The 2005 supplement to the US Census reported that for the first time in modern history, households headed by singles now outnumber married couples. What’s more, almost a third of American children are being raised in unmarried homes. In practical terms, single parenthood is no longer sheathed in secrecy. That means that single parents—either by choice, divorce or widowhood—can actively seek out the help and support that they need to successfully parent their children.
But that’s old news.
So what is the new news? A trend I call, “Married Single Parents” or MSP’s. This is when one parent works obscene hours—either by choice, habit or because American workplace demands are spiraling out of control—and the other parent raises the child/ren single-handedly. The working spouse might catch a few minutes with the child here and there, but it doesn’t add up to much real shared parenting.
What worries me about this trend is that unlike single parents—who, in the best case scenarios, rely on a network of extended family and friends to help them raise their children—Married Single Parents don’t feel the same license to ask for help. After all, they’re married. They might have a breadwinner in the household. Someone else to worry about mortgage payments and health insurance. They usually live in a house, and have a car. They have all the trappings of the perfect American family. Even so, they’re worth worrying about.
Why? Because it’s harder to express your frustration when you seem to have it all. Compared to a single parent, Married Single Parents feel that they can’t complain. They’re also burdened by expectation. They’re supposed to be able to handle child-rearing amongst them, so they’re less likely to ask for support.
There might also be other issues. Resentment towards the workaholic spouse. Feeling isolated. Under-appreciated. I’ve also heard many Married Single Parents express untold technology rage—moments when they’ve wanted to detonate their spouse’s laptop or Blackberry, or even better, the whole home office.
Mostly I worry about Married Single Parents because it’s scary to finally have everything you thought you wanted and still feel lonely and overwhelmed.
What to do? I think we need to start a dialogue about finding inventive ways to raise our children in community. Because it’s neither healthy nor fair for one person to raise a child—under any circumstances.
What are your thoughts? Are you parenting alone? By choice or by circumstance?
Taz Tagore http://laboroflove.typepad.com/
I agree with you whole-heartedly. I love your new term – MSPs. Unfortunately there are far too many, especially in the world of disabilities, where decisions about appropriate interventions are splitting up husbands and wives. Due to the amount of money they are pouring into their kids' therapies, the cannot afford to get divorced, and are thus adding to the numbers of MSPs. Thanks so much for the concept. Patricia S. Lemer
You've named my problem, and you've proposed what I think is the right solution: "finding inventive ways to raise our children in community."
My husband is a wonderful dad and very involved with our kids, but his career demands have him working four weeknights and all day Saturday. Lately his business is doing great, which needed to happen financially, but it means that I'm shouldering even more on my own. It's really tough because I'm working full time too–I have to because my job provides the health insurance.
It seems to me that married couples connect with married couples, and single people connect with single people, but we married-single moms are in a no woman's land. I think you're right about community, but it's hard to build community when all the parents are hunkered down in the evening with dinner preparations, homework, and getting ready for the next day.
I'd love to hear some of your inventive ideas!
Meg
Interesting post. Sometimes I think that the whole problem is in the institution of marriage itself, we seem to have given it undue importance over things like relationships and parenting. I guess time has come for more poeple to give conscious thought to planned pregnancies, child rearing and parenting. Rather than doing it just because its the norm or the way we have always been doing. And I wonder why these 'subjects' are not introduced in schools, at least as optional choices, so by the time when one is faced with the decision they are better informed thus prepared. Thanks for the post Taz, with all your posts you seem to look at things always form a slightly different perspective than the ordinary ! Good luck with your task of parenting…