Guilt! On May 6th I was overridden with it and by the end of the day on May 7th I had all but completely let it go.
The law of floatation was not discovered by those who contemplated the sinking of things but by those that contemplated the floating of things. – unknown
The morning of May 7th, 2009 was beautiful in St. Augustine, Florida. I woke up early, packed my beach bag, and headed to Crescent Beach, which was about 10 minutes from where I was staying. I had been hauling around a hefty amount of pain mostly in the form of guilt, which was directly related to my failed marriage. Afterall, my wife of over 10 years was a pretty amazing person. Everyone loves her and she makes friends quickly wherever she goes. She’s supportive, a good listener, attentive and attractive, and we enjoyed a lot of days together. Splitting up what seemed from the outside to be a good marriage was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made. Without getting too personal let’s just say that I had made several decisions ten years earlier that weren’t good. They weren’t decisions that I really wanted to make but rather thought I should make.
I stretched my blanket out in the sand, hammered my umbrella down as far as I could, pulled out my books and music and sat there for fifteen hours. Yep…you heard me…fifteen hours. My intention was to get curious about my guilt and pain. I watched the sun rise over the water, the tide come in and go out, the pelicans dive into the water over and over, and I contemplated.
Midlifers, I don’t know about you, but I have gone a good bit of my adult life feeling it was necessary to ask permission to have certain emotions and desires. When separating with my wife I felt like I needed to gain everyone’s acceptance to feel the way I did. So, needless to say when I didn’t gain permission or acceptance from others then I felt guilty.
I don’t know for sure what happened to me that day. I don’t know if it was the ocean air, watching the sun rise and set, occasionally putting my feet in the water, or if it was a combination of the entire experience of the day. All I know is that I left the beach that day after dark and with a full sky of stars and I was free of the guilt. Occasionally, I have a recurrence but I just go back to that day and remind myself that it’s ok to feel or desire anything I want. My good friend Ryan says that he has "moments of clarity" where solutions and direction appear to him. Perhaps I had a few of those that day on the beach. Whatever it was…I’m grateful.
“Pain is the fuel that lights the flame of our enlightenment” – Eckhart Tolle
Comments are closed.