Did you know that the word should comes from the anglo saxon “sceolde”? Scolding is just the effect it has on us. Indeed, shoulds and musts set up civil wars inside our psyche. Psychologist Neil Fiore points out that as soon as we have
“One voice say[ing]`I should,’ another says, `I don’t want to.’”
And so we go back and forth between the two, feeling bad no matter what we end up doing.
When we live from a list of shoulds, we end up in a tremendous amount of self recrimination and regret. This is a great energy sap. Wayne D. Dyer puts it this way: “When we discuss what we should have done, or what we could have done, or what we would have done, we are not tuned into our reality system. No one could have done anything differently than they did. Period.”
These days, I’m practicing letting go of shoulds, musts, and oughts. It’s part of my yes and no campaign for better emotional and physical health. I say, sorry, I’m too tired to come to the party, even if it’s at the last minute. (Friends can attest to how often I’ve bailed on them.) I let my work speak for itself rather than worrying whether others will think me a slacker for taking time off. And when I do find myself stuck in a should, I seek a solution that I can do wholeheartedly—pick flowers from my garden for a friend rather than buy a gift, for instance, if that feels more authentic.
"Should" really means "you're bad if you don't". How about just either doing it or not doing it; drop all the judgements around it, and life gets a whole lot easier.