Practicing Non-Violent Communication

By on September 11, 2009 in Relationships

Question:  I am a big believer of healthy, non-violent communication and really try to be conscious of how I present what I want to say so that I honor both myself and the other person. There are some times however when I’m facing a conflict situation, feel angry and then struggle with whether or not I should express it because I’m afraid of saying hurtful things.

I often times try to wait until I have a better grasp on my emotions but then have a tendency to just clam up and let things go. Where is the fine line between telling someone that you’re upset and when you can’t think of anything nice to say, as the saying goes, don’t say anything at all?

Answer:  If you are concerned that you won’t be able to restrain your emotions and will say hurtful things in the heat of the moment, then you are right to wait and cool off a bit first before speaking with the person. If you are angrily saying hurtful things to someone, then you aren’t practicing non-violent communication and you aren’t honoring them or yourself.

Once you have collected yourself, it doesn’t mean you need to clam up or not express your feelings. You need to learn to say how you feel in such a way that it you aren’t blaming those feelings on them. There needs to be a recognition that the other party also has a valid perspective and feelings that need to be acknowledged. So say what you honestly feel, but be ready to listen to what the other person is feeling as well.

Love,
Deepak

www.deepakchopra.com

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About Deepak Chopra

Time Magazine heralded Deepak Chopra as one of the 100 heroes and icons of the century, and credited him as "the poet-prophet of alternative medicine." Entertainment Weekly described Deepak Chopra as "Hollywood's man of the moment, one of publishing's best-selling and most prolific self-help authors." He is the author of more than 50 books and more than 100 audio, video and CD-Rom titles. He has been published on every continent and in dozens of languages. Fifteen of his books have landed on the New York Times Best-seller list. Toastmaster International recognized him as one of the top five outstanding speakers in the world. Through his over two decades of work since leaving his medical practice, Deepak continues to revolutionize common wisdom about the crucial connection between body, mind, spirit, and healing. His mission of "bridging the technological miracles of the west with the wisdom of the east" remains his thrust and provides the basis for his recognition as one of India's historically greatest ambassadors to the west. Chopra has been a keynote speaker at several academic institutions including Harvard Medical School, Harvard Business School, Harvard Divinity School, Kellogg School of Management, Stanford Business School and Wharton.His latest book is "Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul."
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2 Responses to Practicing Non-Violent Communication

  1. Eithne Q September 10, 2009 at 8:18 pm #

    It is also typical for me to muffle my upset feelings rather than confront the person who has offended me. Recently I spoke out when I was upset by an offense and I think that it was such a shock to my friend that she did'nt know how to handle my stating that I could not accept her negativilty. In another incident I am guessing I blurted out something which offended a relative and her response was not only silence but cutting me out of her online friends link. I thought that this was actually very agressive. There was no communication of what exactly she is upset about so I'm wondering whether to wait and allow her time to calm down or check in and see what's up. So while we try to practice spirituality and say we are conscious beings we all stumble at times. I guess as long as we try to make amends and not repeat the same mistake we are back on track again.

  2. mydomainpvt September 11, 2009 at 12:55 am #

    dear deepak,

    thanks for the beautiful answer.

    Wish you love, peace and happiness.

    Trisha