himself to death.  I’m ruining everything I ever wanted.

If there is such a thing as karma, it hasn’t found my ex, who has made good on his threat to make me regret finding the discrepancies in his taxes and re-opening this case. I have no more coping mechanisms and I’m finding, at the ripe old age of 37, how it feels to be brought to rock bottom. I simply don’t know where to turn.

I always had an inner light within me, for lack of a better term, a feeling that even when things were bad, it would all be okay. I don’t have that anymore and I’m just…lost. My wishes for better days to return have gone unanswered and each morning I wake, I dread what is to come, what awful ‘surprises’ are waiting to greet me. Creditor calls, the fear of a repo man lurking, another ‘retalitory act by this ex who is determined to see me suffer, another notification from Google advising my accounts have been hacked again (gee I wonder by who?!) the ‘subtle’ just inside the law and therefore unable to be held accountable for his actions problems, glitches, snafus and occurances that have been happening just recently and  the sense of humor that has always been my companion, in good times and bad is no longer here, I miss it. And I despair.