In every story worth telling, there is a colorful beginning.
This one begins with me…
When my stepfather started caressing me, and lightly tickling my arms, legs, and back, it felt nice.
I felt loved.
I was often watching television when he would cuddle with me on the sofa. My mother would scratch my back once in a while too. Problem was my mother’s caressing never lasted long.
When my stepfather caressed me, it often lasted a long, long time.
Until everyone else went to bed. Until I fell into a deep, sound sleep.
The first time he began to include and caress my breasts, it caused me to awaken but it also felt somewhat natural.
When it escalated and he first began to take down my underpants, I would awaken startled.
I felt sick, sad, and confused. I pretended to remain asleep out of embarrassment and shame. My body naturally responded to the caressing so, even though I felt sick, some of it felt good. My body was being stimulated. That made me even more disgusted with myself.
Hence began a long, destructive journey of self-hate, ridicule and blame.
As with all abuse, it escalated over time. The disgust of having a grown man’s organ shoved between my legs when I was a young child was too disorienting and debilitating to put into words.
Was there penetration? No, not with me. I guess in his mind that made it OK. Sadly, in some minds, it does not constitute the same act as rape, but it is.
I believe that if a child is fondled, stimulated against their will, or forced to touch, look at, and have a grown man’s penis thrust between their legs, it is rape and should be treated as such. For an adult to initiate sexual talk and innuendos with a small child, or force penetration with a finger, object or penis, all constitute the same thing. Rape against ones soul, life and future.
My stepfather is a pedophile.
Pedophilia is sexual attraction of an adult to prepubescent children. It is the act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child. The pedophile has a psychosexual disorder that manifests in a sexual preference for a certain age and sex of prepubescent children.
Pedophiles are almost always males.
*Women and children account for over 90% of sexual abuse victims.
*The majority of child victimizers in state prison knew the victim before the crime.
*1/3 had committed their crime against their own child.
*1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative.
* 3/4’s of the violent victimizations took place in the victim’s or the offender’s home.
**3 in 4 child victims of violence were female.
~~~BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991~~
Sexually abused children are more often of the opposite sex (about twice as often) and are typically 13 years of age or younger. They may be within or outside the pedophile’s family.
The saddest fact of all to me is that most male and female children are sexually abused by someone they love, trust or know well:
Sexual fantasies, looking, or fondling are more common than genital contact, although abuse escalates as time goes on. Just like a drug addict or alcoholic, more intense sexual activity is needed to create the same high.
Many children who are not helped and forced to interact with their abuser develop a repressed memory in order to survive and make sense of their lives. They have a strong need to feel safe and their mind assists them by repressing the memory until they can handle it. Small triggers may occur along the way allowing snippets to come forward.
Because my mother said she didn’t believe me…. and did nothing to help me… but extol my step father’s virtues, my mind protected me and I believed I had the two most wonderful loving parents in the world.
Horrifically, I personally discovered my dark truth on the day I discovered my daughters. My mind had protected me and allowed my daughter to be harmed.
I want you to know my daughter is doing beautifully because I rallied the troops and fought for her honor. Together we placed him in jail even though my mother paid big bucks for the best defense attorney in town to keep him out of jail and well fed at home.
I want you to know I too, am doing really well, even though my mother told many family members and friends that we were lying and I was abandoned from some of their love and support. I want you to know that my daughter is living her dream and dancing and that I am now living mine.
I want you to know that it is never too late to live your dream. As a young child I was going to be an actress and then my step father harmed me and all of my self esteem, creativity and confidence seeped out of me like a pin pricked balloon.
Today, I am working on a feature film project that will film here in Portland. I am having a blast and loving my life!
My husband and I want to assist you in living your dream and doing what you love! Coming soon to www.spiritoflivingwell.com will be an inspirational and powerful tele-seminar to catapult you into your dreams!
No matter what you have been through the time is here for you now to jump into your dreams. You can do this, you can! Trust me, I know.
(If you or anyone you know has been sexually abused or has a loved one that has been, please join my free national sexual abuse tele-seminar at www.spiritoflivingwell.com)