Self-Love: The Key to Being an Extraordinary Parent

 As we come to the end of another school year, I am awed, fascinated and inspired watching my son grow from a boy to a man. Being Beau’s mom has been the greatest gift of my life — a job bigger than anything else I do – for he holds the potential of the future that is yet to come. As I travel around talking about letting go of the past, healing our hearts and making peace with our shadows, I’m inevitably asked at every single workshop, "How do I keep from passing on to my children the limiting beliefs and behaviors I learned from my parents?" 

How we parent is a subject worth exploring because even the most conscious parents will admit to blindly reacting rather than deliberately responding to some of the challenges that parenthood brings. Under stress, our default strategies seem to spring into action and we can find ourselves doing or saying to our children the very things we vowed we would never do or say. 

In our parenting, as in every other area of our lives, we take direction from one of two internal maps. We are being guided either by our Vision Map which reflects our highest intention of how we want to show up for our children or we are being guided by our Default Map which keeps us tied to our past, our lowest impulses, and our habitual thoughts and behaviors. As parents, each day and every new situation brings an opportunity to select between these two distinct paths. At each moment we are making a choice to take the low road or the high road; to take responsibility for creating the kind of family culture we desire or to feel victimized and powerless over our situation. 

So what determines whether we will choose to be guided by our highest vision or whether we will we let fears or old habits direct our course? What determines whether we have the presence of mind to bring out the best in ourselves or whether we will fall prey to our lowest impulses? 

I’m going to assert that self-love is the invisible, powerful key that unlocks within us the wisdom to take the high road and deliberately show up as the parent we want to be rather than the parent we vowed we’d never be. Self-love, as in holding ourselves in high regard, appreciating all that we do well, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, making peace with our shadows, and being humble enough to accept our imperfections. Self-love, as in listening to our inner voice and taking action when things don’t feel right. Self-love, as in acknowledging that we deserve to take care of ourselves, making the way we feel about ourselves inside important, and taking time to tend to that connection every day. 

When we are not treating ourselves lovingly, if we are exhausted, over-extended, under-appreciated or not receiving the necessary support, we can be certain that we are operating on automatic pilot, unwittingly passing on to our children the same flawed thinking that was passed on to us as children. And when we learn the art of generating self-love, it literally acts like a balm to our soul. It fills us up from the inside. It gives us patience when we’re frazzled. It allows us to remember what really matters even in the heat of a difficult moment. It lets us see the humor and the irony of situations that we are taking too seriously. Self-love is the essential ingredient that lets us choose the high road, to make choices that are consistent with who we want to be as parents. 

No amount of words can replace the energy – the palpable feeling – that we exude when we are embracing our shadows and genuinely loving and treating ourselves with great care. Truly in the presence of self-love, this energy infuses our mood, our words, our actions, our relationships, and our home. And our children then become the beneficiaries of our loving hearts. 

Your Transformational Action Step 

Do you have a vision for the kind of parent you want to be at the stage that your children are right now, no matter what age? Spend time this week journaling about your ideal relationship with your children:

(1) List three qualities that you most need to develop within yourself to feel like a truly extraordinary parent. 

(2) List three feelings that you most want to bring forth in your relationship with your children.

(3) Identify three choices you can make this week to develop these qualities and cultivate these feelings.