The past two years have been life changing for me – quite literally. Changes in relationship status, home, job – almost every major area, causing me to sometimes feel like an untethered buoy just bobbing in the waves. I’ve had to regularly stop, find my center and my north, just to keep on marching day after day. During this time I learned quite a bit about productivity – or lack thereof – as my focus drifted here and there and hours and days slipped by unnoticed. During extended periods of change and to some extent, crisis, how you think about your time can be very important to how you feel about yourself and how you progress through the days. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way.
1. If you need it, make time for an escape.
When a major change in your life throws you off-course, dig deep and figure out what you need to take care of yourself. Schedule the time and use it. This will vary from one person to another but during pivotal life changes, it’s critical to ask yourself if you need time away, time with loved ones or just time off. I waited too long, but finally took two weeks off from work, used every frequent flier mile I had to fly to Kauai and rented a small place on a beach by myself. I brought a few books to read – no car, no plan. I stocked the kitchen with healthy food, borrowed a guide book and just let the days take shape, reading a lot, playing in the waves, hiking, staring at the stars and playing with a local cat that wouldn’t leave me alone. I made room for tears, aha moments, new experiences and even made some friends. My details won’t be the same as yours – that’s the point. This was "me" time. Take your "me" time so that when you return, you feel ready to join the human race. Even if you’re not 100%, you’ll have begun the process.
2. Take your time with decisions.
Life changes can really screw with your emotions and decision making capabilities. It’s not a time to make rash decisions – in fact, even the simple ones can seem overwhelming. When decisions needed to be made at work, I found asking my team-members for their thoughts really helped me through. For bigger, personal questions that arise, take some time with them. Before bed, write yourself a note asking for the answer – then go to sleep. When you wake take some quiet time before you even get up, look at the paper and see if an answer comes naturally. Don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t come right away – give yourself time. Wait for those moments of stillness in yourself. Those can be the best times to find the answers.
3. Dial down the noise and get comfortable with quiet.
When life gets tough, it seems like most of us turn up the noise and look for distractions. Don’t do it. One of my best resources during my dark days was Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. Through that book I learned that as uncomfortable as it is, if you create the quiet you need and dive into whatever the major changes in your life are, something remarkable can happen. You can come out on the other side, into the light, feeling lighter, happier (it’s a process – I highly recommend the book to work through it!). Creating some quiet is also key to staying on top of the day to day stuff. The more noise you create, the easier it is to let the little things slip and spin out of control, creating problems you don’t need.
4. Use lists.
I know, not everyone is a list-maker. But if you’re feeling distracted and unfocused, I recommend you get a little notebook or use your computer to create some lists even if it’s just temporary. Note – it will be tempting, but do NOT lump in the big-life stuff with the little daily stuff – that’s just asking for trouble! For myself, I used a small journal-type book next to my bed for the big-life stuff (when should I sell my house, where should I live, etc) – and went in there every night to write questions, answers and wax philosophical. For the daily, tactical stuff, I used a plain Mac TextEdit page and every week wrote, in list form, each day of the week and what I had to do each day. I added items to it each day – and most importantly – I updated it all day long everyday with accomplishments and other things I did. During this time, NOTHING WAS TOO SMALL for this list.
• Ate a healthy breakfast – check
• Took the stairs today instead of the elevator – check
• Worked a full day – check
• Called and took care of an outstanding billing issue – check
• Paid the rent – check
• Took my vitamins – check
• Talked to mom, twice – check, check
Not only did this system helped me get the day-to-day stuff done, but having the record there to look back on was a life saver. During major life-changes, our memories can completely check-out, causing us to lose track of our days, forget to pay bills & even look at the calendar, miss appointments and more. For me, being able to look back at my day or week’s events, no matter how mundane, gave me a sense of accomplishment and a desire to do more.
5. Put some sunshine in your list – literally and figuratively.
I found that on some days, I lived by my list, and could easily forget that the world existed. So, I started adding things to my list such as "walk to the library" and "have lunch outside". I also added activities I enjoyed to the list. Since I get jazzed about editing photos and posting them, I added things like "redesign photo-blog", "edit old kauai pictures", "write blog post" to my list – just one a day or a few per week. For someone else this might be planting flowers, painting, turning on fun music and dancing, going to a concert, hitting baseballs or even cleaning out closets. Whatever floats your boat – force it into your list.
6. Know what you need and take care of yourself.
Changes, good or bad, can affect us in ways we never expected (and the people around us, which is an entirely different post). And as I’ve said, this is when it’s most important that we take care of ourselves from nutrition to exercise and mental health. Having outlets to talk about the changes in your life are hugely important to keeping yourself together day-to-day. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, family member, support group, spiritual advisor or some combination – use your support networks as much as you need. When I did this, some interesting things happened. First, I felt like I was able to talk things through, learn, grow and "get it all out". All of this made me more able to "find my north" again and get focused. Second, setting up regular time to talk gave me something to look forward to, and knowing I had these outlets allowed me to put my thoughts aside when I needed to get things done. Third, over time, those discussions really opened my eyes and allowed me to appreciate life again! The more I talked about what I was losing, the more I could also begin to see what I still had and what I was gaining. Taking care of myself in that way was nurturing and also made me want to give something back.
These are just a few of the things I learned during my own life transition – I’m sure there are many more we could all share. One final note I’d like to mention is not to underestimate the power of gratitude, no matter what has happened in our lives. Along with my other lists noted above, I kept a gratitude journal. Every night I tried to jot down at least a couple of things I was grateful for, and it always surprised me that I had more than I thought. On any given day I can scan through previous days, and take stock of all the special people and events I’m fortunate enough to encounter in my life. And now that I feel I’ve come out (mostly) the other side, my journal is with me, reminding me to feel grateful for the entire journey. It also inspired me to build a free, online gratitude journal, called Thankfulfor, that anyone can use. If you need a lift, take a look at the public "stream of thanks" and then try to write a few things yourself.
Good luck on your journey.
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