Lonely, wounded soul with self-esteem issues and a tendency to prematurely jump head first into relationships seeks emotionally unavailable, commitment phobe for mutually disastrous partnership that will inevitably crash and burn, resulting in tears, frustration, and Internet stalking . . .
If only the maligned fates of relationships were this obvious up front. Unfortunately, they’re not, which accounts for both the mayhem and magic we experience. The unpredictability, the surprise, the chase- call it what you will- it propels us all to do some pretty exciting and embarrassing stuff (exciting like start a family with your partner, embarrassing like drunk dialing).
So when an astute reader sent along the following inquiry about whether it was possible and/or advisable to set an intention to fall in love and, even, become engaged within a year, I panicked a little. I got cold feet. I stared at the email for weeks . . . OK, months, actually. The question was out of my league, to be frank. Here’s what it said:
Do you think it’s possible to set a goal to "fall" in love, or to be in a happy, committed relationship within the year?
I was once in a public speaking class, and one of the members, an accomplished and driven businessman, gave a speech about goal setting. He referred to statistics I had heard before, and which I’ve seen on the Lululemon website. Essentially: people who set goals (in this case it was 3% of a graduating class), live happier, wealthier lives than those who do not. When the 3% looked back on their lives, they felt they had achieved and often times surpassed their dreams. The remaining 97%, who neglected to regularly set and work toward goals, said they felt disappointed in how their lives unfolded.
- Set goals in the present tense, and be specific. Instead of saying, "I will run the Boston Marathon someday," try saying, "I run the Boston Marathon in 2009."
- Write them down, and take the exercise one step further. How will this intention come to pass? Sometimes, I find it helpful to identify three steps that will get me closer to my desired result. While it raised an eyebrow for you to hear that you could set a goal to find a mate, you probably could easily come up with three ways that might help you meet the right type of person for you.
- Visualize yourself achieving your goal, especially right before dozing off to sleep at night. What do you look like in this new role/experiencing your goal? How do you act? What are you wearing? Be very specific.
- Identify the obstacles too. While it’s important to be strategic about how you can achieve your goals, it’s also necessary to pinpoint which barriers (real or imagined) are holding you back.
It’s worth noting that we can only set goals for ourselves, not for others, and given that it takes two people to "live happily ever after," I’m wary of putting the same time restrictions on marriage as, say, completing your taxes. In general, the answer to your question, Jenn, is: by all means, set an intention to fall in love this year, but more importantly, arrange your life and ready your own heart so that this goal is probable. You will achieve it, if it’s meant to be. Then, be sure to let me know where you’re registered . . .
That's an intriguing question. If slightly restated, it is: can you experience a feeling (of love) on demand/by choice. If stated as such – then, sure (according to the theory of Central Origin of emotion, aka emotional self-regulation). To experience an infatuation – in its classic sense – is to essentially have a feeling triggered by environment (the theory of Peripheral Origin of Emotion). For the latter to occur, you'd have to be able to control the environment – a capacity we do not have (with the exception of minor manipulation of probabilities, e.g. going to a singles' party, etc.). Nice ice-breaker, Rebecca.
Pavel Somov, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, author of "Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time" (New Harbinger, 2008) http://www.eatingthemoment.com
Pavel's comments are above my head so I will skip them and go the post itself!
Rebecca…I can see your difficulty in answering such a question…I often ask myself the same thing that you had to answer here…can you set such an intention…really good response on your part!
Thanks for sharing…