Question:
I have been in an emotional roller coaster since last year. I found out my husband’s unfaithfulness and lies. I decided not to leave the relationship just because of this but I have tried to forgive everything he did to me. Everyday I ask Jesus to help me live my life and forget all the pain he caused me. I really want to stay in this marriage and trust him but I am torn apart. I have no peace of mind, no happiness whatsoever. I asked myself if I leave him will he find happiness and will I too? I see that he is meeting me halfway during this effort of reconciliation. How do I give fully trust this man? Whenever I leave for work, my toxic thoughts of him possibly sneaking around again poisons my mind. I want to stop and love myself. Help me Dr. Chopra. God bless.
Answer:
I suggest you make your focus healing your emotional pain as it comes up in the moment. You may find it helpful to see a therapist or counselor to help you process these raw feelings. If you stick with healing your actual emotions and avoid getting bogged down in the stories about trust, betrayal and forgiveness. Because as long as your hurt remains unhealed, your toxic mind will feel justified in holding on to the distrust. Paradoxically, the surest route to forgiveness and trust is to not dwell on trying to forgive and trust. Heal your heart first, and then the forgiveness happens automatically.
Love,
Deepak
Very nice answer, Deepak. My heart goes out to the wounded lady as she releases this toxicity from her being.
how does one heal one's heart?
Josee.
heart is little and pure like a kid.when it is hurt, close your eyes and give a hug to your heart. just like a kid would stop crying after some time and we may offer ice cream or sweets to make the kid happier, do the same with your heart. when you hug, your heart would cry out even louder for a while, but would be stable later.
then ask your heart to forget the root cause of being hurt for that moment keeping the outer world aside. this state of heart is some where near to when we are born.then, take some sweet or ice cream or some favourite food.Even glass of cold water would be fine..
be stable for a while.. and then get back to work. this would not heal totally but when you are stable again, some new thoughts would emmerge out. follow those..
its not a perfect answer but temporary way to heal.
Good luck to the questioner lady to come out of this soon as possible. Just believe, God is testing you taking the form of every visible and invisible living and non living objects and all thoughts and senses we have.. if we feel the pain it is the way we are being freed from our past deeds. once we are totally free, god itself would reheal the sourroundings.
love,
vishal.
As Dr. Chopra has mentioned, forgiveness ultimately happens once you heal yourself, it is so true. My heart goes to you for this pain that you are suffering from and still trying to maintain a relationship. You cannot force yourself to love, trust or forgive anyone. Your own emotional well being is very important. Do whatever is required to get at that stage. With time all the relationships change in some or the other ways. It is totally up to a person, what to make out of them eventually and believe me it does not matter a lot once one has centered oneself totally from inside. Seek healing in various forms like meditation, yoga, support group or counselors. Take a break from everything in the name of reconciliation or keeping up with the relationship. Ponder and look for your happiness and contentment. Once this is done, everything will become clearer.
All my support
Garima
My partner was having an emotional affair that I think would have led to an physical affair. I was devastated after he lied to me over and over. I finally ended the relationship because I couldn't fathom ever trusting him again. He begged me to let him back in my life so we began counseling. That was a year ago. We are together still and my trust continues to grow stronger and I feel our bond is stronger. Counseling helped us learn to talk and listen and not take each other for granted. I was where you are, emotionally in chaos from day to day. It was a dark lonely place to be.
i agree with dr.chopra and the others about healing your heart and releasing pain as a start but the real question, i believe, is what can the two of you, as a couple, learn from the infidelity? i am a psychotherapist and in my experience with couples straying, it is usually a symptom of the problems that are already within the unit. if you are flexible enough and open enough to really discuss what happened for your husband (this is by no means a justification just knowledge which is empowering) and how it impacted you, you may have your answer as to what path is the right and perfect path for the two of you. forgiveness can be perceived as losing something or condoning what another has done but it is really a way of releasing yourself from mental prison so you can get on with your life, healing and exploring what is possible.
sending you healing energy
terri
ps to respond to the "leave him" comment-leaving him is certainly one of the options which is always there
leaving him without healing and having honest dialogue will more likely leave her carrying around a bag of unresolved toxic junk
Great response Dr. Chopra. It is a Character Flaw in your partner, it isn't you. You need to give yourself time to heal the heart as Dr. Chopra says……..it really does have to heal, once it does you can then decide what will be best for you….I know I have been there, I chose to leave and I thank God everyday for that! Keep praying, heal your heart, you will survive this and learn maybe together, maybe anew. Good luck to you, I recommend Dr. Chopra's Soul Healing Meditation, has helped me immensely!
Josee, Sometimes it is hard to understand why bad things happen to good people and it can be easy to fall in to a "Why Me" attitude but try to have faith that ALL things happen for a reason and although you may not understand that reason right now it will be revealed to you in the future. I try to look at hardships as challenges or opportunities to grow. I know that I have gained something of value from every hardship I have had to endure. Sometimes the lesson learned, if nothing else, will help you relate to someone else who has gone through the same experience. Our experiences shape who we are and how we relate to others. Turn this experience into a positive lesson and take the time to heal your soul.
Somes meeting the pain and allowing it to be, to consume our entire being until it dissolves is all that we can do. When our heart breaks with pain and into pieces..it is here in the devestation that we find the answers to our prayers. Once we surrender to all that we feel and all the pain, something quite magicall occurs, we are able to let go. In this letting go, we are also allowing life in to our hearts and into our lives. I honour you and your post and as i stans for your healing heart to soar without limitaions XC
Sending love to the syster who shared. My personal feeling is that 'trust' is very conceptual. When we say 'I trust you' what we are really saying is I trust that you wont show up in ways that take me out of my comfort zone!
Trust really is about letting go and letting god. And sometimes the learning experiences that come in that commitment, dont always feel comfy.
I dont speak without compassion or empathy here, I have been in that space too. And I know that there is a feeling of trust having been violated. But in truth, its all part of a sacred conract we made with that person to bring us the gifts of realisation, that ultimate trust is in the divine unfolding. There is no real unconditional trust with another human being unelss they are totally evolved -which most of us are not.
I feel those who betray our 'trust' mirror to us that we have within us the expression of not being able to be fully trusted.
Ultimately trust is much higher than our mind thinks (imo) – Marriage is a sacred contract, a spiritual journey, There are times when the karmic connection comes to completion and we move on – but for many the mind justifies leaving the very evolutionary experience we elected to experience.
I found listening to those who constantly reminded me of the bigger evolutionary picture was more healing and nourishing, than any counselling session. If you do seek counsellling, seek with someone who is plugged into these matters beyond the humanistic expression.
For sure, initiallly we get totally drowned in the humanistic crudd of it all. But there is light and healing and potential for renewed expression, it might not be the same as our mind expected?
Once there is true spacious healing and renewed intimacy of communion with Self, then and onlyl then, can one be free to make a choice as to whether to stay or not – or whether the karmic connection is complete. x Ruth
Leave him…in order to focus on yourself.
Leave him..in order to stop and love yourself
Trust your pain first, qualifying lies and betrayal as "just this", in my opinion, indicates that the surface has not even been scratched . We hope to see the light, without facing the dark.
I starts with you, love.
Deepak, this is a far too common question and you have given a great answer.
If betrayal robs the heart of compassion and forgiveness is not possible without the presence of compassion, then which must take the first step? I think the answer lies with Deepak's statement, ". . to not dwell on trying to forgive and trust". I think that the healing of the heart comes from the act of forgiveness. Just let it go and find forgiveness. When someone you care about hurts you, without the act of forgiveness, you can be endlessly burdened with resentment, anger and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened to you. Forgiveness does not deny the offender's responsibility and does not minimize or justify the act(s) that hurt you. Practice forgiveness for the sake of your happiness and well-being. Without forgiveness you will not clear your consciousness from the hurtful emotions associated with the acts that you should forgive. Whether you choose to try to reconcile the relationship, or not, is separate from the need for forgiveness. You don't even need to tell your husband that you forgive him. This is all about you. You need to get past the bond between your present self and the negative effects from these past events. I hope that you get past this and are able to feel compassion and trust once again.
I don't know a lot about relationships or healing of emotions and hearts. But I know some about emotional roller coasters. And what I want for myself is to remember that it takes less than 5 seconds for the mind to figure out something constructive to engage in. And the mind can manage this even in a state of chaos, rage or the experience of complete hopelessness. Creativity never has to be organized to serve a purpose. We can create a little here and a little there and eventually there is a whole new world without us even noticing it happening.
I would like to provide a counterpoint to what I perceive as a silent agreement of preference in all spritual contexts that I've so far been involved in. I'm open to the possibility that this is my projection of injustice on the spiritual community.
I DON'T resound with the "staying-and-facing-yourself" as a dogmatic preference. As a dogmatic preference I resound with that as an option.
This might come across as brutal and unnecessary, but I'm very grateful that my grandad did not stay in the prison camp to reflect on what in his ego was provoked by the Nazis.
If life really wants to beat me up, I fully trust life to beat me up whereever I go. To me, that's a blessing.
If you want to retreat to Northern Sweden you have my apartment from the 18th of December to the 12th of January when I'm heading south. This is one of the most silent places in our illusion of a civilized society. You'll have: dazzling nordic lights, stars, moons and night all day long. You'll have two pianos, one saxophone and a guitarr. You'll have canvas and acrylic and oil colours. Let me know at haklin-5@student.ltu.se
Next time I'm involved with someone, the agreement is: BOTH of us are willing to walk ALL the way and further if ONE of us is unhappy or feels unhealthy.
Each life coming to its own conclusion, all conclusions equally valuable. In full respect for the individual expression of what is at depth at hearts.
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