In my last three posts I discussed the importance of establishing a sense of self-worth. In my next three posts, I’ll look at how this sense of self-worth plays into your sexuality and relationships, and how your sexuality and relationships affect your sense of self worth.
Regardless of what your mother taught you, when you came of age and sex hormones flooded your brain, you started to yearn for that forbidden, seductive, carnal knowledge. As a species, our sex drive is a survival instinct. But as a female, your sex drive is obviously more than an instinctual need; it’s wrapped up in feelings of comfort, love, companionship, excitement, naughtiness and hope.
Profound, trusting relationships with other people form the foundation of your personal community and essentially your universe. Such positive mutually beneficial relationships can intensify your sense of self-worth. Your one-on-one relationships are the cornerstones of your existence; you may even set your personal compass by them.
Still, your one-on-one sexual relationship will take trust and intimacy issues to a different and perhaps even more vulnerable level. As with nearly everything else in life, you must have a personal stake in the enjoyment of your sexual relationship, and be pro-active about your participation in order to wield any personal power or control over it. Be willing to learn new sexual techniques, suspend your embarrassment or fear of vulnerability, and allow yourself to trust. Trust, as you’ve surely discovered by now, is an important component in satisfying sex.
Romantic intimacy and the idyll of two people bonded in love, that most sacrosanct of emotional states, is something most of us desire and in fact, need. Love is a crucial part of our lives, connected as it is to our sense of well-being and worth. The blend of love and sex requires commitment, a special type of chemistry between the two of you, and an ability to build intimacy.
You can’t force or hurry love, which tends to follow its own peculiar timeline. But the right chemistry between two people that combines love with sexual intimacy is an intoxicating brew. When you have a trusting relationship, you feel safe, calm and remarkably free. You can experience a liberating sense of freedom when you can be honest about your feelings, for it is there, within your intimate relationships that you can share your deepest, most profound thoughts without fear of reprisals.
Though it’s possible to fall in love at first sight, true intimacy is built in stages. To sustain intimate relationships you need to be able to trust each other. Trust is the operative word. Unless you trust that you’re safe and secure, your intimate interactions will disappoint; you’ll fear your admissions will be ridiculed, misunderstood, or judged.
Ironically the trust you need for building intimacy can best be forged when you feel good about being you. Your experiential wisdom — the result of learning from your experiences and adapting those lessons to your life, is an essential element in the creation of a more content, confident and accessible you. Your strong, positive sense of self will then be secure enough to allow another person in to your private places. This combination of characteristics in a one-on-one relationship is sublime, empowering, soul-enhancing, and contributes to your sense of well-being and worth.
My next post will help you gauge your comfort level and happiness with sex and your current romantic relationship.
Ready to asses your self-worth? Post your intent and blog about your journey, tagging your posts "self worth" We may feature your post in this series!
Just joining the series? Start from the beginning of Cheryl Saban’s 2 week guide for women to define their own self-worth, take responsibility for it and then to pass it on to others.
this is SO amazingly true. I met my now boyfriend 20 years ago. IT was definetly LUST at first sight.. the most handsome man i had every laid eyes on. Due to him being married, me moving away, life,, it took us actually 14 years to reconnect… things had shifted…age had softened looks yet deepened his soul… the attraction to him is as strong as ever..but NOT due to looks anymore.. totally due to the person he has become and the trust and intimacy we have built.. I have never experienced this before and I feel so lucky to have someone whom I know in my heart is 100% there for me in every way, shape or form! HE has helped me on my path to feel good about me… I am truly lucky and grateful for this man/bestfriend/soulmate I have.
Love hearing (actually, reading) this, Tiffany. I'm sure others feel the same.
i havent had a boyfriend yet, but this will be very helpful when i finally meet that special someone
It is important to know who you are before you get into a relationship!!
I've been married for 15 years, and I agree that trust is the most essential component of a serious relationship. It's amazing how trust can build and be tested over the years. Just when you think you know it all, something can set you back, or move you forward in an incredible way. Great series of articles!
Only an Illusion could turn the Life Force into some sort of naughtiness. That
Richard, I think this is so true. We often have a hard time realizing this, though, don't we?!!
So glad you're enjoying them. Trust is truly an important component — we need to be able to trust others, and we also need to earn it for ourselves. It's a cycle…just like life. And isn't that the truth, that as soon a you think you've got it all figured out, LIFE pitches you something completely new? But actually, that is a good thing. We're meant to continue to grow, and learn from all these experiences. I love this quote by Steve Martin — "Life is like playing the Banjo…just stick with it."
Hi Cheryl,
I'd been married for 15 years, i also had experienced that my husband was playing fire with other woman, not just once but twice…
My question is, why he can't tell all his sin, all his wrongdoings, actually i had trusted him always, and still loved him…but infairness with me, i want him to explain how it happen, and why?…i feel sorry for myself the time i knew him that he has another woman in his life, playong sex with that two woman really felt sorry for me…i want him to explain all of this…tell me how can i convince him to say it…
I already forgive him and done forgetting all what happens, but i want also to hear his side, his explanation how it was happened…can you advice me how can i convince him to do it?
Perl, thanks for your comment. My best advice to you is to seek marital counseling together. Perhaps when there is a third person – someone who is trained to help couples discuss difficult situations, you and your husband will be able to communicate honestly about the issues you are talking about. Forgiveness is important and can certainly make YOU feel better. However, my feeling is that in a relationship – there should be respect, honesty, and an equal, or at least harmonious distribution of "power." There is give and take, and there are times when we make allowances, and compromises. But these allowances, adaptations and compromises shouldn't be one-sided. A psychologist I know once said, "The first time something disagreeable happens in your life, you're a victim. But if you let it happen again, you're a volunteer." Interesting, isn't it? Set up some open lines of communication – it'll be better for both of you! (Just my two cents' worth, by the way).
Namaste.
I would disagree that it's "important to know who you are before you get into a relationship." Perhaps it's important to know who you are before you get married, but I found out who I am as a result of being in several loving relationships. As a partner in a committed relationship with someone you care about, you define who you will be in relation to another human being. And somewhere along the way you may find that the person they want you to be doesn't mesh with the person you find yourself becoming when you're with them. As such, you may find that the person you ARE is not who you can be if you stay with this person.
Which means, in my opinion, that it's only important that you be able to notice who you are acting like, and whether that person jibes with who you want to be. I think to boil such complex things down to sound-bites is rather simple, and unhelpful. It is less important, I think, to know who you are than it is to have some clue as to who you'd like to be, and relationship can play an amazing part in figuring that out.
I'm constantly refining who I want to be, and my relationships are a great mirror in which to help me figure that stuff out.
Love that quote…so true. Question is can we honestly say that one "lets things happen again?"
Cheryl, you're so right that self-worth is a cornerstone of great intimate connection with one's partner. My husband and I teach a program called "Tantra Tai Chi" – exercises that build intimacy on all levels – sexual, emotional and spiritual. The very FIRST practice is called "Solo Stillness" in which we each INDIVIDUALLY take time to settle into ourselves and honor our own sacred being. Only after doing that do we align ourselves with our partner.
We return to Solo Stillness in between other moves, and each time we do so we experience ourselves a bit differently. Even as the program enhances the connection between partners, it continues to deepen one's own connection with oneself.
Diana Daffner
Author, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples http://www.TantricSexforBusyCouples.com
Vacation/Workshops for Couples: http://www.IntimacyRetreats.com