The past few weeks have been quite a journey for me and I’m still making my way through. But I woke this morning feeling up to the idea of sharing a little about my experience. On April 30th I underwent a craniotomy for the removal of a benign brain tumor that was pressing on my language center. This was discovered as a result of an inner ear virus, which though unrelated, proved to be a gift, as it resulted in the MRI that showed the tumor.
As a professional songwriter and artist, the idea of having anything injuring the “poetry” part of my brain was frightening so I’m happy to say that the surgery went incredibly well. I harnessed the aid of many wonderful loved ones around the world and have had the prayers flowing! The tumor seems to have been completely removed and although there is further testing to determine whether or not it is “atypical”, my prognosis is very good.
Having been a breast cancer survivor (in 2000), and having lost my husband to cancer in 1994, I guess I could ask,” what is going on here?” But when I think about the tremendous challenges people go through in this life, so far beyond my difficulties, I shift inside. That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes feel sorry for myself or become wrapped up in fear. I woke up this morning with a very loud low “C” note ringing like a Tibetan singing bowl in my head. It’s ringing now and I have to say it’s a bit overwhelming.
I have a wonderful performance coming up in a couple weeks where I’m singing just before Bishop Desmond Tutu speaks. “Low C” or not I’ll be there but in the meantime I have to find a way to relate to this situation so that my voice and the spirit of my performance can be unencumbered in the event this drone continues to permeate my head.
After arising this morning and discovering this malady I had a good cry in the shower. Feeling pretty shaken up, I decided I needed to ask and be open to a Spiritual sense of direction on how to navigate this and not panic. Walking back into my bedroom I picked up a book called “Love Poems From God” (Daniel Ladinsky) which I like to keep around. I randomly open it sometimes to see what message pops out. And today this is what I got:
This Place Of Abundance
We know nothing until we know everything.
I have no object to defend for all is of equal value to me.
I cannot lose anything in this place of abundance I found.
If something my heart cherishes is taken away.
I just say, “Lord, what happened?”
And a hundred more appear.
In the year 2000, during my journey through breast cancer I underwent some pretty hefty chemotherapy. Thanks to additional healing modalities like prayer, meditation and good nutrition, I came through that and regained my strength. However one of the things I had to adjust to was a lingering tinnitus in my right ear. It’s very high pitched like incredibly tiny crickets way up in the high register. During my cancer treatment it was a non-issue since my main concern was to just live and come back into full health. But as I started to return to my music I was faced with this annoying constant chirping.
My spontaneous and goofy solution was to decide to identify and relate to the “chirps” as a tiny band of angels that stay with me everywhere and sing to me all day long. This proved to be a very workable and in time I kind of tuned them out or sometimes even enjoyed their miniscule tambourines. They are still up there on the high shelf now, but this new low singing bowl is taking up a lot more space in my head so I’m challenged to find a way to make my peace with this one.
. In between these uplifting waves of faith and trust I feel myself dipping back into fear. But I’ve learned through the years that my relationship to fear comes into a more workable place by the simple act of letting it come in when it shows up ringing the doorbell like a unwelcome visitor when you’re sick, chattering on about the full scope of negative possibilities. Eventually it finishes it’s missive and departs.
Still, as the love poem from God says, “if something my heart cherishes is taken away, just say ‘Lord, what happened?’, and a hundred more appear” and so I’ve decided for today that I will accept this “inner toning” as a personal song from God deep and healing. I will imagine the Dali Lama is playing a bowl for me and then perhaps hear it as the soothing hum of sweet Mother Mary’s voice holding this soothing note as I come back into the wholeness of my health.
Dear Beth, the 'challenges' you have had to face and overcome so bravely and positively put me to shame. I can't even begin to comprehend what you have been through recently and can only partly imagine how frightening waking up with this "Low C" ringing in your head must be, particularly for a professional singer/songwriter. However, I also can't imagine a more appropriate sound for the voice of God than the soothing, mellow, reverberation of a Tibetan singing bowl – their sound goes right to the soul. 'Hymn to Tara' is a particular track on 'Prism' that I turn to when the demon fear comes knocking at my door – which during a 6 month breakdown it has done often. If anyone deserves to hear the reassuring voice of God, you do – I pray it is all part of a rapid healing process. "…sometimes I have to trust what I can't know …" – someone very brave, wise and spiritually enlightened wrote those words. God bless and support you and give you peace. With love, Helen
Beth,
Thank you for sharing this post. I love how you are concentrating on This Place of Abundance even as you are facing this new challenge. You and your music are an inspiration to me… just as you were during our high school years.
I will pray for you as you journey back good health and wholeness.
Blessings, Debbie
Pulling for you and praying for complete restoration of your health – hold strong to your faith and His abundant blessings – Libby
What a beautiful and moving post Beth, thanks for sharing that poem, I'll be using it!
Noreen.
Very moving, Beth, you are a sweet inspiration.
Thank you,
ed
On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.
beannacht – john o’donohue
“Beannacht” from ANAM CARA,
Beth, you looked great with your hair short before and you will look great again! God bless you and your beautiful music. You enrich the universe. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Hi Beth
So sorry to hear that you have had another mountain to climb over the last few months. You and your music have been a rock to me over the past 5 years and helped me through the darkest of days. After all you have been through with your Ernest and your battle against breast cancer, no wonder you must ask yourself “what’s going on here? to me life deals the best people the hardest times!
I have had the pleasure of seeing you many times, and am proud to say that at home I have my “beth corner” where I have photos my husband took that you signed for me.
You will probably not get to read this before, but we will be coming to see you on Thursday at the Lowry in Manchester, I cried when my husband gave me the tickets. Beth you are amazing and after all you have been through yourself you still give so much love through your beautiful songs……thank you Beth
xxxxx Beccy.
Dear Beth
Seems like your guardian angel is trying to get your attention and to steer you in a new direction. Listen closely and she will tell you what you need to know. Really, she will…